Saturday, October 1, 2011

Let's Dance...

This week has been filled with smiles from a certain little boy in this house -- all because of a song by The Black Eyed Peas. That's right. "I Gotta Feeling" is quite a hit around here! Every time I play it (via YouTube), he stops what he's doing to listen. The best part is when we start dancing. After a few dance moves, he starts doing this nonstop...


Does it bring you the same response? Ha...


Poor James...he doesn't care for that band at ALL. He said he wishes Samuel liked another band rather than this one, ha. Either way, Sam loves it, so it will be played. I also discovered that Toby Mac's Made To Love gives a similar response (but definitely not the same!), so we'll be rockin' out to that one, too. Good times.

In other news...

Our three angels have been on my mind a lot lately. I mean, they always are, but then little things spark that extra emphasis into such thoughts. Like today...October is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I have been seeing a lot of mention by friends about their angels in reference to what this month represents. I wish so badly our first three babies were here. Instead, we do what we can to honor and remember them while soaking up every single second with their healthy little brother. There are so many days where I still find it hard to believe that it took 8 years...EIGHT!...to get to where we are -- a family with a healthy child. I still have my moments of feeling like it's all a dream. It's not real. We're not really here. We're still yearning for that dream that for so long felt unreachable. Yet, we are here. Sam is here. When we go out in public, we look like that normal, young family with a little kid. Only, there's so much more to it than that. I sometimes find it all a bit hard to grasp. Even tonight, I told James on the way home from church that I feel like I sort of missed out on thoroughly enjoying Samuel's first couple hours after birth...I was in SUCH shock, that I almost wouldn't let myself believe that it was real. When will I just let it be and stop feeling like that? Stop thinking about it all in such a manner as this? Oh, if it were only that easy.

I continually read blogs of baby loss friends who have yet to hold their rainbow in their arms. I read of their struggles -- of how hard it is to see rainbows, pregnancies, etc. I nod in agreement and understanding as I read through it all...then I have to sit back and remind myself that while I get it and that I've been there SO many times...that it's my turn to finally sit back and just enjoy life with Sam. That while the grief will never leave...I need to find a way to let go of some of it. Let go of the feelings that I have when I see preggos -- especially naive ones that complain about the most ridiculous issues that to anyone in our (baby loss mamas) shoes would gladly take in a heartbeat. Let go of the anger that I have over Olivia's death (I have found peace over the years in regards to losing Jacob and Jordan, but haven't found such peace for Livy). Let go of the guard that I have over myself so as not to get hurt...which in the process I feel is hindering me from thoroughly enjoying every moment as a mom to a healthy kid. Not that I don't soak up every second, but with the moments of finding it surreal and having fear of it ending...I wish that I could let go of all of that. Perhaps one day...

In the meantime, I'm trying. Sam and I have made the attempt at getting involved in Mommy & Me type groups. We spend our days learning and exploring, and just spending that quality time together while James is at work. It's everything I thought it would be and more. I love it. With every new thing that Sam discovers, it absolutely melts our hearts. To watch him give the biggest grin to a new song. To see him figure out how to hit the song buttons on his car/walker and figure out how to go in reverse. To watch him stare intently at Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the morning and give the most genuine smiles...such joy. We dance to the song mentioned above multiple times a day...if not only for his happiness, but also for the happiness it gives us when watching him enjoy it. Better yet are the moments when we watch Obadiah slowly walk up to Samuel while he's sleeping, sniff him, wag his tail, and quietly walk on. He's such a gentle, loving, big bro! This new life of ours is absolutely amazing and I'm so thankful we are getting to experience it all. In fact, last night, while at the store, we saw a bib for sale that said it all...


We didn't buy it, but we both smiled when we saw it and commented about how it read our minds. We are so thankful for this little boy! I feel like I could get on here and brag about him every night (if I found the time!). In fact, it's becoming apparent to others that we hold him quite a bit. When we picked Samuel up from the church nursery tonight, one of the volunteers was holding him while he slept. They commented about how he likes to be held, etc. and one sweet girl said something along the lines of, "I bet you never want to put him down!" I smiled and agreed and she said, "I didn't ever want to put my first down, either!" It was really sweet. Of course, like other comments referring to Sam being our first, I couldn't help but think to myself about how there's so much more to it than that. Okay, there I go again...

Anyways. We love him and I absolutely canNOT believe he's almost 4 months old! Seriously...16 1/2 weeks already. What the heck?! When I took his picture in his chair, he sat up straight! Where did my newborn go?!?!?!

Ignore the fact that he has no clothes on...


While going through my cell phone pictures earlier, I decided to upload a few that constantly bring smiles. He's getting so big, so fast! Last weekend, after hanging out in his walker, he decided he wanted to stand. So, I held his hands out to see what he could do. Granted, by the time James took a picture, Samuel was about done. Regardless, neither of us could get over how much he is figuring out already. He needs to slow down! I thought crawling came before walking. This is a bit much, little man. I know he won't be running around the house just yet, but standing with minimal assistance...he's been standing on my lap while I keep him balanced for awhile now...but still. He definitely keeps us on our toes! We joke about the fact that according to that What To Expect The First Year book, Sam is typically a little behind on the guaranteed milestones for his age, yet he's way ahead of the curve on the ones that fall under the milestones extremely rare for that age. I suppose babies are all on their on schedule, and Samuel is no exception!

A very blurry image of Sam standing -- or I suppose by the time this picture was taken, he was nearly done with the whole standing thing...


And among the other cell phone images, here are the recent pics that bring a smile...

Sam staring at the butterfly image...


How we spend our mornings on the days that he's ready to start the day, but I am NOT. (I typically text the hubs these pictures so he has something to look at after PT.) It's a total bummer that it's blurry -- darn cell phone!


Lastly, we ran late this afternoon and didn't get out the door in time for the Bible study before our church service. So, instead, we wasted 45 minutes shopping. During that time, James decided that he wanted to hold Sam instead of keep him in the car seat. Before long, this is how the little guy decided to spend his outing -- I just love it...


Okay, now that I've rambled and kind of gone in all sorts of directions with this blog posting, I'm off to bed. Bis morgen...

4 comments:

  1. Aww, I just love reading your post. I do hope you find peace with Olivia's death one day. I love the pictures.

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  2. This was beautiful. I find myself having a lot of these same things. That I want to let things go, but I can't. I think over time our grief will change. It already has. And I think if we are lucky enough to have more kids I will be the same - always wanting to hold them and just enjoying EVERYTHING because we know just how fortunate we are and how special it is.

    These pictures were so cute - I can't believe how much he has changed. I wish our boys could stay little just a little while longer :)

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  3. Hey Priss! Time to bust out the video camera! We want to see your little dude in action, especially the rocking out on Black Eyed Peas. :) Plus, moments like this won't happen again.

    Dave and I will remember your three angels in our support group's Service of Remembrance today. I'm sure they are tickled by the fact that their little bro is doing so well and becoming a music fan.

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  4. I love Sam's expression in that first picture. You can tell how excited he is. Genevieve grooves to Celtic. Poor kid. :) That bib you saw is perfect. These rainbows will probably never know just how grateful we are for them and what blessings they are to their families. You and James experienced so much to get to this place. Your angels will always be with you, watching over you and sending you peace and happiness. And like Jennifer said, getting a big kick out of their adorable little brother!

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