Thinking about Livy...

Well, we're here. That awful week that I have begun dreading as each year passes. The week in which marks when our daughter, Olivia, passed away. Unlike with Jacob and Jordan, there isn't just one specific date that marks the pain of her loss. Rather, there are three -- the day we found out her heart had stopped (Dec. 10), the day she was born and in our arms (Dec. 14), and the day we finally said goodbye and buried her (Dec. 22). When December 10th rolled around, I wasn't sure how either of us would handle it. Time helps ease the pain and the joy of having Samuel helps tremendously...but still. I dreaded that day, but once it arrived, it was fine. Sure, Olivia was on my mind every second of the day, but I was able to think about her with more of a smile than in years past.

In fact, early that morning, I happened to need our ancient laptop (that hasn't been used in months) and the first thing to pop up as it turned on was a picture of Olivia. It kind of stopped me in my tracks. I froze and just stared at her. While we have things that remind us of her all over the house, I haven't just sat and stared at her beautiful face in awhile. So there I sat...unable to move from that picture. Then sweet Sam came up and climbed up into my lap and stared with me. All I could do was smile. It was a very bittersweet feeling, but it just made me so thankful. I commented to Samuel, "Isn't your sister pretty?" and he pointed and did his sweet noise that he makes when he's excited. In the odd life that we live, it was a priceless moment. The hug that followed could have lasted all day had Sam let me.

So here we are, a couple days until her birthday. We like to make a monetary donation to Molly Bears on her birthday each year, and this year I decided to add a package of inserts to that donation. I've sent one package earlier this year full of inserts that some friends and I had worked on, so this gave me a good reason to get busy sewing so they could have more. For those unfamiliar with Molly Bears, they make teddy bears that weigh what your sweet angel weighed. In the process of making them, they fill little fabric inserts (round fabric sewn together for the belly and head and rectangular fabric sewn together for the arms and legs) with sand to help create the perfect weight. They're always in need of these inserts, as they run on donations only and this saves them both time and money in the process. Anyways. It looks like I'll be able to send out enough for 36 bears -- I suppose that's one for every month she has been gone, right? Since we can't buy her gifts, at least we can do little things in her honor...

Here is a picture taken the day we received our Olivia Bear in the mail back in 2010. I can't tell you how powerful it was to hold that bear for the first time...

And, of course, when I ran across that picture, I found this. Apparently James felt that Olivia needed my eye pillow at some point while resting. :)

Anyways...

Aside from the Molly Bears project, I plan on making Olivia a cake for her day. What that will look like, I still don't know. I know it will be her colors -- green, brown, and white -- but I suppose the design will play out as it's made.

Oh, baby girl. We miss you so much! I wish so badly we were planning your 3rd birthday party with your little friends rather than the little things that we're doing in your honor...