Happy Birthday, Jake!!!

It's been awhile since I've been on here, and while that's no surprise to those that follow this blog, I found it fitting that on such a day as this, I come back to write...

Today is what would be our first son's 14th birthday. How has it been FOURTEEN years?!?! It feels like just yesterday, we were sitting in the hospital room at the Army hospital in Würzburg, Germany waiting and wondering to see if our son would survive. At just 21 weeks, my water had broke (for unknown reasons), and there was very little hope. James was there with me instead of in Bosnia with his company, where he was supposed to be that day. Sitting there in tears, knowing the worst was probably upon us. Then we received the news that his heart had stop and the dreaded news was received. I can't believe it's been so long. We were newly weds, having only been married just over a year at that point. So excited about having our little guy and starting our life as a family. Then this happened. After delivering our son, Jacob Tyler, silently, we sat there and just stared -- trying to memorize every feature. We knew that not only was this the day we got to meet him, but it was also the day we had to say goodbye. So much to swallow. I'll never forget how beautiful he was. His sweet little body was so fragile, yet you could tell he was his daddy's son with his features. Our son...how could it be that this happened? The shock of it all was overwhelming.

Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day...

October 15th has and always will be a special day to our family. It's a day to recognize and remember all babies gone too soon. At 7pm worldwide, everyone (who chooses to participate) is asked to light a candle to create a wave of light. I love that as Samuel gets older, he eagerly wants to participate and help with it. Tonight, he asked if he could light the candles (with my assistance) and as we did so, we talked about what they represented. We always light 3 -- one for each of our angels. It's such a little act, but has so much meaning…

On This Day...

So, Facebook has started this option called, "On This Day." It allows you to look back at various years in the past. Most of the time, I absolutely love it! I get to look back at little baby Sam and even baby Caleb now that he's not so little anymore. However, I've been thinking about how in the months to come, I might not enjoy it as much, as it will remind me of the events in 2009. Sure enough, today was one of those days…

Kindergarten...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but that sure came out of left field! Today, I was reminded once again of where we should be…celebrating the first day of kindergarten with our baby girl. Upon getting on social media, I was quickly reminded by all the pictures posted by friends who were pregnant with me back in '09 -- all commenting on the bittersweet nature of such a big day. Sigh. I'm happy for all these kids that are SUPER excited about such a big step, but boy does it hurt my heart to think of how that's just one more thing that should be happening at this house, but isn't.

I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry...

So, with the more Samuel talks, the more our conversations are getting…interesting. We're beginning to have more serious conversations, as well as some pretty off the wall talks. Earlier tonight, Samuel started a conversation that was, at best, very random and rather sad. The topic tonight was about his sister, Olivia, and rattlesnakes -- I know…odd...

The Last Eight Months...

I've often wanted to try and get on here, but it just never seems to happen. And now here we are...eight months later and just now blogging. I can't believe the last time I was on here was after Samuel's 2nd birthday in June. Sad, really.

I can honestly say, things have been going amazingly well. After Samuel turned 2, we took some leave and took him out to Disneyland, Los Angeles and the surrounding beaches, and finally San Diego. Oh, how wonderful it was to be able to go back there! We haven't been to San Diego since before our time in the Army, but it felt like we were going back home. James was ready to quit his job and stay, ha. We were able to do our typical family portraits with the tripod while out at La Jolla, too. Good times.

Return To Zero...

For those of you that know our story, you know that before having Samuel, we experienced the loss of our first 3 sweet babies - Jacob, Jordan and Olivia. There is no greater loss than that of a child. In hopes of bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, those of us in this unfortunate baby loss community are making a pledge to see an upcoming movie about such a heart-wrenching topic. 

Happy Easter!

How is it already April?! Seriously, I feel like we should still have a few more months of cold weather left. Yet, here we are -- April 2013 and it's hot enough to go to the pool already...

I hope everyone had a fabulous Easter Sunday! Ours wasn't exactly ideal since James had staff duty, but we still had a great day. While we most definitely plan to teach Samuel the real meaning behind Easter -- the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ -- this year was spent mainly doing the commercialized side of it... egg hunts along with candy, new books, and a few toys all stuffed inside a basket. He's too young to really understand it, but I plan to do the Resurrection rolls next year (you bake a marshmallow inside a roll and then it comes out hollow, like that of the tomb, showing that Jesus Is Risen)...

Even though we went to the Good Friday church service and there was no real reason to dress Samuel up on Easter since we mainly stayed at home, I still used it as an excuse to break out another tie for him to wear. I love little boys in ties! So we met James for lunch and took Samuel to the parade field and grabbed a few pictures. I must say, I'm not sure if I'm ever going to conquer the rough sunlight (with absolutely no shade available most of the time) while doing photography, but so be it. We still had to grab some pics!

In case you were wondering, that's not real grass -- there's no such thing here in the desert! The Army invested in AstroTurf in that particular parade field...

You like his ghost-like appearance? Yeah...still working on shooting in that harsh light...

And here are some pictures from when Samuel first woke up and checked out his Easter basket...

He likes to use various toys to make music, so we got him a little recorder. As of right now, he prefers using it upside down...

I couldn't help but laugh. He was inspecting the peeps, then turned them around and looked at the ingredient list as if he was really reading it. I think someone has been watching momma when we grocery shop. Clearly, the ingredient list for Peeps violates any type of real food diet since we've been avoiding a lot of the processed foods these days, but come on, it's Easter!

Exploring the living room...

And since we're too impatient to wait for his birthday, we gave these to him on Sunday. He is LOVING the fake fruit and vegetables! I love watching him grab the little knife to cut his fruit, ha.

Would you like a pear?

Love that sweet boy! I can't tell you how much joy it brings as we hit each holiday, knowing we get to celebrate it with him! I'm so thankful that after so many years of avoiding so many things due to the pain of our losses, we can enjoy the little things like giving Sam an Easter basket and watch as he excitedly checks out each item. It really is indescribable, and to many, I'm sure it seems like such little things, but it's huge in this house. As I was driving to post to meet James for lunch on Sunday, for whatever reason, Easter 2010 came to mind and it just made me so thankful to be where we are now. Back then, James was deployed and I was attempting to grieve the loss of our daughter, Olivia. I went to church and lunch with my sister Deb and her inlaws -- trying to hold a smile, but the pain was just so severe that I could barely do it. Back then, seeing the cute little girls in their Easter dresses was like a stab to the chest, but now...well...it's sugar-coated and the pain isn't in the forefront thanks to being able to enjoy the little things with Samuel -- like dressing him up like a little gentleman, ha. 

Oh, so thankful...

Oh, So You Have 3 Babies At Home?

I hate that response. Hate it. I can't blame anyone in the medical field that gives it, but I still hate it. I mean, it should only be fair to assume that when given the amount of times I've been in the hospital -- and each time resulting in the delivery of a baby -- that yes, I would have 3 babies at home. However, in this family, that means nothing...

While at a doctor's appointment yesterday, I had to give the typical history to the nurse upon being seen. It's normal -- happens every time. Of course, depending on the questions they ask (and how detailed they want to get), it can get quite interesting. The first thing he asked was how many times I've spent any amount of time in a hospital. I said 3 -- all pregnancy-related. He quickly smiled and said, "Oh! So you have three babies at home!" I had to cut him off and say, "Not exactly." It's always fun going down this road, as I try to sum up our not-so-short history and they write it all down. As I briefly told him how we had 2 stillbirths/1 living, he paused, gave me a blank stare, and continued on. Heck, I didn't even bother going into detail on our miscarriage since that didn't require a hospital stay. It's always such a hassle having to explain it all...

So I got to the point of finally seeing my doc -- in hopes of finding out why I was horribly sick for 4 days and possibly get antibiotics -- and one of the first things she said was, "So I see you have 3 babies at home! How fun!!!" With a big huge smile. What? So the nurse decided to ask for the dates of each delivery (among other details), yet failed to write down anything beyond that? So I get to repeat myself all over again to the doc?! Thanks, bud. I'm sure if I saw my doc more than once a year, maybe this wouldn't sound odd and maybe she'd know me a little better. However, I've only seen this doc once before since moving here - we're still basically in that new-patient stage. So good times were had by all, as I got to retell our story briefly. Mind you, I wasn't expecting any of this to even come up in conversation -- after all, I was there for a totally unrelated reason...

I don't know why this bothered me more this time around than in the past, but it did. I suppose it has something to do with being in a general funk of missing our angels lately. Anything can trigger it, but the past week has been filled with new births, new pregnancy announcements and worst of all...new announcements of sweet little angels that were taken too soon. That's the worst. When you get a text or email, finding out yet another mom has joined the unfortunate ranks. You mix all of that with being stuck in bed for what felt like an entire week feeling horribly sick with nothing to do but look on Pinterest...yeah, you get constant moments of grieving over your babies that were gone too soon. I'm so thankful we have our sweet little Sam. I just wish so badly we also had Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia too.

If only we really did have "3 babies at home" or really...all 4 babies at home...

Our Angels...

While our 3 angels are always on my mind, the constant thought of them has come to the forefront a lot lately. Between different articles being posted, a new movie being produced, my first Face2Face group here in El Paso happening, and a recent video of our little rainbow...I can't stop thinking about them.

There was a recent article posted by the NYT that I have seen floating around a lot lately, so of course, I definitely have to share it with those of you that still follow this blog. It starts out with the question, "Is she your only child?" Talk about a stab to the chest! It's such an easy question, yet so difficult for anyone that has children in Heaven. I struggle with the answer to that question daily -- especially now that Samuel is involved in more activities where I'm meeting other moms on a constant basis, etc. I always appreciate when I find articles like this. Please take the time to read it *here*...

On another note, have you heard about the new movie, Return to Zero? I'm SO, so glad they reached their funding goal! In order to finish production, they had to raise $50,000, and they did it! Based on a true story about a family that delivers their first child still born, it's definitely one of a kind. I look forward to seeing it when it hits the big screen, and I hope even those that haven't experienced such a great loss takes the time to see it too -- so that you can get a glimpse into the world of those that have. It really is amazing how much face time this subject has gotten over the last several years. I feel like after we lost Jacob, I couldn't really find much out there that talked about what we were going through. I remember finding one group online of baby loss moms, but there were only a handful of people there and it wasn't even active. However, by the time we were grieving over the loss of our daughter, Olivia, more and more moms were becoming vocal on a large scale and look where we are now...a major motion picture, NILMDTS, Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, etc. There is SO much out there for those walking this path. I'm thankful for that. You definitely don't feel as alone...

Speaking of Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, I finally hosted my first Face2Face meeting here in El Paso -- or should I say, I had planned to. We finally had enough interest here locally, so I scheduled a coffee date for this past Wednesday. However, I ended up being in the local Children's Hospital ER all evening with my son, so I wasn't even able to attend. Luckily, Samuel is FINE, but they were close to admitting him due to his severe wheezing, so an hour before the coffee date, I had to let the other ladies know that I wouldn't be there. I felt terrible about it, but when I heard back from one of the other moms, it made me smile. She said she felt kind of stupid walking around the coffee shop asking if anyone else was there for Face2Face, but she eventually ran into someone that she enjoyed talking to. While this particular lady wasn't there for the group, she did end up wanting to talk. So this mom was able to share her story with someone about her sweet angel. What a blessing! I can only hope that nothing crazy happens when I plan the next coffee date!

And with that, the last thing I wanted to mention is a bit odd, but I can't help but bring it up. Do any of you believe in orbs? I've seen them in pictures frequently, but never in a video. And honestly, I don't know how much I believe in them as much as some people do, but I couldn't help but think about it the other night when they showed up in a video of my son, Samuel. Perhaps because it was late at night, or the fact that I'll find any reason to find a sign that our 3 are with us...but when I noticed them in the video, I had to watch it several times to make sure I really was seeing those little dots float across the screen. And if I did, what were they? So, of course, Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia were constantly on my mind the rest of the night. I mean, I can't tell you how many times since Samuel was born that he has looked at specific locations (where nothing was there) and it was as if he was having a conversation/laughing/staring/etc. So why not? While I may have you totally convinced that I've jumped off the deep end, I can't help but wonder...

Here's the video of the crazy Sam-man refusing to go to sleep. I was sick and exhausted so he won some movie time while I laid down in his bed...

Joy...

So, with Samuel asleep and James outside smoking a cigar, I decided to take some time and clean out some of my emails/files. While doing so, I ran across a blog post that I apparently started at one point, but never finished or published. It's crazy to look back and read it -- knowing how big our son is now and where we are in our lives now...

Here is the main part of that saved blog post...

"Life is way too short and goes way too fast. All these years of yearning for that which was taken from us. A baby. Now we finally have Sam and he's growing faster than I can handle. This child is already learning how to drink from a sippy cup, independently eat finger foods, pull up and stand while holding on to toys/furniture/our hands, etc. Heck, he took FOUR steps last night while using my hands for balance! Not to mention the fact that he has TWO teeth coming in. Crazy. Before I know it, we will be celebrating his one year and all those baby things I dreamed of for so long will be past. I need to stop thinking and just enjoy every moment. I need to be appreciative of what we have been given and stop being angry about what has been taken. I need to find that release so that I can live in the present. All these years of looking to the future...I need to stop. All of the things that I've spent years looking forward to or wishing away time for have come. Now is the time to stop and just breathe. After all, there's a very good chance Samuel will be our last child, so I can't let a moment pass me by."

It's interesting to see what I was thinking over a year ago compared to how I feel now. Time is definitely FLYING by! There is definitely no hint of Baby Sam anymore. Reading about him taking steps, eating independently, etc. -- it feels like SO long ago! The child is crazy big and surprises me daily with the things he has figured out or is able to do.

I have to say...I feel like I have been able to do more of what I aimed for in that blog post -- living in the present and stop worrying about the future. I also feel like the anger is less severe than it once was. I miss our 3 like ca-razy! But there is more of a smile that comes when thinking about them than before. I knew it was only a matter of time, since that's how it was after losing Jacob, but the grief after losing Olivia was on a whole different level. At the time, it felt like ALL hope was lost after we lost our THIRD child! I'm so thankful that we have Samuel to bring such joy as we continue to heal. The amount of joy he brings to our days is indescribable! I really feel like our move to TX has helped, too. We have really enjoyed our time here. Even though James is away more often with his job, it's still nothing like we've dealt with in the past, which is wonderful! I feel like I can honestly say at this point, life is good. I can't really think of any complaints or reasons to wish away time and rush to getting to the next point in our lives. Enjoying the present...It feels like new territory for us. Even though our days are super busy and time is passing by faster than I'd like it to, it feels like we're in a place where we are completely content and when asked how we're doing, can honestly say "We're doing great!" and mean it. (If that makes sense.) It feels good to be in that place!

Of course, it melts my heart when we're in the living room and Samuel runs to our family picture with Olivia. He will typically stand there and just stare at it for a few minutes then point to Livy and "talk" to her. The afternoon when this picture was taken, I didn't get the camera out in time to grab him "talking" to her, but I did catch his sweet finger pointing at her. Sweet, sweet Samuel. He definitely knows how to help us along on this journey. Such bittersweet moments...but they're definitely becoming more sweet than bitter...

This child brings us so much joy on a daily basis. Seriously...when I wake up to him making his little whimper of a cry and staring at the video monitor (yes, he stares right at the camera with a look of, "I know you're watching me. Now, will you please come get me?!")...it doesn't matter if it's at 3:30am or 8am, it brings such a smile. And yes, we have had several days where Samuel thinks 3:30am is the perfect time to start our day! The sweet boy. I just love him and I'm so thankful he's in our lives!

Look how big he is now! 20 months old. Just 4 months until he turns TWO! When James looked at this picture, the first thing he said was, "Wow, he covers up his name now..." Child, please slow down. It's not a race to see who can grow up the fastest!

After uploading today's pictures, I laughed when I saw that this was captured. He loves diving off of anything available, so why not his chair?

Oh, sweet Samuel. I love that I get to spend everyday with this little man...

Blogging...

How is it that it has been OVER a month since I've been on here? Is anyone even following this anymore? I wouldn't blame you if you stopped. I truly hate that I haven't found the time to get on here much over the last year. I miss blogging. I miss using this as my little free therapy session when I have something on my mind that I need to get out. These days, I feel like I'm on the go from the minute I wake up to the minute I finally fall asleep. (I doubt I'll ever be able to pass out the minute I hit the pillow like a certain someone that I happen share the bed with...) I've become a true lurker. When I have a spare moment, I catch up on blogs through my phone on my Google Reader (yet, never comment), hit up Facebook to see the latest, read emails that I seem to never get back to in a timely manner, then continue to chase the little man around.

I'm loving life with the little wild man, but I definitely need to work on some time management. He rarely naps these days and when he does, I take full advantage of catching up on things around the house -- leaving my computer desk to pile up in paperwork and dust on the keyboard. As I'm sure fellow bloggers do, I catch myself thinking of a topic that I'd like to blog about later on -- when Sam naps, before I go to bed, etc. Then it never happens. And now, like tonight, I'm finally on here and I don't really even know where to go with it aside from the fact that I hate that this place is starting to collect dust bunnies.

The last month brought on a wide variety of emotions. Joy, anger, sadness, anxiety...you name it. Here are a few events that stand out in my mind...

We made it to Olivia's 3rd birthday and honored her on her day. I'd almost like to say we celebrated her big day, but for such a day of sadness, I suppose that description wouldn't exactly fit. Not to mention Olivia's day is now a day of sadness for our nation as a whole after the events that unfolded. Man. What a day! Nonetheless, we went out on a date to one of the nicest restaurants in town and made a cake for our baby girl. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend that day. It was most definitely a day of peace...and a little hint of joy thanks to the Sam-man.

We also reintroduced Samuel to Santa Claus. He LOVES Tim Allen's version, but clearly not the library's -- I think it was a bit traumatic for him...

Then on the 22nd (which happens to be the day we buried Olivia), Samuel enjoyed lunch with his buddy, Finn, who happened to be passing through town. It's always nice seeing sweet Finn and his parents!

Before we knew it, Christmas came and went. It was wonderful though, since we were able to spend it with Sam. The sweet boy enjoyed his presents and brought much joy to our house that day.

After spending Christmas together with our little family, we headed to our hometown for a week with extended family. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when our flight got pushed back a day due to a blizzard! On the bright side, it allowed for Samuel to experience snow for the first time. To say the least, he didn't like it, ha. The poor boy picked it up, looked at it with a curious/weird/investigative look, then flicked it away in near disgust. Sweet Samuel is a little too used to the desert, I suppose...

Oh and how can I forget? This trip happened to mark Samuel's first experience on a plane. Honestly, I was surprised how well he did! He sat on our laps and played on the iPad and/or slept the whole time. It didn't end up being the nightmare that we had imagined. (Thank the LORD!)

To be honest, the trip home is sort of a blur. We spent time with family and friends which was great, but most importantly, we visited our daughter. Seeing Olivia was the main reason we decided to go home! I hate that it only happens once a year, but even so, we were really glad that we were able to spend time with her at her grave. I think the best part of the whole trip was when a dear friend drove in from out of town to see us and asked if she could join us one day at the grave. Oh, Jackie...that meant the world to us! Very few people (outside Olivia's grandparents) have gone to visit Olivia on their own, so for Jackie to ask...I really can't put into words how much that meant to us. 

It's not the greatest picture of us, but here's Sam with his sweet Aunt Jackie and momma after a day in the snowy cemetery...

And some pictures from one of the many visits with Samuel and Olivia...

One of the gifts Jackie left for our baby girl...

Samuel holding another gift left by Aunt Jackie...

Aside from that, I didn't end up taking many pictures while we were home. I know, shocking! Aside from our time with Olivia, the only other time I purposefully got the camera out was to get a picture of all of our nieces and nephews together. To say the least, it was chaos and if we ever do it again, I'm kicking every single one of my sisters and bro-in-laws out of the room. There were way too many people trying to get the kids' attention, so they were all looking in different directions and it was a room full of what sounded like yelling -- everyone trying to talk louder than the person next to them, ha. Ohhhhh, the joys of a large family, ha. :)

And there you have it. Aside from a hellish experience trying to get home (another cancelled flight and a 10 hour - turn 24 hour - drive due to bad weather), it was a good trip. I'm thankful for the fact that we were able to make the trip and see our baby girl. Plus, Samuel was able to spend time with his cousins, which was priceless. 

With that said, it's nice to be home. Now if only I could get caught up to the point of having some spare time to blog...I suppose that will be my goal for February. Oh, that and getting the Christmas decor taken down, ha. That's right, it still looks like a house waiting to celebrate Christmas around here! While I was glad to get home, El Paso gave me a nice warm welcome with a bad case of the flu which really put us behind in just about everything. In fact, I was just finally unpacking our luggage earlier today -- pathetic, really. One day, I'll be caught up and have free time to sit and really talk, not just give a vague description of what we've been up to. I feel like that's what this blog is these days and to an extent, I'm alright with that since I like looking back and seeing what we were up to at different points in the year, but there are also so many things I'd like to address...I suppose those will have to wait...

And with that, I'm off to bed. While this is a bit late, I hope everyone had a WONDERFUL Christmas and may this year be the best yet!!!

Thinking about Livy...

Well, we're here. That awful week that I have begun dreading as each year passes. The week in which marks when our daughter, Olivia, passed away. Unlike with Jacob and Jordan, there isn't just one specific date that marks the pain of her loss. Rather, there are three -- the day we found out her heart had stopped (Dec. 10), the day she was born and in our arms (Dec. 14), and the day we finally said goodbye and buried her (Dec. 22). When December 10th rolled around, I wasn't sure how either of us would handle it. Time helps ease the pain and the joy of having Samuel helps tremendously...but still. I dreaded that day, but once it arrived, it was fine. Sure, Olivia was on my mind every second of the day, but I was able to think about her with more of a smile than in years past.

In fact, early that morning, I happened to need our ancient laptop (that hasn't been used in months) and the first thing to pop up as it turned on was a picture of Olivia. It kind of stopped me in my tracks. I froze and just stared at her. While we have things that remind us of her all over the house, I haven't just sat and stared at her beautiful face in awhile. So there I sat...unable to move from that picture. Then sweet Sam came up and climbed up into my lap and stared with me. All I could do was smile. It was a very bittersweet feeling, but it just made me so thankful. I commented to Samuel, "Isn't your sister pretty?" and he pointed and did his sweet noise that he makes when he's excited. In the odd life that we live, it was a priceless moment. The hug that followed could have lasted all day had Sam let me.

So here we are, a couple days until her birthday. We like to make a monetary donation to Molly Bears on her birthday each year, and this year I decided to add a package of inserts to that donation. I've sent one package earlier this year full of inserts that some friends and I had worked on, so this gave me a good reason to get busy sewing so they could have more. For those unfamiliar with Molly Bears, they make teddy bears that weigh what your sweet angel weighed. In the process of making them, they fill little fabric inserts (round fabric sewn together for the belly and head and rectangular fabric sewn together for the arms and legs) with sand to help create the perfect weight. They're always in need of these inserts, as they run on donations only and this saves them both time and money in the process. Anyways. It looks like I'll be able to send out enough for 36 bears -- I suppose that's one for every month she has been gone, right? Since we can't buy her gifts, at least we can do little things in her honor...

Here is a picture taken the day we received our Olivia Bear in the mail back in 2010. I can't tell you how powerful it was to hold that bear for the first time...

And, of course, when I ran across that picture, I found this. Apparently James felt that Olivia needed my eye pillow at some point while resting. :)

Anyways...

Aside from the Molly Bears project, I plan on making Olivia a cake for her day. What that will look like, I still don't know. I know it will be her colors -- green, brown, and white -- but I suppose the design will play out as it's made.

Oh, baby girl. We miss you so much! I wish so badly we were planning your 3rd birthday party with your little friends rather than the little things that we're doing in your honor...

October 15th...

As those in the baby loss community are very familiar with...October 15th is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's a day to honor and remember those lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. As I'm sure it is for others as well, this day means a lot to me. I mean, I think about my three angels every second of every day, but on this day (and others like it -- Day of Hope, etc.), I feel like we are able to remind society that this is real and it happens and that we should honor and remember them -- as we ask that they join us in doing so. I feel like over the years, days like this have become more talked about. People are more aware as each year passes. It has become more accepted, and I'm glad for that. In fact, this year in particular, I've noticed a few people come out and talk about their losses that never did before. I'm glad that we have days like this...

And even better? Several of my family members participated in the Wave of Light with me. There are times when I feel like our three sort of get forgotten or excluded from things by some (definitely not all!) of our family, but I was reminded that such thinking is absolute nonsense. It means the world to us when people go out of their way to mention any one of our 3 angels, and to get texts of pictures and comments about how they're thinking about them...I can't describe how much we appreciate it...

In honor of...

Jacob Tyler Moore

Jordan Skye Moore

and

Olivia Hayden Moore

Three candles for three angels...

Grandma Julie's candle...

Oma Carmen's candle at Olivia's grave...

And Aunt Rachelle's candles for our 3 -- I love that many of our nephews and niece joined in!

Lastly, if you're reading this, Carmen, we loved the video! When you said, "It's 7 o'clock somewhere..." it brought a good laugh. Love it. Thank you for taking the time to send it to us!

Thank you to everyone that took the time to light a candle or simply tell a momma that you're thinking about their angel on the 15th. On this day (or any day for that matter), it never goes unnoticed or unappreciated. In fact, I guarantee it made their day knowing someone was thinking about them!

Dragonflies And Potty Training...

This is random, but that seems to be the ongoing theme lately on this blog...

As some of you may know, the dragonfly and butterfly tend to hold special meaning to those in the baby loss community. Whenever we run across one, it brings a smile and immediately makes me think of Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia. With that being said, a few nights ago, James went to kill what he thought was one of those massive mosquitoes that got in the house and wouldn't leave. Lo and behold, it wasn't a mosquito, but a dragonfly! So instead of killing it, he caught it and brought it to where Samuel and I were to show me before taking it back outside. While that may be random and not mean much to most of you, it warmed our hearts. It's the little things, right? Kind of like while at the dentist yesterday, I noticed they had three dragonflies hanging between the two flat screen TVs in the lobby. It was a perfect start to my trip to the dentist, as just the thought of the dentist gives me anxiety, but instead, I had a smile.

On another note, our little boy did something yesterday that I wasn't exactly ready for. He ran to me with a diaper and told me (in Sam-man language) that he needed changed -- reaching up to me with it and motioning like a wild man. Sure enough, he was right. I don't know when I was expecting that to start happening, but I'm not ready for it yet! Please slow down, Samuel...please! With each new day, it seems like he's trying to grow up that much more. And there I sit loving every second of it, yet missing the "baby" days like crazy. It all goes by WAY too fast.

He'll always be "Baby Sam" in my book, but he's definitely not looking like it anymore...

(WrestleMania at the Moore house!)

A Day Full Of Emotion...

Today was a great day. It was also a very sad day. While my sweet sister was welcoming her new daughter, Mackenzie Grace, into the world, a dear friend was grieving the loss of her sweet angel on what would have been her due date. Add in there the standard emotions that come with having our three in Heaven...

Oh, and the biased love for the name Mackenzie since that would have been Jacob's name had he been a girl... (ps. I'm glad you picked it, Deb!)

Yeah, it was a day full of emotion...

I'm just so incredibly thankful that while I have emotional days like today -- celebrating and grieving all at once -- I can do so with this handsome little man in my arms...

Hello?

Is anyone still following this blog? I feel like it's been years since I've been on here! Life only seems to be getting busier, not slowing down. In return, my days of blogging have come to a screeching halt. There are many times that I think of something to blog, but I'm already in bed and too tired to get back up. Ahhh, such is life.

It seems like I could tell you a new story about Samuel daily, let alone bombard you with crazy amounts of pictures of the little man every time I turn around. He's growing up way too fast, and according to his 15 month well visit, he's in the 80% in height, but only the 45% in weight. My skinny little guy! I love him so much, and really...I could just stare at him while he sleeps every night...in awe that he's here. I really don't think that feeling is ever going to leave -- the realization that we have a healthy, happy child here in the home! Really?!?! Such nonsense may sound crazy to you, but that shocking feeling seems to hit me almost daily. Thankful can't even begin to describe it.

A dear friend recently endured her second loss (in 8 months) and it has brought on many feelings about our three that have kind of hidden in the background for awhile now. While I hurt for her and her angels, I can't help but then think about Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia along with her two. I hate that baby loss is so common -- more common than people think. I hate that I've seen so much of it (personally) that it almost feels normal. I hate that as I watch friends and family near the end of their pregnancy, I can't help but think, "You're not there yet, things can still happen." It's terrible, yet I can't shake it. Will I ever? Most likely not.

This blog is kind of all over the place. I'm really enjoying life in El Paso, which is something I never thought I would say. That is...before we moved here. So many people told me horribly negative comments about this town, and yet we've totally enjoyed ourselves! We still miss things that other large cities have to offer that they're lacking here, but it's been a great experience thus far.

Samuel and I seem to stay pretty busy during the week, and while he gets to be around other kids quite often, he has severe separation anxiety. The child care workers at our church (that are also there for my Bible study) know him well, yet they had to page us before the sermon even started this morning because of how much he was crying. The poor guy! He sure loves his momma! He won't even let go of me during the first half of story time at the library, for fear that I'm going to leave him there -- at least that's my assumption by the way he handles it.

To continue on this random post, I think I mentioned how Samuel said goodbye to his crib and is now on a twin mattress. The kid is trying to grow up faster than I can handle! He's doing so much better with the whole sleeping thing now that he has his big boy bed. He still would rather dance the night away than go to bed when other children his age go to bed, but oh well. He's a night owl like his momma -- what can I say? So there are nights where putting him to bed can take several hours, then other nights where he passes out before 8pm. It's always an adventure with the Sam-man. His new bunkbed should arrive in about a week -- here's hoping the transition goes well!!!

So now that I've pretty much covered a variety of topics, I can't go before posting a few pictures...

We had a fabulous time in San Antonio over Jake's weekend (His Angelversary is Sept. 4th, so we've always considered Labor Day weekend a time to remember him). How has it been NINE years since we said goodbye to our first born son?!?! I'm thankful that this is the second Angelversary for Jacob that we were able to honor and remember him with his little brother, Samuel, by our side...

Because the new format for Blogger is not as friendly with the way I add pictures, I'm just going to save time and add a slideshow...

Sooooo...here's a slideshow of pictures from our trip...

And before I go, here's a set of pictures that I took earlier tonight of the big 15 month old...my 2T wearing, 13 teeth biting, crazy, nonstop little boy...

10 Years...

As of August 9th, James and I have been married 10 years...10 crazy years. It's hard not to look back and think of all that we've been through during that time. Getting a crazy puppy named Obadiah -- a dog that has been there with me through EVERYTHING. Moving away to Germany for 3 years to start what now looks like a career in the Army. Excitedly starting our family, only to then say goodbye to our first son, Jacob, as we prepared for our 1st deployment. Visiting various countries and exploring countless cities while living overseas. Losing what we thought would be our rainbow (Jordan) almost as soon as we found out we were pregnant -- all the while trying to adjust to our new home in WA as we prepared for our 2nd deployment. Getting out of the Army and finally finishing my degree in psychology, while also buying a house in our hometown. Almost immediately turning around and getting back into the Army, resulting in the attempt at selling a house in a terrible market. Preparing for our 3rd deployment when we were surprised by the insanely exciting news of our pregnancy with our daughter. Later experiencing the horror of losing Olivia while James was away in Afghanistan. Trying to cope with the crazy grief that is what life's like when you have 3 angels in Heaven and nothing more. Moving to GA in hopes of a fresh start and break from deployments. Immediately being shocked by the news of our 4th pregnancy, bringing a whole new level of anxiety and fear yet incredible hope. Enjoying the fact that because of the move to GA and job in TRADOC, James had finally been home more than he'd been away in our whole marriage. Getting further into photography and actually making it more than a hobby. Experiencing the indescribable feeling of joy when I heard our son, Samuel, cry for the first time. Finally getting to live life with a child here on Earth -- in our arms! And now living in TX and enjoying life with the little man that is ever changing as each day goes by...

All the deployments. All the field problems and other various months away thanks to the Army. All the road trips and various vacations. The good times. The sad times. The incredibly tragic times. James has been there by my side through it all. I am so thankful for the relationship that I have with him -- one that will never break or fall apart. One that only gets stronger through each experience that we face together. I love that man and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it!

So with that being said...

James got a 4-day pass and we decided to get out of town with the boy. Due to the heat, we sent Obadiah on his own vacation at a local doggie daycare -- otherwise he would have joined in on the fun, too! As usual, the only hotel we booked in advance was for Obadiah. We just packed some clothes and a cooler of water, got our atlas, and drove. That's our preferred method of travel when doing road trips. If we see something interesting along the way, we stop and check it out. That happened to be the case this time around with Tombstone, AZ. We hadn't even thought to go there, but when we saw the exit for it, we thought what the heck, why not?

I suppose I should also mention that with our anniversary on the 9th, we continued a little tradition of ours. On our wedding night, after all the festivities had ended, we were starving and decided to order pizza. For whatever reason, we have continued that each year. We still like to go out for a nice dinner out, but on our actual wedding anniversary, we always continue our cheesy little tradition. This year was no different. On our way out of town, we stopped at our favorite place in Las Cruces, NM and enjoyed some NY style before continuing on. Good times.

So with our traditional dinner knocked out, we headed west. Samuel thought it was AWESOME being able to run around the hotel room and explore every nook and cranny. He even did his crazy dance in excitement.

(like this...)

The next day, we checked out Tombstone, AZ, had In-n-Out in Tucson, AZ (a first for Samuel!), and agreed that we have to come back to Phoenix at some point after having a quick stop and seeing all that they have to offer -- I mean, come on...they have an Ikea among other things! Ha. We continued on towards Sedona, AZ, but ended up making an unexpected stop at the Montezuma Castle National Monument first. It's so fascinating to see such historical marks! After we learned a little more about that area, we arrived in Sedona, which was BEAUTIFUL! (Thank you to those that recommended us stopping there!!!) After taking a little hike through one of the state parks within the Sedona area and letting Sam run around, we ended our night in Flagstaff, AZ. Considering the fact that the only place I've visited in AZ before now was the airport, I never realized all that it has to offer. Flagstaff reminded us somewhat of a mix between the PNW and the town we went to college in. We loved it!

With that under our belt, we headed on to the Grand Canyon the next day and spent the morning there. Since I still haven't gotten around to taking Samuel's 1 Year pictures, it also turned into a mini photo session for the boy. Talk about a beautiful background! We really lucked out, too, as the rain didn't hit until after we were heading out...

Since we couldn't just stop there, we headed on north towards the Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument. However, before getting there, we checked out Bryce Canyon. As we were walking up to the first scenic view, James said, "Is it bad that I almost think this is more beautiful than the Grand Canyon?" Ha. I couldn't help but agree with him. Talk about indescribable beauty! We probably spent more time there than anywhere else. We loved it!

The Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument didn't end up providing as much entertainment as expected since we didn't bring the truck. Apparently, you can only get to most of the points of interest by a dirt/sand road that is impassable when wet. So considering the fact that we didn't have our truck and the storm clouds kept coming and going, we didn't want to risk it. We tried at first, but ended up facing a flooded road, so we turned around. The last place I want to get stranded is in the middle of nowhere! It was still beautiful and provided a connection to the next best thing -- Capital Reef National Park.

I feel like a broken record talking about the beauty behind all of these national parks. Utah should just be deemed as one massive national park -- that's pretty much all you do is hop from one to the next! We thoroughly enjoyed each park, and I'm so glad we decided to hike to Hickman Bridge while at Capital Reef. Minus being a genius and hiking in sandals that lack any kind of grip at all (resulting in a cut up knee and toe after slipping on a smooth rock), it was a great experience to get up there with Sam. James refused to use the Ergo so as to avoid a scene that bordered looking like abuse since Sam flips out if he's confined in any way shape or form, so he had the pleasure of carrying him all the way up there. We got such a kick out of watching Sam enjoy the ride, as he laughed and talked all the way there -- as if to say, "This is fun guys! Let's go further!" Then on the way back down, he slowed down and eventually fell asleep on James' shoulder -- it's hard work being carried! The sweet boy.

I wish we would've had more days to explore, as we would've gone even further north into more national parks...such is life. We'll just have to go back! We had a wonderful trip and created many great memories with the little man. I'm so glad we were able to go there as a family. While Samuel won't remember any of it, he definitely enjoyed himself in the moment!

I posted pictures to my Facebook page here, but if you're not on FB, here are a few...

Sam's favorite part about being in a hotel -- the phone. He kept picking it up and saying, "Ah?! Ah?! Ah?!"

Loved Sedona!

Sweet Sam while in a park in Sedona...

Appreciating the view at the Grand Canyon...



And the freedom after being in the car! Running in any direction we'll let him...



This might substitute as Samuel's 1 Year picture. It was crazy bright and sunny, but it's the closest we'll probably get to a posed picture for awhile ...



Loved the view...



Samuel counting the states that he's been to...



The happy couple...



Bryce Canyon...





Sweet boy...



By far, the best part of the trip!



On our way back after trying to get to one of the arches in Great Staircase Escalante National Monument...



Love it...



Samuel enjoying a break...



I sure wish that boy would be willing to keep his hat and sunglasses on for longer than 30 seconds...



Some of the many cows that blocked the road throughout the trip...



A family picture...



Father and son while in Capital Reef National Park...



Loved the hike to Hickman Bridge...

Enjoying being the only ones in the area...

Another family picture...

Enjoying the view and the new toy...



It just doesn't get any better -- the view, the peaceful silence, time with family...



Love these boys!



What an amazingly memorable trip with my boys. I'm so thankful that I have them. I'm thankful that after 10 crazy years, James and I get to celebrate together vs. over the phone like in the past thanks to the Army. Now on to the 11th year and many more experiences to come -- hopefully more happy than sad. The last year was full of so much joy -- I hope it stays that way for awhile! Heck, we're in a non-deployable unit, so we've got a few things going in our favor right now...

Anyways...here's to 10 years of marriage and many more to come!!!