On This Day...

So, Facebook has started this option called, "On This Day." It allows you to look back at various years in the past. Most of the time, I absolutely love it! I get to look back at little baby Sam and even baby Caleb now that he's not so little anymore. However, I've been thinking about how in the months to come, I might not enjoy it as much, as it will remind me of the events in 2009. Sure enough, today was one of those days…

Kindergarten...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but that sure came out of left field! Today, I was reminded once again of where we should be…celebrating the first day of kindergarten with our baby girl. Upon getting on social media, I was quickly reminded by all the pictures posted by friends who were pregnant with me back in '09 -- all commenting on the bittersweet nature of such a big day. Sigh. I'm happy for all these kids that are SUPER excited about such a big step, but boy does it hurt my heart to think of how that's just one more thing that should be happening at this house, but isn't.

Return To Zero...

For those of you that know our story, you know that before having Samuel, we experienced the loss of our first 3 sweet babies - Jacob, Jordan and Olivia. There is no greater loss than that of a child. In hopes of bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, those of us in this unfortunate baby loss community are making a pledge to see an upcoming movie about such a heart-wrenching topic. 

Oh, So You Have 3 Babies At Home?

I hate that response. Hate it. I can't blame anyone in the medical field that gives it, but I still hate it. I mean, it should only be fair to assume that when given the amount of times I've been in the hospital -- and each time resulting in the delivery of a baby -- that yes, I would have 3 babies at home. However, in this family, that means nothing...

While at a doctor's appointment yesterday, I had to give the typical history to the nurse upon being seen. It's normal -- happens every time. Of course, depending on the questions they ask (and how detailed they want to get), it can get quite interesting. The first thing he asked was how many times I've spent any amount of time in a hospital. I said 3 -- all pregnancy-related. He quickly smiled and said, "Oh! So you have three babies at home!" I had to cut him off and say, "Not exactly." It's always fun going down this road, as I try to sum up our not-so-short history and they write it all down. As I briefly told him how we had 2 stillbirths/1 living, he paused, gave me a blank stare, and continued on. Heck, I didn't even bother going into detail on our miscarriage since that didn't require a hospital stay. It's always such a hassle having to explain it all...

So I got to the point of finally seeing my doc -- in hopes of finding out why I was horribly sick for 4 days and possibly get antibiotics -- and one of the first things she said was, "So I see you have 3 babies at home! How fun!!!" With a big huge smile. What? So the nurse decided to ask for the dates of each delivery (among other details), yet failed to write down anything beyond that? So I get to repeat myself all over again to the doc?! Thanks, bud. I'm sure if I saw my doc more than once a year, maybe this wouldn't sound odd and maybe she'd know me a little better. However, I've only seen this doc once before since moving here - we're still basically in that new-patient stage. So good times were had by all, as I got to retell our story briefly. Mind you, I wasn't expecting any of this to even come up in conversation -- after all, I was there for a totally unrelated reason...

I don't know why this bothered me more this time around than in the past, but it did. I suppose it has something to do with being in a general funk of missing our angels lately. Anything can trigger it, but the past week has been filled with new births, new pregnancy announcements and worst of all...new announcements of sweet little angels that were taken too soon. That's the worst. When you get a text or email, finding out yet another mom has joined the unfortunate ranks. You mix all of that with being stuck in bed for what felt like an entire week feeling horribly sick with nothing to do but look on Pinterest...yeah, you get constant moments of grieving over your babies that were gone too soon. I'm so thankful we have our sweet little Sam. I just wish so badly we also had Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia too.

If only we really did have "3 babies at home" or really...all 4 babies at home...

A Day Full Of Emotion...

Today was a great day. It was also a very sad day. While my sweet sister was welcoming her new daughter, Mackenzie Grace, into the world, a dear friend was grieving the loss of her sweet angel on what would have been her due date. Add in there the standard emotions that come with having our three in Heaven...

Oh, and the biased love for the name Mackenzie since that would have been Jacob's name had he been a girl... (ps. I'm glad you picked it, Deb!)

Yeah, it was a day full of emotion...

I'm just so incredibly thankful that while I have emotional days like today -- celebrating and grieving all at once -- I can do so with this handsome little man in my arms...

Hello?

Is anyone still following this blog? I feel like it's been years since I've been on here! Life only seems to be getting busier, not slowing down. In return, my days of blogging have come to a screeching halt. There are many times that I think of something to blog, but I'm already in bed and too tired to get back up. Ahhh, such is life.

It seems like I could tell you a new story about Samuel daily, let alone bombard you with crazy amounts of pictures of the little man every time I turn around. He's growing up way too fast, and according to his 15 month well visit, he's in the 80% in height, but only the 45% in weight. My skinny little guy! I love him so much, and really...I could just stare at him while he sleeps every night...in awe that he's here. I really don't think that feeling is ever going to leave -- the realization that we have a healthy, happy child here in the home! Really?!?! Such nonsense may sound crazy to you, but that shocking feeling seems to hit me almost daily. Thankful can't even begin to describe it.

A dear friend recently endured her second loss (in 8 months) and it has brought on many feelings about our three that have kind of hidden in the background for awhile now. While I hurt for her and her angels, I can't help but then think about Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia along with her two. I hate that baby loss is so common -- more common than people think. I hate that I've seen so much of it (personally) that it almost feels normal. I hate that as I watch friends and family near the end of their pregnancy, I can't help but think, "You're not there yet, things can still happen." It's terrible, yet I can't shake it. Will I ever? Most likely not.

This blog is kind of all over the place. I'm really enjoying life in El Paso, which is something I never thought I would say. That is...before we moved here. So many people told me horribly negative comments about this town, and yet we've totally enjoyed ourselves! We still miss things that other large cities have to offer that they're lacking here, but it's been a great experience thus far.

Samuel and I seem to stay pretty busy during the week, and while he gets to be around other kids quite often, he has severe separation anxiety. The child care workers at our church (that are also there for my Bible study) know him well, yet they had to page us before the sermon even started this morning because of how much he was crying. The poor guy! He sure loves his momma! He won't even let go of me during the first half of story time at the library, for fear that I'm going to leave him there -- at least that's my assumption by the way he handles it.

To continue on this random post, I think I mentioned how Samuel said goodbye to his crib and is now on a twin mattress. The kid is trying to grow up faster than I can handle! He's doing so much better with the whole sleeping thing now that he has his big boy bed. He still would rather dance the night away than go to bed when other children his age go to bed, but oh well. He's a night owl like his momma -- what can I say? So there are nights where putting him to bed can take several hours, then other nights where he passes out before 8pm. It's always an adventure with the Sam-man. His new bunkbed should arrive in about a week -- here's hoping the transition goes well!!!

So now that I've pretty much covered a variety of topics, I can't go before posting a few pictures...

We had a fabulous time in San Antonio over Jake's weekend (His Angelversary is Sept. 4th, so we've always considered Labor Day weekend a time to remember him). How has it been NINE years since we said goodbye to our first born son?!?! I'm thankful that this is the second Angelversary for Jacob that we were able to honor and remember him with his little brother, Samuel, by our side...

Because the new format for Blogger is not as friendly with the way I add pictures, I'm just going to save time and add a slideshow...

Sooooo...here's a slideshow of pictures from our trip...

And before I go, here's a set of pictures that I took earlier tonight of the big 15 month old...my 2T wearing, 13 teeth biting, crazy, nonstop little boy...

An Interesting Film...

So while laying there unable to sleep last night, I browsed the internet from my phone and ran across a new film coming out -- one that I had never heard of. It's apparently becoming a hot topic in the TTC/Baby Loss community. In the film, the family is told they're unable to have children so they decide to "give up" their dream, but beforehand they write down everything they can think of as what *their* kid would've been like -- the perfect child. Miraculously, that child comes to life that night and the story goes from there.

Just seeing the intro to the preview made me think of the many times James and I would think and talk about what our child would be like...what Jake, Jordan, or Olivia would've been like...what that child that we hoped for, longed for, and dreamed of would have been like. Of course, Sam is everything we ever dreamed of and more, but before Sam...that intro felt too close to home in many ways...

Well, while we both would like to go see this film, I know many will be avoiding it. What do you think about it? Too creepy? Too close to home in a good way...in a bad way?

Here's one of the previews I found online...

Thankful And Slightly Relieved...

Something happened tonight that made me appreciate even more the quality friendships that I have gained through the years. There are times when you have friendships that are either draining/toxic or just not real/true. But then you have those genuine, quality, AMAZING friendships that make life such an absolute joy. I am so thankful for those. Those are the ones that survive trials and still come out ahead. The rest just aren't worth it.

I can honestly say I'm going to go to bed with quite a bit of peace tonight after one of those toxic relationships came to an end. It's somewhat sad, but we'll all be better off in the end...

So I suppose the question is why am I even bringing this up? I just want to remind you to cherish the good things in life and focus on that which gives you joy. Leave behind the things that bring you down, hurt you, anger you, etc. It's not worth it. Life will be so much better off without it.

This week, I was able to do something that brought incredible joy to my heart -- sewing inserts together for Molly Bears. This organization holds a very special place in my heart and when they asked if anyone would like to volunteer to help with this, I jumped on it. Then when I realized what I was getting myself into (30 bears a month -- 210 inserts), I asked if anyone would like to join me in this endeavor. Several had interest, but the night chosen just didn't end up working out. (Totally fine!) In the end, it was my friend, Karen, her friend, Lauren, and I that worked on cutting out fabric in the shape of the inserts that weigh down the amazing bears. Karen is a fellow baby loss mama and while Lauren is not, she jumped at the chance to help. Don't you just love friends that have such sincere compassion that while they haven't experienced what you have, they are right there ready to listen, hold your hand and be ready to help out when/where they can? Love it. We ended up having a wonderful time working on this project together -- lots of laughs, lots of genuine conversation, and lots of heart put into making these inserts. I'm thankful for friends like that...

Two girls hard at work...

Yours truly...

When we finally called it a night -- 94 inserts cut, 10 inserts sewn and ready for shipment.

I'm definitely looking forward to the next night that we work on this. Not only is it time spent with good friends, but also time spent honoring our sweet angels. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think about them and what better way to honor them than to help other angel moms get a little closer to filling those empty arms?

And before I go, I just have to say that while many things bring me joy, there is nothing in this world that brings me greater joy than the two in this picture...

Late Night Thoughts...

So, here I was -- planning on finally doing Samuel's 7 month old update (2 weeks late) -- when I found myself rambling on about other things instead. So...I will postpone the 7 month old update for another day and post what's on my mind...

I know I sound like a broken record, as this is a common theme to my thought process these days, but after stumbling across a new blog unexpectedly earlier tonight, it's consuming my thoughts...I can't help but continuously think about where we are now after what we've dealt with over the years...How short life is. How time slows down when you feel nothing but pain, yet how fast it goes when you're surrounded by joy. I constantly feel like I'm in the middle of those, but yet, I just can't keep up. I find myself completely full of joy during the day, as I'm loving on Sam and watching him grow and learn. That boy is my dream come true! Yet before bed, when all three boys are sound asleep (Obadiah included), I find myself allowing the pain/anger of what has happened in the past (missing our 3) to take over my thoughts. This leads to getting absolutely no sleep at all. The past few nights have been like that. I'd love to just shut off. Oh, to be like James and just not think about the painful past -- know it's there, but not let it consume me. Yeah, that's just not me. It's ever present, but I'm always trying to push it out of the forefront. It's not until the house is silent and still that it starts to come out and overcome my thoughts. Then before I know it, I'm down to getting 3 hours or so of sleep. Good times. I know how to remedy all this...spend more time in The Word. Well, that and get to the point to where triggers don't get to me so easily. Now to just do it...

Two things come to mind after writing all of that...

There have been a few articles that have surfaced lately by moms telling it like it is. To most moms, they are praised and recommended. Yet I read them and see nothing but selfish, ungrateful moms taking for granted what they have. I know that's a bit harsh, but I just can't help it. Maybe it's that bitter heart that I just can't kick. Either way, when I sit and skim the (1000s of) comments, hidden in between are a few comments by those that feel like me. Do you want to know what they all have in common? Pain and loss. The few that have a different opinion than the masses have all experienced or seen another side of it all, resulting in a much different attitude. That struck me in a way that I can't explain. I felt justified in my reaction to it all, yet it saddened me to read what those few moms had gone through to see it in the same light as me. Loss definitely brings to light a new appreciation for things that most take for granted...

Secondly, something happened at our Bible study last week that I'm still thinking about. I can't quite remember how it related to the topic we were discussing, but one of the ladies in our group ended up giving us her life-story -- such a story of strength. This particular lady is probably in her late 40's or early 50's. She usually attends alone, but every so often brings her preteen-aged neighbor with her. I never knew anything beyond that. However, after she spoke, I just wanted to give her a big hug and then run down to the nursery and give Sam a big hug. Her story struck home, while also giving me an even BIGGER appreciation for where we are now -- holding a healthy child in our arms. Turns out, this particular lady dealt with many years of infertility -- ending in one ectopic pregnancy and never had any living children later on. Her marriage didn't work out after that and her parents have since passed away, so she is "alone." (Her wording, not mine) She is also a social worker -- having such an amazing heart for children in need. With all of that being said, she faced something throughout the years that made me so mad. Why? Because my grandma feels the same way. I'll never understand how someone has the nerve to say such things, but this girl in my Bible study was told by supposed Christian women that her loss/failed marriage was all because of the sin in her life. Ugh! The reason why no one told my grandma about Olivia's passing (and Jacob and Jordan's) was because she would've given me the same answer. We know that because she gave my mom that response when she suffered a miscarriage in the early '80s. How sad is that?! So yeah, this comment struck me. I'm sure I had a look of disgust on my face when the girl in our Bible study said it. How dare someone tell her that! After the initial comments and responses to such an awful accusation were said, the discussion went into how the things that we experience (pain and suffering) make us who we are. Her past allowed for her to have the amazing passion that she has for children in need, etc. All of this made me think of how our losses have changed us. Sure, I have a bitter heart after losing Olivia and I'm not one to deny that, but I also see other things that have come from our past. It just made me think of this quote...

Pain makes you stronger;

Tears makes you braver;

Heartbreak makes you wiser;

So thank the past for a better future.

-John Hellson

I don't know that I necessarily thank the past for a better future, but I do see how we've been molded to who we are because of what we've faced in our lives. No matter what the circumstances are, we are who we are because of what we've been through. Stronger, braver, wiser, etc...

During that same Bible study, I was also reminded (again) of a quote that I have written down in several places...

"Let your past make you better, not bitter."

I suppose if I had a new years resolution, that would be it. I don't ever do those, but I know that's something that I seriously need to work on this year. I know that having Samuel here helps. I just need to find a way to let go of the anger, find peace, and eventually be in a place of acceptance like I was for years after Jacob and Jordan. If nothing else, Sam deserves that.

Well, considering the fact that I had planned on posting an update on the boy, but instead went into a totally different direction, I will at least leave this with a recent set of pictures of him...

Oh, how I love him...

The Other Woman...

Have you seen it? It's a movie with Natalie Portman that was released about a year ago. When it was first released, I had no interest in seeing it. Portman plays a home wrecker and that in itself bothered me, so I left it at that. Well, thanks to it airing on cable last week, I decided to DVR it and give it a shot on a night that I couldn't sleep. I knew it would possibly bother me during certain scenes because of how it starts out (marital affair), but curiosity was there just the same...

Wow. It left me speechless. Many tears later, I have more of an appreciation for it. They did a great job portraying the grief. The comments made by others during such grief. The way in which the family handled the healing process. The fact that it included a remembrance walk where others joined in honoring their angels. Etc. There were many other factors to the film that gave it a bit of a Stepmom (with Julia Roberts) feel, but regardless, it most definitely hit the mark for those of us in this community.

I was reading something about the film earlier and found this particular clip interesting...

"How does one deal with the sudden loss of a new life? Can one even deal with it? Is it possible to ever forget what happened? These are questions that are raised, but never specifically answered, because there really is no answer. Everyone is different. Everyone deals with grief and despair in their own way." credit

Here I was going to finally get on here and catch up on the blog, but instead, I really don't have much to say. After watching that film, I'm left feeling incredibly emotional -- missing our three angels just as much as ever. Yet, as I sit here missing them, I'm just so thankful that I also have a healthy little Samuel sleeping in the other room. Oh, what a life this is...a life of grief mixed with joy. I love where we are right now -- living life with a happy little boy -- but at times it's hard to find that balance of joy and grief. I almost appreciate nights like this where I can cry over our angels -- feeling the raw emotions of such a loss -- while watching that film. It makes me think about where we've been and what we've been through. Yet at the same time, it makes me appreciate even more (not that I don't already!) where we are now.

This topic also brings to mind something that James and I encountered on Friday and then again earlier today while James was at work. Someone that he works with recently found out about our first three children and what happened with each. His reaction and comments really meant a lot to me -- both referring to James and myself. I appreciated what he had to say -- we both did. Among the things that were said, the word "devastating" was used. I'm not sure that I've ever heard anyone describe our history as such, and it sort of took me back for a minute when I heard him say it. It seems like it's (at times) the comment(s) made by that random person that you would never expect to encounter or ever converse with about such things that means the most. This particular person was taken back by it all when he heard and was nearly speechless, as he said that by the way we carry ourselves and how James is at work, this guy would've never guessed. I'm sure we all encounter situations like this at one point or another, but it makes me really appreciate the compassion that others can show. Most of the time, James refuses to open himself up to others about our three, as the general reaction isn't one he likes to deal with. I remember being on the cruise ship 8 months after Olivia passed away and the lady next to us asked if we had kids. I quickly said, "No, but we've lost three." She froze, then looked away and never said another word. I couldn't blame her, but scenarios like that cause James to never want to EVER open up. So for him to experience a response quite different than that, it warmed my heart. Not only did he receive compassion right off the bat, but incredibly sweet words continued to follow...

Now I'm rambling because I'm tired and emotional after watching that movie -- not the best combination. I obviously won't be following this up with a blog post about the month of December and all that went on for us as I'm just emotionally spent, but I will say that Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia were incredibly missed over the holidays. Holding Samuel, experiencing Christmas with him, and continuing to hit new milestones with the little guy is so bittersweet. I feel like I could cry and smile all at the same time when the moment's right -- being so grief stricken, yet so happy.

Jake, Jordan, and Livy...we love and miss you so much! I often wonder how Sam will view you three as he grows older. Will he be like the child in The Other Woman and create a stick figure drawing of our family with three angels floating above us? Will he remain silent about his older siblings? Either way is fine, but it's interesting to think about. Only time will tell. He surely will be no stranger to it all. The poor kid.

All of this talk made me think of our most recent visit to Olivia's grave. Among the many things that we did while in Indianapolis, we brought flowers to Liv on the anniversary of the day that she was buried. Sweet Sam held her flowers while I got a picture...

Love my little family...

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

Has it really been that long since I've been on here?! A lot has happened since the last time I blogged...Samuel turned 4 months old and had his well-baby exam, James turned another year older, Samuel experienced his first pumpkin patch AND taste for solids, the three of us spent another day up in Atlanta, and we went to a Bible study for the first time since moving here (big step!). So much to talk about, but not enough energy to do so. It was definitely a great week overall.

I have one minor vent from the last week that relates to our grief -- resulting from attending that Bible study -- but I'll save that for another time. It'll just make me mad all over again and that's not the best way to start a new day. I will say this...I miss our old Bible Study in WA! While we still had similar struggles and, like this one, it was hard to attend after Olivia died, the study was MUCH more in-depth!

Okay, enough about that. Perhaps one day soon, I'll elaborate on my frustrations. Until then, I will continue on about how wonderful the last week was for our little family. First off, yesterday was the hub's birthday. Seeing as how he doesn't care for celebrating birthdays at ALL, he took the liberty of changing his birthday on Facebook and then proceeded to hide it so no one would wish him a Happy Birthday. He knew no one here locally would know about it and most would forget if they didn't see the little reminder...strange, I tell you. Not that I want ridiculous amounts of attention on mine, but I won't go out of my way to avoid it, ha. Either way, it seems as though he had a good day. I mean, after all...he had little Samuel here to celebrate with him! That's much better than years past! Having a birthday over the weekend gave us the horrible excuse to eat out more than we should and shop. Good times. Happy Birthday, Jamie!!

I suppose I can't forget about the fact that on James' Birthday, Samuel had his 4 month well-baby exam. The poor boy...he was fine until he got those evil vaccines. I still can't get over how BIG Sam is! He is now in the 75th percentile on height and weight! Geez! Here he was in the 50th percentile at 2 months and now even higher than that -- our pediatrician said that, considering he was a preemie, he definitely caught up and THEN some! Here's all 14lb 12oz and 25in of him...

His 4 month chair picture...

A boy and his dog...

What'd you say???

Love the little half-smile...

Watching Obadiah's every move...

On another note, our Atlanta trip was fun. We hit up Flip Burger again. If you're in Atlanta and you haven't been, you're missing out! I think we had our daily calorie intake in one meal, but it was worth it.

Waiting for our food...

Okay, a little bored while impatiently waiting...

But it was worth the wait. After we devoured our gourmet burgers, we had to get dessert. We typically never order dessert when we're out since we never have room left, but we couldn't resist. Who can say no to a 'Burnt Marshmallow and Nutella' or 'Key Lime Pie' milkshake? Heaven, I tell you...absolute Heaven!

After lunch and a little shopping, we checked out Piedmont Park. We've made the attempt on previous occasions, but it always ended up being gloomy or rainy. Luckily, the sun was shining this time, so we got a couple pictures of the family minus Oba. Oh, poor Obadiah...

Towards the end of our walk through the park, we found a swing in front of a peaceful lake. Samuel enjoyed his time on the swing by chewing on his new favorite toy -- James' finger. That's right. When Sam is in James' arms, he always grabs James' finger as a teether...

It was soon after our time in the park that we decided to head home and save Obadiah from the cage. Of course, we jumped right back up the next day and took Samuel to a local pumpkin patch. I have to say, they're much different in the South! Instead of walking through the field and picking your own pumpkin out, they're already stacked up on tables ready for purchase. Where's the fun in that?! Oh well. It's at least fun to walk around and get pictures of the little man surrounded by the seasonal decor. Granted, I didn't realize until we got there that my memory card was in the Mac, not the camera -- total bummer!! Here's Sam via my cell phone...

With a memorable holiday weekend behind us, it's now on to creating more baby food! During Sam's well-baby exam, our ped recommended that we start introducing solids -- both cereal and veggies. So...we went grocery shopping...

Let the fun begin. Samuel's first sampling after rice cereal ended up being sweet potatoes...

I think it's safe to say he liked it!

Sweet Oba doing his own thing while we watch Sam react to his new food...

Well, now here I sit...Samuel is officially 18 weeks old today and we're just four days away from the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. What will you do to honor and remember our sweet angels? If interested, check out www.iamtheface.org to see how you can show your support...

Let's Dance...

This week has been filled with smiles from a certain little boy in this house -- all because of a song by The Black Eyed Peas. That's right. "I Gotta Feeling" is quite a hit around here! Every time I play it (via YouTube), he stops what he's doing to listen. The best part is when we start dancing. After a few dance moves, he starts doing this nonstop...

Does it bring you the same response? Ha...

Poor James...he doesn't care for that band at ALL. He said he wishes Samuel liked another band rather than this one, ha. Either way, Sam loves it, so it will be played. I also discovered that Toby Mac's Made To Love gives a similar response (but definitely not the same!), so we'll be rockin' out to that one, too. Good times.

In other news...

Our three angels have been on my mind a lot lately. I mean, they always are, but then little things spark that extra emphasis into such thoughts. Like today...October is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I have been seeing a lot of mention by friends about their angels in reference to what this month represents. I wish so badly our first three babies were here. Instead, we do what we can to honor and remember them while soaking up every single second with their healthy little brother. There are so many days where I still find it hard to believe that it took 8 years...EIGHT!...to get to where we are -- a family with a healthy child. I still have my moments of feeling like it's all a dream. It's not real. We're not really here. We're still yearning for that dream that for so long felt unreachable. Yet, we are here. Sam is here. When we go out in public, we look like that normal, young family with a little kid. Only, there's so much more to it than that. I sometimes find it all a bit hard to grasp. Even tonight, I told James on the way home from church that I feel like I sort of missed out on thoroughly enjoying Samuel's first couple hours after birth...I was in SUCH shock, that I almost wouldn't let myself believe that it was real. When will I just let it be and stop feeling like that? Stop thinking about it all in such a manner as this? Oh, if it were only that easy.

I continually read blogs of baby loss friends who have yet to hold their rainbow in their arms. I read of their struggles -- of how hard it is to see rainbows, pregnancies, etc. I nod in agreement and understanding as I read through it all...then I have to sit back and remind myself that while I get it and that I've been there SO many times...that it's my turn to finally sit back and just enjoy life with Sam. That while the grief will never leave...I need to find a way to let go of some of it. Let go of the feelings that I have when I see preggos -- especially naive ones that complain about the most ridiculous issues that to anyone in our (baby loss mamas) shoes would gladly take in a heartbeat. Let go of the anger that I have over Olivia's death (I have found peace over the years in regards to losing Jacob and Jordan, but haven't found such peace for Livy). Let go of the guard that I have over myself so as not to get hurt...which in the process I feel is hindering me from thoroughly enjoying every moment as a mom to a healthy kid. Not that I don't soak up every second, but with the moments of finding it surreal and having fear of it ending...I wish that I could let go of all of that. Perhaps one day...

In the meantime, I'm trying. Sam and I have made the attempt at getting involved in Mommy & Me type groups. We spend our days learning and exploring, and just spending that quality time together while James is at work. It's everything I thought it would be and more. I love it. With every new thing that Sam discovers, it absolutely melts our hearts. To watch him give the biggest grin to a new song. To see him figure out how to hit the song buttons on his car/walker and figure out how to go in reverse. To watch him stare intently at Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the morning and give the most genuine smiles...such joy. We dance to the song mentioned above multiple times a day...if not only for his happiness, but also for the happiness it gives us when watching him enjoy it. Better yet are the moments when we watch Obadiah slowly walk up to Samuel while he's sleeping, sniff him, wag his tail, and quietly walk on. He's such a gentle, loving, big bro! This new life of ours is absolutely amazing and I'm so thankful we are getting to experience it all. In fact, last night, while at the store, we saw a bib for sale that said it all...

We didn't buy it, but we both smiled when we saw it and commented about how it read our minds. We are so thankful for this little boy! I feel like I could get on here and brag about him every night (if I found the time!). In fact, it's becoming apparent to others that we hold him quite a bit. When we picked Samuel up from the church nursery tonight, one of the volunteers was holding him while he slept. They commented about how he likes to be held, etc. and one sweet girl said something along the lines of, "I bet you never want to put him down!" I smiled and agreed and she said, "I didn't ever want to put my first down, either!" It was really sweet. Of course, like other comments referring to Sam being our first, I couldn't help but think to myself about how there's so much more to it than that. Okay, there I go again...

Anyways. We love him and I absolutely canNOT believe he's almost 4 months old! Seriously...16 1/2 weeks already. What the heck?! When I took his picture in his chair, he sat up straight! Where did my newborn go?!?!?!

Ignore the fact that he has no clothes on...

While going through my cell phone pictures earlier, I decided to upload a few that constantly bring smiles. He's getting so big, so fast! Last weekend, after hanging out in his walker, he decided he wanted to stand. So, I held his hands out to see what he could do. Granted, by the time James took a picture, Samuel was about done. Regardless, neither of us could get over how much he is figuring out already. He needs to slow down! I thought crawling came before walking. This is a bit much, little man. I know he won't be running around the house just yet, but standing with minimal assistance...he's been standing on my lap while I keep him balanced for awhile now...but still. He definitely keeps us on our toes! We joke about the fact that according to that What To Expect The First Year book, Sam is typically a little behind on the guaranteed milestones for his age, yet he's way ahead of the curve on the ones that fall under the milestones extremely rare for that age. I suppose babies are all on their on schedule, and Samuel is no exception!

A very blurry image of Sam standing -- or I suppose by the time this picture was taken, he was nearly done with the whole standing thing...

And among the other cell phone images, here are the recent pics that bring a smile...

Sam staring at the butterfly image...

How we spend our mornings on the days that he's ready to start the day, but I am NOT. (I typically text the hubs these pictures so he has something to look at after PT.) It's a total bummer that it's blurry -- darn cell phone!

Lastly, we ran late this afternoon and didn't get out the door in time for the Bible study before our church service. So, instead, we wasted 45 minutes shopping. During that time, James decided that he wanted to hold Sam instead of keep him in the car seat. Before long, this is how the little guy decided to spend his outing -- I just love it...

Okay, now that I've rambled and kind of gone in all sorts of directions with this blog posting, I'm off to bed. Bis morgen...

Oh, Do You Have Two???

While having our pest control technician out at the house, I unexpectedly received a question that I haven't had to deal with much lately. "How many kids do you have?" Of course, as you walk in the house, you see our family portrait back when it included Olivia, but I suppose you could assume that Samuel was the baby in the picture if you weren't really paying attention. After all, he was in my arms the minute she walked in and with no other kids running around, why not? With immediately seeing Sam, she started talking to me about her own 12 week old and all of the things he is currently learning/discovering.

We continued to make small talk until she arrived at our "guest bedroom." I put that in quotations, because that's what it *should* be. Ever since we brought Samuel home, it's just been a storage room since I haven't found the motivation to set it all up after switching the rooms around. Anyways...as she walked in, I immediately forewarned her that it's a mess. She quickly dismissed that, but then saw the girly wallpaper and bed and said, "Oh, do you have two kids?!?!" In hopes of avoiding any further talk about it, I quickly said, "Well, our daughter passed away." She responded as you would expect -- "Awhhhhhhh" -- and then continued on with what she was doing. I just thought to myself...if you only knew our history. But there I was, not in the mood to elaborate. Of course, with giving that response, I began to question myself as to why I only mentioned Olivia. Was it because that was the *easy* way out since that room implied having a daughter? It gets to be too much of an explanation if I go in more detail and talk about all three of our angels. With the simple response that I gave, she said, "Ahhh," and moved on. That was easy enough. But, of course, immediately after that, I wished I had gone in more detail. This sort of thing is never easy, is it?

After she sprayed the guest bedroom, she went on to Samuel's room and began telling me all about her newborn son. They were sweet comments and I'm happy for her, but I found myself lacking interest in hearing any of it. I hate that I have such a bitter/angry spirit at times...many times. I sometimes wish that having our sweet boy would knock that all out, but I still find it creeping up on me like I did that day. I wish it wasn't like that.

It's little moments like the other day that I'm just continually reminded of what we will always struggle with. After the pest control technician left, I couldn't help but just stare at our sweet little girl's picture, while holding on to sweet little Sam. I'm so thankful that we have had all four of our babies -- I just wish all four were here with us now.

With that, I suppose it's time to figure out how to decorate our entry way now that Samuel is here. Since I don't want to take down the family portrait with Olivia, I suppose a collage may be in order. In fact, I'm tempted to put a few of our family pictures up from years past. I will forever laugh about what a friend of ours said after seeing the picture below. He said that now that Samuel's here, Obadiah will probably look at this picture when we're gone and think, "Yeah...that's how things used to be..."

(Taken during R&R in July 2004)

And.......The Anger Is Back...

So, we still hold some fairly strong feelings towards my OB in WA...

I mean, obviously, when there's a loss, you try to put the blame somewhere. Not always is it exactly warranted, but sometimes I feel that it is. With Liv's death, I know that there's no bringing her back, nor can I completely blame my OB, but I'd like to think he didn't do everything possible to make sure she arrived a healthy baby girl. I've gone through phases where I've been at peace with it, but there are also times where I'm downright furious with him. Today was one of those days...

The reason such feelings arose was due to my research on kick counts. With today marking 25 weeks, I knew it was just about time that we need to start doing those on a daily basis. To refresh my memory, I pulled up some official websites that explain the ins and outs of why they're necessary, how often to do them, etc. All of this brought back memories of when I would speak to my OB about such things. I remember asking him about it in the second trimester and him dismissing the idea. He said to not stress kick counts, but just focus on making sure that she IS moving. He said that he never liked to tell his patients to do kick counts, because it would only freak them out more if an hour went by and there was little movement. Alright, fine. So I ignored him and continued to do them.

Well, fast forward to her 36 week appointment...her heartbeat was nice and strong, but I commented that she wasn't moving AS much as normal. He said that's normal -- yet according to these websites, that's not true. I wish I would've read the websites that week, rather than listen to my OB. He said that even if her movement had lessened, if it was still there, she's fine. Alright, so I listened to him and dismissed my worries. What happens? Two days later, I call due to absolutely no movement and we all know what happened after that...

While reading about kick counts today, it said in nice bold letters that you should take great concern if the frequency of movement lessens, even if the heart rate is still strong -- that it's best to investigate at the onset of slower movements, because if you wait until the heart rate slows down, it may be too late. That's wonderful. Thank you, Dr. Herman. I wish you would not have been stubborn about such things and just nonchalantly dismissed my concerns as nothing. Sure, she could've still passed away -- especially since we have absolutely no idea why her heart stopped when it did -- but I'd like to think that had he listened to my voiced concerns, maybe we could've had a better chance at enjoying a now 15 month old little girl.

Don't you love the what-if's? Ugh...

All we can do is try to find peace with Liv's death, as we have with Jake and Jordan. It has definitely been a harder task this time around, though. I just hope and pray that Sam keeps a strong heart beat and makes it! We possibly have as few as 10 weeks left depending on how that amnio goes. In the meantime, we'll be doing those kick counts and praying...lots...

What A Way to Start Our Morning!

This past Friday was a good day, but it didn't start out so great...

We had quite an interesting morning to say the least. I suppose I can thank the super sensitive preggo nose for saving the day. I woke up to a burnt smell and when I nudged James to ask if he smelled it too, he lifted his head for a second, didn't smell anything, then went back to dreamland. Well, a few minutes later, it seemed like the smell was even stronger, so I convinced him to get up and check it out -- I know, make the husband do the dirty work, ha. Well, sure enough, it was something serious. Our kitchen was in a cloud of smoke and the smell was definitely strong! I got up to help try and figure it out, but neither of us could find the culprit. James went up to the attic to see if he could see something up there, yet there was no sign of any trouble. Obviously, we were in a daze from being half asleep, but I started to wonder if we should call the fire department. There was smoke and a strong smell, but no obvious cause -- not very comforting! Finally, while standing in the kitchen and trying figure out what on earth could be causing this, I heard a zapping noise coming from the bottom of the fridge. Sure enough, the fridge was on the verge of snapping. We immediately unplugged it and transferred what we could to our chest freezer and the rest to coolers in hopes that we could get the fridge fixed before anything goes bad.

I've come to the conclusion that fridges hate us. While we were in WA, our fridge crapped out on us so we rushed out to buy a chest freezer to salvage our food. (I'm sure thankful we have that now after dealing with this a second time!) During that whole saga, we went through 3 fridges before getting one that worked without issue -- talk about a headache! Then we move here and our fridge tries to possibly catch the house on fire. Seriously???

I'm glad we figured it out when we did, though! I just kept thinking how thankful I was that James was actually home that morning due to our Atlanta appointment. Had it been any other day, he would've been at work and I sure would've been nervous about pulling out the fridge myself with being preggo and high risk. That thing is heavy!

Even though the smell had dissipated for the most part by the time we needed to head out (and it showed no signs of causing more problems) for Atlanta, I was still super paranoid about leaving Oba alone in the house with a busted fridge. The poor basset.

After dealing with it all, I immediately emailed my landlord (they're stationed in Italy so that's the best form of contact) and literally stared at my phone all day as if staring at it was going to get a response that much sooner. I knew they had a warranty on the fridge, but I didn't have the contact information for the company so we would have to wait to hear back from our landlord to get this taken care of.

In the end, staring at my phone got me no where. But by Sat. morning, she responded and the warranty company was out later that day and worked their magic. As it turned out, the relay in the fridge was bad. Apparently this is common? After replacing the busted relay, our fridge was back to normal. Thank God!

I'm just about done with fridges crapping out on us. I hope this is the last of such issues -- at least until the next house...

What A Headache...

I recently found out that the medication (hydroxyprogesterone caproate aka 17P injections) that I've been on this entire pregnancy will soon skyrocket in price and be nearly too expensive to obtain. Wonderful! Until now, it was covered by our insurance and only cost me a small copay plus shipping so it was no big deal. However, things will soon change as I know our insurance company and a couple of others are not picking this drug up under their coverage. I hope that changes quickly, but if not, that means that my $14/vile expense would jump to $7500/vile. (One vile lasts about a month.) Can you imagine? This insane hike in price is going to result in so many women going without, even though they need it. For a drug with such a detrimental effect -- preventing preterm labor -- it sucks to see a company monopolize on it like they are.

All that to say that I spent my entire morning yesterday on the phone with three different specialty pharmacies, my insurance company, the company that covers my prescription benefits, and the company that is in charge of producing the new form of this drug -- hours on end going back and forth just trying to get answers. Initially, no one knew if this would be covered under our insurance, but by the end, I finally found out that it would not. I wasn't really THAT stressed out about it, but I just wanted answers and it was driving me half-mad not getting any. After finally getting some, I figured I had better order one last refill before the switchover took place so that I would be good on my injections until 30 weeks. I suppose if I go without after that, I'll just make friends with the couch even more than I already have and just lay low.

What makes me so mad is that, while I will be about one vile short, there are so many I know that are just starting this treatment or soon will be. That means that they'll be in a much different situation. The whole thing is just wrong! I hope that as this transition takes place, the insurance companies along with the pharmaceutical company work something out so that this will be affordable to those that need it -- $7500/vile is not affordable! I would think that covering this drug under an insurance plan would be much cheaper in the long run than the expense behind an unknown amount of NICU time for that poor preemie.

Oh well. That's my rant for the day. Luckily, after figuring all of that out yesterday and finally getting some answers, things have been very relaxed since then. Lunch with a friend, a movie with the hubs (Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is an odd movie to say the least!), and visual movement from Samuel while hanging out -- can't beat it. I think the last aspect was by far the best.

Being 23 weeks along now, we've got one more week until our next peri appointment in Atlanta. We can't wait to see the little guy on the big screen again. Hopefully we'll continue to receive good news. Until then, I suppose we can sit and stare at my stomach and watch him move around now. I hope this little guy continues to grow and keeps that strong heartbeat!

Wasn't Quite Expecting THAT Response...

So with the forecast claiming pretty warm weather soon, I gave in and went to Motherhood Maternity to buy a pair of shorts. While there, I listened to the sales associate brag on and on and on to various customers (she was rather loud with her voice so it was hard not to hear it all) about her grandbabies and all the clothes that she's been buying for her pregnant daughter, etc. Well, her loud ways continued when I got up there to check out...

Apparently, this particular store wants every possible bit of information just short of your SSN when you purchase something there. Every time she asked for another piece of info, I would answer her, then go back to searching through my purse. When she'd ask for something else -- phone number, email, due date, mailing address, etc. -- I would quickly answer, then go back to what I was doing. I didn't expect this to last as long as it did! When she got to my address, I was surprised to hear that she already had one on file. I've never bought anything from this store before...ever. Minus the few things I bought at Old Navy and Ross while preggo with Liv, the rest are hand-me-downs from my sister, Jen. So for her to have an address under my name, I couldn't help but ask what address she had. As it turns out, she had my parents' address in Indy. Weird! I would have never given that as my address. Heck, I can't even remember it off-hand when I'm mailing them a card -- let alone give it to a store while purchasing some clothes! Oh well, anyways...I said that must've been from a LONG time ago so we updated it. Her next question was what threw me off -- well...not the question, but how she handled my answer...

She asked me in a very loud, excited voice..."So, is this your FIRST?!?!"

***Let me just say that I HATE that question with a passion. People don't really want to hear the answer. When I say, "No, we've lost three." It kills the conversation. Yet, I can't simply just say, "No," by itself, or it would lead to more questions about my other kids, etc. I just hate it.***

After she asked that question...I paused, looked at her, and nicely said, "Um...hopefully our first healthy one." I left it at that and continued to look at the little credit card screen to sign my name. As I started to look down, she started laughing...hard -- as if I was a stand-up comedian and I had just told the most hilarious joke of the night. I stopped what I was doing, looked up at her and just thought, "How is that even funny?" I don't know what kind of response I expected out of that, but it sure wasn't a laugh. Maybe an awkward silence or just an, "oh, ok..." and we'd move on -- I had no interest in carrying on a conversation with her, but I was nicely answering her questions as they were asked. As she continued to laugh with a cheesy grin on her face, I grabbed my bag and left.

Maybe I was just super sensitive, but that was really disturbing to me on many levels. Why a laugh? What kind of response is that? Even if that wasn't implying previous loss, would you laugh at the hope of having a healthy kid?

Oh well. After dealing with that annoyance, I went to Target to run the rest of my errands and headed home. While I was there, I couldn't help but grab some clearance Peanut M&M's. I didn't think they would be such a weakness, but man...I can't put the bag down! At least one good thing came from that little shopping trip...

Does anyone else think of the scene in Tommy Boy when eating M&M's?

Dear, South...

I'm not sure that I like you all that much...You and your humidity, nasty storms, red clay dirt, and BUGS!

Overall, it's been pretty uneventful around here lately. I've spent my days laying low, feeling sick, and watching a certain basset whine out of boredom. Of course, we did have a little excitement earlier this evening. Not only were we reintroduced to tornado-threatening type weather (man, I miss the PNW! Never a nasty cloud in the sky, just innocent little rain clouds!), but we were also introduced to something that's probably quite normal down here in the South...bugs.

When James got home from work, the first thing he did was ask if I had noticed the nasty clouds and horrible weather in general. He said it looked pretty bad from his office, and well...we're just not used to this anymore. Luckily, it never got TOO bad, but the color of the sky was enough to get our attention. Apparently, AL had some pretty nasty tornado warnings, and I'm sure they could've easily come our way since we're right on the border. Ugh.

Soon after that conversation...upon walking to the kitchen...James yelled out in disgust/shock a few choice words, so I jumped up to see what was wrong -- ok, maybe "jumped up" is a bit far-fetched...I got up slowly in my nausea-filled state. As it turns out, we had quite the little invasion of an ant army attacking our kitchen in droves from the kitchen nook/patio wall. Vomit! Never have we dealt with this junk, and I really hope this first is also our last. There's just something disgusting to me about a massive amount of ants *inside our home*...1 ant? Sure, I'm okay with...100+? No, not at all.

Looking back, I do remember having issues with roaches when we first moved here, but they never turned into rude house guests and invited themselves in for dinner. They stayed on the patio (there's a weird drain nearby, which I'm sure attracts them) and since roaches gross James out more than nearly anything else on Earth, the sight of them puts him in battle mode. He immediately went and bought traps, those plug-ins that deter bugs and tons of insecticide, which appears to have done its job. No longer do we ever see them, so I haven't thought much about it. That is...until tonight...when we got these new uninvited guests...

Apparently, spraying around the house every 2 months isn't enough around here, as they came from the baseboards and headed straight for the trashcan. Gross! I'm sure this is slightly laughable that we would get so grossed out by this, but I'm just not meant for bugs. In fact, if I had it my way, James would exterminate even the daddy long legs that camp out on our front porch. He won't since they're harmless, but harmless or not, they need to go in my opinion! (Clearly, you won't be seeing me camping in the woods anytime soon...I'm quite the pansy when it comes to creepy crawlies....or apparently, even ants...ha.)

With being preggo and all, James got to take on the job of killing and cleaning after we noticed that party going on in the kitchen. While doing that, Oba and I camped out in the bedroom and I listened as he grumbled/cried/whined at the door. Oh, the hard life that basset has! Since the kitchen is right outside our bedroom door, we didn't want him stomping and tracking those pests around the house -- that would've made our night even more enjoyable I'm sure...

So while I sit back and try to do what I can to avoid getting sick, James gets to play pest control tomorrow after work. If this doesn't cut it and we start to find more of these nasty things, I think it'll be time to call Terminix. Yuck! Right about now, I'm REALLY missing WA. The most we ever dealt with over there were slugs, and while some are grossed out by them, I could care less. They never invite themselves into our home, so I never had any complaints...

A Rough Month Ahead...

So with Thanksgiving just a day away, all I can think about is where we were this time last year. So many memories keep flooding my thoughts -- specifically about Olivia. So much joy surrounded this season last year. So much excitement. Even with James being gone, we didn't care about being apart during the holidays...we had so much more to look forward to. I kept busy with three different Thanksgiving gatherings with other Army wives, and spent Black Friday shopping with a friend that was due two days after me. We spent the day talking about our little girls and getting things for them. Yet here we are...Our little girl never got enjoy those gifts, and who would've known that soon after those fun times, we would be saying goodbye?

These memories seem to be taking center stage lately, leaving little room for the more recent joy surrounding Spud. I know that we possibly have much to look forward to again with Spud, yet it's just not the same. I find myself not wanting to get too excited or attached to this new baby/pregnancy for fear of things going wrong. Instead, I just keep thinking about where we should be with Liv. I remember struggling with this years ago with Jake, and now here we are again...

Prior to finding out about the Spud, James and I debated constantly about what we were going to do about the upcoming holidays. We knew we wouldn't be sharing in much of the joy that others around us would be feeling, so we didn't know how we wanted to approach all of that. Should we go home? Should we stay here? Should we even get together with others at all? We constantly went back and forth about what we were going to do. Then once we received the BFP, we immediately knew one thing...we definitely weren't going to drive home. Eleven hours in the car is just too long when you feel sick to your stomach -- not to mention the fact that just the idea of traveling that far freaks me out with our history!

Once that much of our debate was settled, we were both a little relieved. Of course, it wasn't long after that when we received an invite to the home of one of James' coworkers for Thanksgiving. In the end, we decided to go ahead and take them up on the invite, but we'll see how things go. Since moving here, we've been really bad about taking that step to meeting those in the unit, so I thought this would be a good opportunity to finally do that. So while my level of excitement might not be as it should be, we'll be spending time with others on this day of Thanks...

Here's hoping it all goes well, and that perhaps the company of others helps keep our minds off of the sadder memories. I suppose I'll worry about the next big holiday (Christmas) after we get through tomorrow. That's going to be on a whole different scale of craziness -- especially with Liv's 1 year Angelversary coming up!

I've Just About Had It...

...with these companies that can't seem to send out a correct bill or give you accurate information! AT&T, DIRECTV, and XM Radio are officially on my hate list. I've spent the past few days being very irritated with these guys, and it shouldn't be that way. I just don't understand why it has to be so difficult!

For two months straight now, we've been battling it out with AT&T (and DIRECTV), and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm really starting to think we should've chosen another outlet for internet/cable service now. Initially, we had issues with the installation process and getting the package that we actually ordered (one issue being that they set us up with the slowest internet connection instead of the fastest like we had ordered, etc.). Then once the first bill came, we've had nothing but issues with that. Don't tell me a price, show a price on your website, then charge me something else!

Every time I call these companies, I end up having to demand a manager and half the time, that doesn't even help. After hours on the phone, I go away thinking that we're good to go and that by the time the next bill comes, things will be fixed and we'll be done with this mess. Wrong. I think after the countless hours wasted with them over the last two months -- with little to no resolution -- the BBB might be contacted. It's totally not worth the stress anymore, ugh.

It makes me wonder...do they mess up the bills purposely just hoping that those that don't pay attention will blindly pay it? I wouldn't put it past them. After all, they offer a cheaper monthly rate if you do the automatic payment plan. Perhaps they hope you won't notice what's actually going on your credit card...

The same goes for XM Radio...I've had no complaints with them until Friday. With the new truck came a 3 month free trial, and since James liked it so much, we kept the service after that ended. Plus, thanks to one of my sisters, I found out that they always offer promotional rates -- making it too good to pass up. Unfortunately, they don't seem to do a good job at following through. Back in August, I called to set up the continued service under a promo, and was told that I would be getting 5 months worth for a certain price and that we were good to go. After receiving my confirmation number, I went on my merry way. Then comes this past Friday, when I checked our credit card balance and saw that we had a surprise charge from them. I called after wondering what on earth that was for, only to find out that the "promo rate" was never put on our account, and that until now, we were supposedly not receiving any kind of deal and that they just now finally billed us. Yeah, that's a no-go. After awhile of working with the rep to get all of that fixed (mind you, she was super nice and willing to fix the issue -- DTV and AT&T need to take lessons!), I left the phone call expecting a credit to our credit card account within 24 hours and no more charges until April of next year.

So after all of that...I didn't know whether to laugh or growl when I saw our cc account this morning. Not only was there no credit, but there was a new charge similar to the last incorrect one last week. What on earth! Really? We really have to play this game?

I was telling a friend today that I almost miss the days when we had like 3 bills in Germany and that was it. Sure, it was simple living, but we didn't have to deal with these customer service reps monthly, while trying to fix mistakes on our bill....

I'm sure this is a near laughable/ridiculous blog posting to read, but it's been driving me absolutely insane. I know I could just tell them where to shove it, cancel service, and go elsewhere, but I doubt it'd be better anywhere else. I just really wish these companies would get their act together!

On a happier note, the new Harry Potter movie was pretty good. Now we just have to wait 8 more months to see how it ends (for those of us that haven't read the books)...