Happy Birthday, Jake!!!

It's been awhile since I've been on here, and while that's no surprise to those that follow this blog, I found it fitting that on such a day as this, I come back to write...

Today is what would be our first son's 14th birthday. How has it been FOURTEEN years?!?! It feels like just yesterday, we were sitting in the hospital room at the Army hospital in Würzburg, Germany waiting and wondering to see if our son would survive. At just 21 weeks, my water had broke (for unknown reasons), and there was very little hope. James was there with me instead of in Bosnia with his company, where he was supposed to be that day. Sitting there in tears, knowing the worst was probably upon us. Then we received the news that his heart had stop and the dreaded news was received. I can't believe it's been so long. We were newly weds, having only been married just over a year at that point. So excited about having our little guy and starting our life as a family. Then this happened. After delivering our son, Jacob Tyler, silently, we sat there and just stared -- trying to memorize every feature. We knew that not only was this the day we got to meet him, but it was also the day we had to say goodbye. So much to swallow. I'll never forget how beautiful he was. His sweet little body was so fragile, yet you could tell he was his daddy's son with his features. Our son...how could it be that this happened? The shock of it all was overwhelming.

Finally Back! (And The Letter M)

It feels like it's been forever! My Mac officially died, so I had to wait for Apple to install a new hard drive. Unfortunately, trying to catch up on everything has taken much longer than I would've hoped...

With that said, how is it that Thanksgiving is NEXT week?!?! I absolutely love this time of year! This is when Thanksgiving and Christmas start to merge in this house. Our house is decorated with the harvest theme (it has been since September since I don't care for Halloween), but I have to admit, Christmas music and movies have been in full force for the last week or two. Ha. To add to the fun, there are so many crafts and activities I want to do with the boys that are holiday-themed. Now it's just a matter of finding time for it all. We did start doing a couple Thanksgiving crafts today with Samuel's school, which was fun!

Samuel and his Bible...

Raise your hand if you don't read your Bible nearly as much as you know you should. Yeah...I've got my hand held high and I'm not proud. However, there was a moment tonight that made me feel like we're at least doing something right...

Happy Easter!

How is it already April?! Seriously, I feel like we should still have a few more months of cold weather left. Yet, here we are -- April 2013 and it's hot enough to go to the pool already...

I hope everyone had a fabulous Easter Sunday! Ours wasn't exactly ideal since James had staff duty, but we still had a great day. While we most definitely plan to teach Samuel the real meaning behind Easter -- the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ -- this year was spent mainly doing the commercialized side of it... egg hunts along with candy, new books, and a few toys all stuffed inside a basket. He's too young to really understand it, but I plan to do the Resurrection rolls next year (you bake a marshmallow inside a roll and then it comes out hollow, like that of the tomb, showing that Jesus Is Risen)...

Even though we went to the Good Friday church service and there was no real reason to dress Samuel up on Easter since we mainly stayed at home, I still used it as an excuse to break out another tie for him to wear. I love little boys in ties! So we met James for lunch and took Samuel to the parade field and grabbed a few pictures. I must say, I'm not sure if I'm ever going to conquer the rough sunlight (with absolutely no shade available most of the time) while doing photography, but so be it. We still had to grab some pics!

In case you were wondering, that's not real grass -- there's no such thing here in the desert! The Army invested in AstroTurf in that particular parade field...

You like his ghost-like appearance? Yeah...still working on shooting in that harsh light...

And here are some pictures from when Samuel first woke up and checked out his Easter basket...

He likes to use various toys to make music, so we got him a little recorder. As of right now, he prefers using it upside down...

I couldn't help but laugh. He was inspecting the peeps, then turned them around and looked at the ingredient list as if he was really reading it. I think someone has been watching momma when we grocery shop. Clearly, the ingredient list for Peeps violates any type of real food diet since we've been avoiding a lot of the processed foods these days, but come on, it's Easter!

Exploring the living room...

And since we're too impatient to wait for his birthday, we gave these to him on Sunday. He is LOVING the fake fruit and vegetables! I love watching him grab the little knife to cut his fruit, ha.

Would you like a pear?

Love that sweet boy! I can't tell you how much joy it brings as we hit each holiday, knowing we get to celebrate it with him! I'm so thankful that after so many years of avoiding so many things due to the pain of our losses, we can enjoy the little things like giving Sam an Easter basket and watch as he excitedly checks out each item. It really is indescribable, and to many, I'm sure it seems like such little things, but it's huge in this house. As I was driving to post to meet James for lunch on Sunday, for whatever reason, Easter 2010 came to mind and it just made me so thankful to be where we are now. Back then, James was deployed and I was attempting to grieve the loss of our daughter, Olivia. I went to church and lunch with my sister Deb and her inlaws -- trying to hold a smile, but the pain was just so severe that I could barely do it. Back then, seeing the cute little girls in their Easter dresses was like a stab to the chest, but now...well...it's sugar-coated and the pain isn't in the forefront thanks to being able to enjoy the little things with Samuel -- like dressing him up like a little gentleman, ha. 

Oh, so thankful...

Our Angels...

While our 3 angels are always on my mind, the constant thought of them has come to the forefront a lot lately. Between different articles being posted, a new movie being produced, my first Face2Face group here in El Paso happening, and a recent video of our little rainbow...I can't stop thinking about them.

There was a recent article posted by the NYT that I have seen floating around a lot lately, so of course, I definitely have to share it with those of you that still follow this blog. It starts out with the question, "Is she your only child?" Talk about a stab to the chest! It's such an easy question, yet so difficult for anyone that has children in Heaven. I struggle with the answer to that question daily -- especially now that Samuel is involved in more activities where I'm meeting other moms on a constant basis, etc. I always appreciate when I find articles like this. Please take the time to read it *here*...

On another note, have you heard about the new movie, Return to Zero? I'm SO, so glad they reached their funding goal! In order to finish production, they had to raise $50,000, and they did it! Based on a true story about a family that delivers their first child still born, it's definitely one of a kind. I look forward to seeing it when it hits the big screen, and I hope even those that haven't experienced such a great loss takes the time to see it too -- so that you can get a glimpse into the world of those that have. It really is amazing how much face time this subject has gotten over the last several years. I feel like after we lost Jacob, I couldn't really find much out there that talked about what we were going through. I remember finding one group online of baby loss moms, but there were only a handful of people there and it wasn't even active. However, by the time we were grieving over the loss of our daughter, Olivia, more and more moms were becoming vocal on a large scale and look where we are now...a major motion picture, NILMDTS, Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, etc. There is SO much out there for those walking this path. I'm thankful for that. You definitely don't feel as alone...

Speaking of Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, I finally hosted my first Face2Face meeting here in El Paso -- or should I say, I had planned to. We finally had enough interest here locally, so I scheduled a coffee date for this past Wednesday. However, I ended up being in the local Children's Hospital ER all evening with my son, so I wasn't even able to attend. Luckily, Samuel is FINE, but they were close to admitting him due to his severe wheezing, so an hour before the coffee date, I had to let the other ladies know that I wouldn't be there. I felt terrible about it, but when I heard back from one of the other moms, it made me smile. She said she felt kind of stupid walking around the coffee shop asking if anyone else was there for Face2Face, but she eventually ran into someone that she enjoyed talking to. While this particular lady wasn't there for the group, she did end up wanting to talk. So this mom was able to share her story with someone about her sweet angel. What a blessing! I can only hope that nothing crazy happens when I plan the next coffee date!

And with that, the last thing I wanted to mention is a bit odd, but I can't help but bring it up. Do any of you believe in orbs? I've seen them in pictures frequently, but never in a video. And honestly, I don't know how much I believe in them as much as some people do, but I couldn't help but think about it the other night when they showed up in a video of my son, Samuel. Perhaps because it was late at night, or the fact that I'll find any reason to find a sign that our 3 are with us...but when I noticed them in the video, I had to watch it several times to make sure I really was seeing those little dots float across the screen. And if I did, what were they? So, of course, Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia were constantly on my mind the rest of the night. I mean, I can't tell you how many times since Samuel was born that he has looked at specific locations (where nothing was there) and it was as if he was having a conversation/laughing/staring/etc. So why not? While I may have you totally convinced that I've jumped off the deep end, I can't help but wonder...

Here's the video of the crazy Sam-man refusing to go to sleep. I was sick and exhausted so he won some movie time while I laid down in his bed...

A Day Full Of Emotion...

Today was a great day. It was also a very sad day. While my sweet sister was welcoming her new daughter, Mackenzie Grace, into the world, a dear friend was grieving the loss of her sweet angel on what would have been her due date. Add in there the standard emotions that come with having our three in Heaven...

Oh, and the biased love for the name Mackenzie since that would have been Jacob's name had he been a girl... (ps. I'm glad you picked it, Deb!)

Yeah, it was a day full of emotion...

I'm just so incredibly thankful that while I have emotional days like today -- celebrating and grieving all at once -- I can do so with this handsome little man in my arms...

A Book About Samuel...

It finally took an expiring coupon code for a free photo book to finally get me in gear and create a book about Samuel's arrival. How has it been 15 months since he was this tiny? It seems like only yesterday...

Click here to view this photo book larger

The Prayer Of Jabez...

Don't you love those unexpected encounters that bring absolute joy? While out to dinner the other night, we were seated next to an older couple that couldn't get enough of our little Samuel. They were smiling so big as they glanced over at him periodically. Then when the wife got up for a minute, the husband came over to talk to us briefly. He told us how adorable our little man was and that he was such a joy to watch -- that we were blessed with such a sweet boy, etc. Well, as the couple was leaving, they stopped by our table again. *This is the reason why I decided to blog about any of this.* The husband then handed me a business card with something written on it. He had the biggest joyful smile on his face (as did his wife) and he said that we should read The Prayer of Jabez over our sweet boy. I can't remember what else he said now, but it was along the lines of being blessed with Sam and praying for his future. I sure didn't expect any of that, but it brought incredible joy to my heart!

After they left and we continued with our meal, we talked about the encounter and how sweet that couple was. James chuckled and said how only in the South would a random stranger come up to you and talk like that -- referring to prayer and faith, etc. We both enjoyed the conversation, but I imagine it could possibly make someone else feel a little uncomfortable. What a sweet couple! They had no idea what our story was, but they sure expressed praise for our little miracle in their own way. If only I was so bold in my witness -- a lesson I could definitely take from them!

I fully intend on saving that business card and keeping it with Samuel's stuff...

1 Chronicles 4:10

"Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request."

A Deeper Shade Of Grace...

If you haven't read this book, you must find it at your local library (or buy it!) and read it! What a powerful book -- or at least I thought so! I'm glad that I finally took the time to finish it. You see, my mom had given me this book just a few months after Olivia passed away in hopes that it would bring me a little comfort. The problem is that I'm not much of a reader. In fact, it's almost guaranteed that I will fall asleep two paragraphs in. But even with that being said, a few months after receiving the book, I did give it a shot. I knew it was a story of loss -- a lot of loss -- but also a story of hope. So while waiting for numerous doctor appointments with the fertility specialists in hopes of finding even the tiniest answer as to why we've lost so many children, I decided to crack open the book. Unfortunately, just as with any book, I only got to the 3rd chapter before being distracted with other things in life and never went back to it. That was...until tonight. While trying to get Sam to sleep in his crib (a current constant battle), I figured I would just read this aloud. Boy am I glad I finally gave it another shot! Once I got into it, I couldn't put it down and now here I am at 2am with a finished book.

I think there's more to it as to why I actually finished the book now vs. back when I tried the first time. I'm in such a different place now. I can actually accept a story of hope. Back then, I couldn't. Back then, I refused to see any glimmer of hope, as I felt there was none. So to read a book about hope...well, it just infuriated me all that much more. I would have rather wallow in my anger/grief than consider the idea of a possibly joyful outcome down the road. I mean, who knew we'd have Samuel with us now?! For a long while, I refused to believe that day would ever come. So to sit there reading this book in the waiting room of a fertility clinic, while hearing healthy heartbeats coming from the ultrasounds in the other rooms...I gave it a shot, but I didn't get very far. Now...well, it was very different. I still cried throughout the book, as I felt her pain, but I could do so with a sleeping little boy right beside me. Oh, what a difference it makes!

So with giving it another shot, I couldn't get over all of the similarities between their story and ours. Sure, no two stories are the same, but as I read her words, it felt so close to home. The pain. The numerous losses -- including multiple stillbirths. The nightmares that followed. The job which took away her spouse during such times of grief. The testing of her faith in God. The anger. The shallow words said by those close to her -- in the attempt of comforting her, only to come out more hurtful than anything else. The struggles in her marriage resulting from such great loss. The comparison to Job -- a comment made by our pastor upon finding out Olivia had passed away. Etc, etc. There was so much that I could relate to. It really just left me speechless.

Between A Deeper Shade of Grace and An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, I wish everyone would take the time to read them. It opens your eyes to a world that few unfortunately experience. I so appreciate women like the two behind these books that opened up their heart so that others could find comfort in knowing they're not alone.

Late Night Thoughts...

So, here I was -- planning on finally doing Samuel's 7 month old update (2 weeks late) -- when I found myself rambling on about other things instead. So...I will postpone the 7 month old update for another day and post what's on my mind...

I know I sound like a broken record, as this is a common theme to my thought process these days, but after stumbling across a new blog unexpectedly earlier tonight, it's consuming my thoughts...I can't help but continuously think about where we are now after what we've dealt with over the years...How short life is. How time slows down when you feel nothing but pain, yet how fast it goes when you're surrounded by joy. I constantly feel like I'm in the middle of those, but yet, I just can't keep up. I find myself completely full of joy during the day, as I'm loving on Sam and watching him grow and learn. That boy is my dream come true! Yet before bed, when all three boys are sound asleep (Obadiah included), I find myself allowing the pain/anger of what has happened in the past (missing our 3) to take over my thoughts. This leads to getting absolutely no sleep at all. The past few nights have been like that. I'd love to just shut off. Oh, to be like James and just not think about the painful past -- know it's there, but not let it consume me. Yeah, that's just not me. It's ever present, but I'm always trying to push it out of the forefront. It's not until the house is silent and still that it starts to come out and overcome my thoughts. Then before I know it, I'm down to getting 3 hours or so of sleep. Good times. I know how to remedy all this...spend more time in The Word. Well, that and get to the point to where triggers don't get to me so easily. Now to just do it...

Two things come to mind after writing all of that...

There have been a few articles that have surfaced lately by moms telling it like it is. To most moms, they are praised and recommended. Yet I read them and see nothing but selfish, ungrateful moms taking for granted what they have. I know that's a bit harsh, but I just can't help it. Maybe it's that bitter heart that I just can't kick. Either way, when I sit and skim the (1000s of) comments, hidden in between are a few comments by those that feel like me. Do you want to know what they all have in common? Pain and loss. The few that have a different opinion than the masses have all experienced or seen another side of it all, resulting in a much different attitude. That struck me in a way that I can't explain. I felt justified in my reaction to it all, yet it saddened me to read what those few moms had gone through to see it in the same light as me. Loss definitely brings to light a new appreciation for things that most take for granted...

Secondly, something happened at our Bible study last week that I'm still thinking about. I can't quite remember how it related to the topic we were discussing, but one of the ladies in our group ended up giving us her life-story -- such a story of strength. This particular lady is probably in her late 40's or early 50's. She usually attends alone, but every so often brings her preteen-aged neighbor with her. I never knew anything beyond that. However, after she spoke, I just wanted to give her a big hug and then run down to the nursery and give Sam a big hug. Her story struck home, while also giving me an even BIGGER appreciation for where we are now -- holding a healthy child in our arms. Turns out, this particular lady dealt with many years of infertility -- ending in one ectopic pregnancy and never had any living children later on. Her marriage didn't work out after that and her parents have since passed away, so she is "alone." (Her wording, not mine) She is also a social worker -- having such an amazing heart for children in need. With all of that being said, she faced something throughout the years that made me so mad. Why? Because my grandma feels the same way. I'll never understand how someone has the nerve to say such things, but this girl in my Bible study was told by supposed Christian women that her loss/failed marriage was all because of the sin in her life. Ugh! The reason why no one told my grandma about Olivia's passing (and Jacob and Jordan's) was because she would've given me the same answer. We know that because she gave my mom that response when she suffered a miscarriage in the early '80s. How sad is that?! So yeah, this comment struck me. I'm sure I had a look of disgust on my face when the girl in our Bible study said it. How dare someone tell her that! After the initial comments and responses to such an awful accusation were said, the discussion went into how the things that we experience (pain and suffering) make us who we are. Her past allowed for her to have the amazing passion that she has for children in need, etc. All of this made me think of how our losses have changed us. Sure, I have a bitter heart after losing Olivia and I'm not one to deny that, but I also see other things that have come from our past. It just made me think of this quote...

Pain makes you stronger;

Tears makes you braver;

Heartbreak makes you wiser;

So thank the past for a better future.

-John Hellson

I don't know that I necessarily thank the past for a better future, but I do see how we've been molded to who we are because of what we've faced in our lives. No matter what the circumstances are, we are who we are because of what we've been through. Stronger, braver, wiser, etc...

During that same Bible study, I was also reminded (again) of a quote that I have written down in several places...

"Let your past make you better, not bitter."

I suppose if I had a new years resolution, that would be it. I don't ever do those, but I know that's something that I seriously need to work on this year. I know that having Samuel here helps. I just need to find a way to let go of the anger, find peace, and eventually be in a place of acceptance like I was for years after Jacob and Jordan. If nothing else, Sam deserves that.

Well, considering the fact that I had planned on posting an update on the boy, but instead went into a totally different direction, I will at least leave this with a recent set of pictures of him...

Oh, how I love him...

Can't Sleep...

So while failing miserably at trying to fall asleep, I couldn't help but lay there thinking about our past, present and future. Our little family. My thoughts were jumping around as usual, but at one point, I wondered...will we try for another kid at some point? I mean, after all, Samuel made it...why can't a 5th child make it, too? As I laid there wondering about that, I had this immediate thought of, "Woah...that's right. Sam did make it. He's here. Our dream of having a healthy child REALLY did come true!" I know, as I say that, you'd think I'd be over these moments of shock after almost 5 months of having a healthy child in our arms, but I'm not. I still wake up with a giddy smile at times when I realize I'm being woken up by a little guy that's ready to start the day...instead of the usual -- Obadiah ready to go out for his morning bathroom break. I still go to bed at times feeling completely overcome with a sense of joy because of where we are finally at in our lives. After so many years...the pain of our losses is still there (trust me, it won't EVER leave!), but the joy of having Samuel is amazing -- so amazing that the realization of his survival stops me in my tracks constantly. I'm so glad that moments like this can counter the ones of me reliving our painful losses of Jacob, Jordan and Olivia. I can't even begin to explain to you the emotion behind it all...

So before I let Oba in (the old man needed a 1am bathroom break) and make the attempt at falling asleep again...

I just have to say that for those of you out there that are where we were before June 7th, 2011 -- still trying to cling on to that tiny ounce of hope of possibly/eventually having a healthy child, wondering if it will EVER happen -- don't give up. The pain sucks and you'll forever miss your angel(s), but it's so worth it in the end. Here we are, eight years later...3 angels and one healthy little boy. And here I sit...still in complete awe and amazement that he's here with us...smiling in his sleep at the moment with his arms stretched out in his crib...

Yep. Totally worth it...

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

Has it really been that long since I've been on here?! A lot has happened since the last time I blogged...Samuel turned 4 months old and had his well-baby exam, James turned another year older, Samuel experienced his first pumpkin patch AND taste for solids, the three of us spent another day up in Atlanta, and we went to a Bible study for the first time since moving here (big step!). So much to talk about, but not enough energy to do so. It was definitely a great week overall.

I have one minor vent from the last week that relates to our grief -- resulting from attending that Bible study -- but I'll save that for another time. It'll just make me mad all over again and that's not the best way to start a new day. I will say this...I miss our old Bible Study in WA! While we still had similar struggles and, like this one, it was hard to attend after Olivia died, the study was MUCH more in-depth!

Okay, enough about that. Perhaps one day soon, I'll elaborate on my frustrations. Until then, I will continue on about how wonderful the last week was for our little family. First off, yesterday was the hub's birthday. Seeing as how he doesn't care for celebrating birthdays at ALL, he took the liberty of changing his birthday on Facebook and then proceeded to hide it so no one would wish him a Happy Birthday. He knew no one here locally would know about it and most would forget if they didn't see the little reminder...strange, I tell you. Not that I want ridiculous amounts of attention on mine, but I won't go out of my way to avoid it, ha. Either way, it seems as though he had a good day. I mean, after all...he had little Samuel here to celebrate with him! That's much better than years past! Having a birthday over the weekend gave us the horrible excuse to eat out more than we should and shop. Good times. Happy Birthday, Jamie!!

I suppose I can't forget about the fact that on James' Birthday, Samuel had his 4 month well-baby exam. The poor boy...he was fine until he got those evil vaccines. I still can't get over how BIG Sam is! He is now in the 75th percentile on height and weight! Geez! Here he was in the 50th percentile at 2 months and now even higher than that -- our pediatrician said that, considering he was a preemie, he definitely caught up and THEN some! Here's all 14lb 12oz and 25in of him...

His 4 month chair picture...

A boy and his dog...

What'd you say???

Love the little half-smile...

Watching Obadiah's every move...

On another note, our Atlanta trip was fun. We hit up Flip Burger again. If you're in Atlanta and you haven't been, you're missing out! I think we had our daily calorie intake in one meal, but it was worth it.

Waiting for our food...

Okay, a little bored while impatiently waiting...

But it was worth the wait. After we devoured our gourmet burgers, we had to get dessert. We typically never order dessert when we're out since we never have room left, but we couldn't resist. Who can say no to a 'Burnt Marshmallow and Nutella' or 'Key Lime Pie' milkshake? Heaven, I tell you...absolute Heaven!

After lunch and a little shopping, we checked out Piedmont Park. We've made the attempt on previous occasions, but it always ended up being gloomy or rainy. Luckily, the sun was shining this time, so we got a couple pictures of the family minus Oba. Oh, poor Obadiah...

Towards the end of our walk through the park, we found a swing in front of a peaceful lake. Samuel enjoyed his time on the swing by chewing on his new favorite toy -- James' finger. That's right. When Sam is in James' arms, he always grabs James' finger as a teether...

It was soon after our time in the park that we decided to head home and save Obadiah from the cage. Of course, we jumped right back up the next day and took Samuel to a local pumpkin patch. I have to say, they're much different in the South! Instead of walking through the field and picking your own pumpkin out, they're already stacked up on tables ready for purchase. Where's the fun in that?! Oh well. It's at least fun to walk around and get pictures of the little man surrounded by the seasonal decor. Granted, I didn't realize until we got there that my memory card was in the Mac, not the camera -- total bummer!! Here's Sam via my cell phone...

With a memorable holiday weekend behind us, it's now on to creating more baby food! During Sam's well-baby exam, our ped recommended that we start introducing solids -- both cereal and veggies. So...we went grocery shopping...

Let the fun begin. Samuel's first sampling after rice cereal ended up being sweet potatoes...

I think it's safe to say he liked it!

Sweet Oba doing his own thing while we watch Sam react to his new food...

Well, now here I sit...Samuel is officially 18 weeks old today and we're just four days away from the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. What will you do to honor and remember our sweet angels? If interested, check out www.iamtheface.org to see how you can show your support...

Let's Dance...

This week has been filled with smiles from a certain little boy in this house -- all because of a song by The Black Eyed Peas. That's right. "I Gotta Feeling" is quite a hit around here! Every time I play it (via YouTube), he stops what he's doing to listen. The best part is when we start dancing. After a few dance moves, he starts doing this nonstop...

Does it bring you the same response? Ha...

Poor James...he doesn't care for that band at ALL. He said he wishes Samuel liked another band rather than this one, ha. Either way, Sam loves it, so it will be played. I also discovered that Toby Mac's Made To Love gives a similar response (but definitely not the same!), so we'll be rockin' out to that one, too. Good times.

In other news...

Our three angels have been on my mind a lot lately. I mean, they always are, but then little things spark that extra emphasis into such thoughts. Like today...October is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I have been seeing a lot of mention by friends about their angels in reference to what this month represents. I wish so badly our first three babies were here. Instead, we do what we can to honor and remember them while soaking up every single second with their healthy little brother. There are so many days where I still find it hard to believe that it took 8 years...EIGHT!...to get to where we are -- a family with a healthy child. I still have my moments of feeling like it's all a dream. It's not real. We're not really here. We're still yearning for that dream that for so long felt unreachable. Yet, we are here. Sam is here. When we go out in public, we look like that normal, young family with a little kid. Only, there's so much more to it than that. I sometimes find it all a bit hard to grasp. Even tonight, I told James on the way home from church that I feel like I sort of missed out on thoroughly enjoying Samuel's first couple hours after birth...I was in SUCH shock, that I almost wouldn't let myself believe that it was real. When will I just let it be and stop feeling like that? Stop thinking about it all in such a manner as this? Oh, if it were only that easy.

I continually read blogs of baby loss friends who have yet to hold their rainbow in their arms. I read of their struggles -- of how hard it is to see rainbows, pregnancies, etc. I nod in agreement and understanding as I read through it all...then I have to sit back and remind myself that while I get it and that I've been there SO many times...that it's my turn to finally sit back and just enjoy life with Sam. That while the grief will never leave...I need to find a way to let go of some of it. Let go of the feelings that I have when I see preggos -- especially naive ones that complain about the most ridiculous issues that to anyone in our (baby loss mamas) shoes would gladly take in a heartbeat. Let go of the anger that I have over Olivia's death (I have found peace over the years in regards to losing Jacob and Jordan, but haven't found such peace for Livy). Let go of the guard that I have over myself so as not to get hurt...which in the process I feel is hindering me from thoroughly enjoying every moment as a mom to a healthy kid. Not that I don't soak up every second, but with the moments of finding it surreal and having fear of it ending...I wish that I could let go of all of that. Perhaps one day...

In the meantime, I'm trying. Sam and I have made the attempt at getting involved in Mommy & Me type groups. We spend our days learning and exploring, and just spending that quality time together while James is at work. It's everything I thought it would be and more. I love it. With every new thing that Sam discovers, it absolutely melts our hearts. To watch him give the biggest grin to a new song. To see him figure out how to hit the song buttons on his car/walker and figure out how to go in reverse. To watch him stare intently at Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the morning and give the most genuine smiles...such joy. We dance to the song mentioned above multiple times a day...if not only for his happiness, but also for the happiness it gives us when watching him enjoy it. Better yet are the moments when we watch Obadiah slowly walk up to Samuel while he's sleeping, sniff him, wag his tail, and quietly walk on. He's such a gentle, loving, big bro! This new life of ours is absolutely amazing and I'm so thankful we are getting to experience it all. In fact, last night, while at the store, we saw a bib for sale that said it all...

We didn't buy it, but we both smiled when we saw it and commented about how it read our minds. We are so thankful for this little boy! I feel like I could get on here and brag about him every night (if I found the time!). In fact, it's becoming apparent to others that we hold him quite a bit. When we picked Samuel up from the church nursery tonight, one of the volunteers was holding him while he slept. They commented about how he likes to be held, etc. and one sweet girl said something along the lines of, "I bet you never want to put him down!" I smiled and agreed and she said, "I didn't ever want to put my first down, either!" It was really sweet. Of course, like other comments referring to Sam being our first, I couldn't help but think to myself about how there's so much more to it than that. Okay, there I go again...

Anyways. We love him and I absolutely canNOT believe he's almost 4 months old! Seriously...16 1/2 weeks already. What the heck?! When I took his picture in his chair, he sat up straight! Where did my newborn go?!?!?!

Ignore the fact that he has no clothes on...

While going through my cell phone pictures earlier, I decided to upload a few that constantly bring smiles. He's getting so big, so fast! Last weekend, after hanging out in his walker, he decided he wanted to stand. So, I held his hands out to see what he could do. Granted, by the time James took a picture, Samuel was about done. Regardless, neither of us could get over how much he is figuring out already. He needs to slow down! I thought crawling came before walking. This is a bit much, little man. I know he won't be running around the house just yet, but standing with minimal assistance...he's been standing on my lap while I keep him balanced for awhile now...but still. He definitely keeps us on our toes! We joke about the fact that according to that What To Expect The First Year book, Sam is typically a little behind on the guaranteed milestones for his age, yet he's way ahead of the curve on the ones that fall under the milestones extremely rare for that age. I suppose babies are all on their on schedule, and Samuel is no exception!

A very blurry image of Sam standing -- or I suppose by the time this picture was taken, he was nearly done with the whole standing thing...

And among the other cell phone images, here are the recent pics that bring a smile...

Sam staring at the butterfly image...

How we spend our mornings on the days that he's ready to start the day, but I am NOT. (I typically text the hubs these pictures so he has something to look at after PT.) It's a total bummer that it's blurry -- darn cell phone!

Lastly, we ran late this afternoon and didn't get out the door in time for the Bible study before our church service. So, instead, we wasted 45 minutes shopping. During that time, James decided that he wanted to hold Sam instead of keep him in the car seat. Before long, this is how the little guy decided to spend his outing -- I just love it...

Okay, now that I've rambled and kind of gone in all sorts of directions with this blog posting, I'm off to bed. Bis morgen...

Samuel's Celebration Shower...

After our short stay in Pittsburgh, we headed west to Indy. There was much to look forward to with our visit to Indy -- Samuel's Celebration Shower, a date night, an afternoon at IU, time with friends and family, etc. If Obadiah knew what was coming, he would've looked forward to it, too! Upon our arrival, we dropped him off at the Moore Hotel for Dogs -- at least that's what we may as well call it! My in-laws have always graciously opened their house up to our basset during our Indy trips and well...I think Oba was just one step short of entering a resort when he got there! While I know James' parents were more than excited to see their grandson, I think they were fairly happy about seeing their grandpup, too. As we pulled into their driveway, they were outside waiting with the biggest smiles on their faces and immediately started loving on Oba as he jumped out of the truck. Once we got inside, we saw that they had covered all of their furniture with sheets/blankets in preparation for the prince. Plus, there was a blanket folded neatly in the center of the living room with a treat and two new toys waiting for him, HA! I really don't think he missed us much when we left later that evening and he stayed there. Oh, Oba...such a hard life he lives!

With Obadiah settled in at his hotel, James and I unpacked our stuff at my parents (they have a crib for Sam so it works out perfectly!) and headed out to see some good friends before preparing for Sam's big party. It's always fun seeing James back with one of his best friend -- such a bummer that it can't happen more often...

After a great night with good friends, we spent the next day celebrating the arrival of our little man with lots of friends and family. I didn't know what to expect, as my sisters/mom/mother-in-law planned the event and left me out of the loop, but wow! They did a great job! We were incredibly touched when we saw the party favors, desserts, pictures, video, etc. that they created. They made sure to include Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia as well as explain the meaning of a Rainbow Baby. The whole thing tied together so well. It was very clear to see how much love surrounds our little Samuel Ryan -- as well as our three angels!

It wasn't long after we arrived that friends and family started to show up to see the little man. Talk about being a hot potato! Samuel was passed around like crazy, as everyone wanted to share in the joy of his arrival. Being the laid back little boy that he is, he slept through most of the event and was perfectly content being passed around. In the end, 106 people showed up to Samuel's Celebration Shower. We were so incredibly blessed to have such loving friends and family -- so many that hoped and prayed for Samuel's safe arrival right along with us. It was great sharing in such joy with them all!

As always, I'm going to post a ridiculous amount of pictures, but I can't take credit for most of them this time around. During most of Sam's party, various sisters had my camera while I caught up with friends and family...

Samuel with his Aunt Sarah before the party...

Awesome cake pops made by my sis, Sarah...

The definition of a Rainbow Baby, along with rainbow colored M&M's...

Samuel's business cards, ha...

Waiting for people to arrive...

Can't go without a diaper cake!

There were several rainbow/butterfly related desserts made by my sisters...

Can't forget our three angels!

Finishing up Samuel's cake. My sister, Rachelle, apologized for it looking like "Rainbow Bright threw up all over it." Haha. She said that Sam HAD to have a rainbow cake and when she Googled rainbow cakes, that was the best they could find, ha. So sweet!

All themed around our story...

My sisters set up an area where people could write little notes to Sam...

Quality time with Grandpa Dave...

A fun picture taken by my sister, Deb...

Visiting with extended family...

And friends...

Friends from far away...

With Grandpa Grant...

This makes me laugh...the two Grants -- my dad and my bro-in-law...

Sleeping through the whole thing...

My sister, Deb, couldn't get enough of her hubs. There were several pics of him on his own, ha...

Such sweet friends of family -- there were several (some of which couldn't make it) who heard our story through my mom or other family members and followed us throughout our journey. So much love and support from all around...

Watching the super sweet/emotional video created by my sister, Deb...

Guess James needed some time with his boy after being passed around...

My turn...

Time for a meal with Aunt Deb...

The boys...

Proud Grandmas...

Had to get a picture of my sister, Rachelle, and I...somewhat matching...

My sweet niece, Caitlyn...She's still asking where "Baby Samuel" is...

My nephew, Ben, caught in the act...

Some of the hard-working hosts -- sisters, Deb and Rachelle...

My mother-in-law and her friends were getting a kick out of how Sam rested his hand...

So sweet...

Our little family...

Now if you've read this far without getting sick of seeing pictures and closing out the post...here's the video my sister, Deb, made for Sam's shower. She did a great job of tying everything together!!!

We love you, Samuel Ryan!!!!

We're SO glad you're here with us!!!!