The Last Eight Months...

I've often wanted to try and get on here, but it just never seems to happen. And now here we are...eight months later and just now blogging. I can't believe the last time I was on here was after Samuel's 2nd birthday in June. Sad, really.

I can honestly say, things have been going amazingly well. After Samuel turned 2, we took some leave and took him out to Disneyland, Los Angeles and the surrounding beaches, and finally San Diego. Oh, how wonderful it was to be able to go back there! We haven't been to San Diego since before our time in the Army, but it felt like we were going back home. James was ready to quit his job and stay, ha. We were able to do our typical family portraits with the tripod while out at La Jolla, too. Good times.

A Wonderful Visit With The Grandparents...

I'm very thankful for the fact that even though we live far away from family due to James' job, we're still able to have constant visits with them. For a little over a week, my parents were here and a certain little boy was in HEAVEN. As I'm sure I've mentioned in the past, Samuel and my dad are BFFs. In fact, during this trip, Samuel would run to the guest bedroom yelling, "Da-DAAA, Da-DAAA, Da-DAAA" as he called out for Grandpa Grant. The boy doesn't talk much at all, but he sure loves his Grandpa!

We had a great visit. We hit up the space museum in Alamogordo, NM, as well as White Sands National Monument. Why it took us this long to get up there is beyond me, but I'm glad we finally saw it! The rest of our time together was spent doing projects -- like cutting/sewing Molly Bears inserts and the Pinterest project that I blogged about yesterday -- and spoiling the little man rotten with attention. It was sweet...even my dad got involved in helping with the MB inserts during Samuel's afternoon nap.

As I'm sure it comes as no surprise, we broke out the good camera to get a ton of pictures of Samuel with his grandparents. Here are a few from our time at White Sands, NM. Sadly, they were all taken at the first stop where it's not nearly as beautiful/breath-taking as it is if you continue further into the area. However, by that time, Sam was done and we didn't bother getting the camera out...

Grandpa, slow down! I'm coming!

I couldn't resist...

The sweet boy and his dad...

Love these two. They're so cute!

Samuel always refuses to wear his sunglasses. However, after a little while, he decided he was finally willing to try on his daddy's...

He still wasn't so sure about the idea of covering his eyes, ha...

Total success! Now if only he'd be willing to wear his own on a normal basis. :)

And, of course, a little family shot. That boy is getting SO big!

Fast forward to the day my parents left, my mom asked if I could take a few quick pictures of the three of them one last time. Samuel wasn't exactly in the picture taking mode, so a few of them turned out rather amusing. People frequently tell me how much he communicates through his eyes (instead of talking) -- you can definitely see it in some of the pics, ha. In fact, I was told that again during the speech therapy meeting earlier today. Sweet Sam...you have no issue telling us how you feel with those eye brows...

Looking a little concerned about what Grandma Julie is about to do to him, hahaha.

I've got Grandpa Grant, Grandma Julie, and my (LeapFrog) cell phone -- what more do I need?

Oh, those eyebrows...

Love seeing how much these two adore him...

It's always sad to see them go. Luckily, there's talk about another visit in June when Samuel turns 2. It can't come soon enough for this boy!

Thinking about Livy...

Well, we're here. That awful week that I have begun dreading as each year passes. The week in which marks when our daughter, Olivia, passed away. Unlike with Jacob and Jordan, there isn't just one specific date that marks the pain of her loss. Rather, there are three -- the day we found out her heart had stopped (Dec. 10), the day she was born and in our arms (Dec. 14), and the day we finally said goodbye and buried her (Dec. 22). When December 10th rolled around, I wasn't sure how either of us would handle it. Time helps ease the pain and the joy of having Samuel helps tremendously...but still. I dreaded that day, but once it arrived, it was fine. Sure, Olivia was on my mind every second of the day, but I was able to think about her with more of a smile than in years past.

In fact, early that morning, I happened to need our ancient laptop (that hasn't been used in months) and the first thing to pop up as it turned on was a picture of Olivia. It kind of stopped me in my tracks. I froze and just stared at her. While we have things that remind us of her all over the house, I haven't just sat and stared at her beautiful face in awhile. So there I sat...unable to move from that picture. Then sweet Sam came up and climbed up into my lap and stared with me. All I could do was smile. It was a very bittersweet feeling, but it just made me so thankful. I commented to Samuel, "Isn't your sister pretty?" and he pointed and did his sweet noise that he makes when he's excited. In the odd life that we live, it was a priceless moment. The hug that followed could have lasted all day had Sam let me.

So here we are, a couple days until her birthday. We like to make a monetary donation to Molly Bears on her birthday each year, and this year I decided to add a package of inserts to that donation. I've sent one package earlier this year full of inserts that some friends and I had worked on, so this gave me a good reason to get busy sewing so they could have more. For those unfamiliar with Molly Bears, they make teddy bears that weigh what your sweet angel weighed. In the process of making them, they fill little fabric inserts (round fabric sewn together for the belly and head and rectangular fabric sewn together for the arms and legs) with sand to help create the perfect weight. They're always in need of these inserts, as they run on donations only and this saves them both time and money in the process. Anyways. It looks like I'll be able to send out enough for 36 bears -- I suppose that's one for every month she has been gone, right? Since we can't buy her gifts, at least we can do little things in her honor...

Here is a picture taken the day we received our Olivia Bear in the mail back in 2010. I can't tell you how powerful it was to hold that bear for the first time...

And, of course, when I ran across that picture, I found this. Apparently James felt that Olivia needed my eye pillow at some point while resting. :)

Anyways...

Aside from the Molly Bears project, I plan on making Olivia a cake for her day. What that will look like, I still don't know. I know it will be her colors -- green, brown, and white -- but I suppose the design will play out as it's made.

Oh, baby girl. We miss you so much! I wish so badly we were planning your 3rd birthday party with your little friends rather than the little things that we're doing in your honor...

Slow Down!

So this little boy of mine is trying to grow up WAY too fast. At 14 months, he is officially out of the crib and on a twin mattress now -- way, WAY earlier than I had anticipated making the switch. It seems like in every way possible, he takes the fast route in trying to grow up just that much faster. Learn to walk? How about we learn to run instead?! Learn to float in the pool? Nah, let's start kicking and doing it on my own without you touching me. It's fun to watch him figure something new out each day and explore the things around him, but as I continue to pack up all the "baby" items, it's becoming a bit emotional for yours truly. All those years of yearning for that healthy little baby -- the one that just wants to be held and cuddled, can't quite sit up yet and smiles when you do something goofy, etc...and now before we could even blink, we have a crazy non-stop toddler running amok in this house. I absolutely LOVE it, but I already miss the days of sweet little baby Sam. It comes and goes all too quickly. I must admit, it has brought on a little baby fever -- never mind the fact that I'm absolutely terrified at the thought of another pregnancy and I'm pretty sure Samuel is the last baby in the Moore household, but still! There are nights where I want to sneak in Sam's room while he's asleep and just hold him since that's the only time he sits still, ha.

Anyways. So after a week of crazy nights where Sam pretty much refused to sleep in his crib, but rather scream all night instead, I finally decided to break out the twin mattress. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I thought it was worth a try. He has always hated the crib, but it's been even worse lately. Much to my surprise, the second I laid the mattress down -- even before putting a sheet on it -- he ran to it and basically hugged it! It was love at first sight. Every night since, he has slept SO well. AND, for the first time EVER, he has slept on his *own* bed for a nap without a fight. I'm still slightly in shock that a twin mattress without prison bars (because let's face it, that's probably what a crib feels like to a kid!) is all it took. Even this afternoon while on the floor playing with his toys, he stopped and went over and just laid down on his bed and decided it was time for a nap. I felt like I needed to pick my jaw up off the ground. I think a whole new world of peaceful sleep is upon us. And while it's super exciting, it leaves me slightly sad. The crib is gone. The tiny sheets are gone. The aquarium that attaches to the crib bars and plays white noise is no longer needed. The room looks like a little boy's room now. Where did my baby go? Oh, that's right...he's trying to grow up before my very eyes.

While on the phone with my sister yesterday, she asked if all of this makes me want to cry. While she received a sarcastic laugh in response, she proceeded to tell me that she was serious in her question, as just thinking about it made her sad, too. It definitely brings out the emotions. Little baby Sam is not so little anymore...

Here he is after patiently -- or not so patiently -- waiting for me to put a sheet on the mattress...

And here is the little boy's room...goodbye crib, it's been a good run, but Samuel is ready to move on...

(ignore the Aladdin sheets from my childhood -- Sam's are in the washer)

The kid loves the new layout of his room -- I see many forts and tents being built with dad in the future. Here they are in the "boys only" zone. Sam thought that was AWESOME!

With rearranging the room, I made his books/toys a little more accessible for him by rotating the bookshelf. Clearly, I better watch what I put on the top since he can easily reach it! I currently have Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia's bears up there...I might have to reconsider that...

For now, we're going to keep the mattress on the floor while he gets completely adjusted, but it won't be long before we start shopping for a bunk bed set -- I have a feeling that will bring even more emotions. The sweet boy. Everyday brings something new and exciting and continually reminds me how fast he is growing up!

Oh, did I mention he knows how to open his door, will dive off any child gate, and the lever door knob locks won't fit our door handles? A new challenge awaits -- how to keep Sam in his room at night...

That being said, just thinking about it all brings such a smile. I may be sentimental and emotional about Samuel growing so fast, but I'm so so thankful we get to hit each of these milestones. I LOVE every second of it!!!

And now it's time to go sneak a kiss while that little man is sleeping peacefully in his bed before heading to bed myself...

Thankful And Slightly Relieved...

Something happened tonight that made me appreciate even more the quality friendships that I have gained through the years. There are times when you have friendships that are either draining/toxic or just not real/true. But then you have those genuine, quality, AMAZING friendships that make life such an absolute joy. I am so thankful for those. Those are the ones that survive trials and still come out ahead. The rest just aren't worth it.

I can honestly say I'm going to go to bed with quite a bit of peace tonight after one of those toxic relationships came to an end. It's somewhat sad, but we'll all be better off in the end...

So I suppose the question is why am I even bringing this up? I just want to remind you to cherish the good things in life and focus on that which gives you joy. Leave behind the things that bring you down, hurt you, anger you, etc. It's not worth it. Life will be so much better off without it.

This week, I was able to do something that brought incredible joy to my heart -- sewing inserts together for Molly Bears. This organization holds a very special place in my heart and when they asked if anyone would like to volunteer to help with this, I jumped on it. Then when I realized what I was getting myself into (30 bears a month -- 210 inserts), I asked if anyone would like to join me in this endeavor. Several had interest, but the night chosen just didn't end up working out. (Totally fine!) In the end, it was my friend, Karen, her friend, Lauren, and I that worked on cutting out fabric in the shape of the inserts that weigh down the amazing bears. Karen is a fellow baby loss mama and while Lauren is not, she jumped at the chance to help. Don't you just love friends that have such sincere compassion that while they haven't experienced what you have, they are right there ready to listen, hold your hand and be ready to help out when/where they can? Love it. We ended up having a wonderful time working on this project together -- lots of laughs, lots of genuine conversation, and lots of heart put into making these inserts. I'm thankful for friends like that...

Two girls hard at work...

Yours truly...

When we finally called it a night -- 94 inserts cut, 10 inserts sewn and ready for shipment.

I'm definitely looking forward to the next night that we work on this. Not only is it time spent with good friends, but also time spent honoring our sweet angels. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think about them and what better way to honor them than to help other angel moms get a little closer to filling those empty arms?

And before I go, I just have to say that while many things bring me joy, there is nothing in this world that brings me greater joy than the two in this picture...

8 Years...

It was 8 years ago today that we last held our first son, Jacob Tyler. I must say, the day ended up being harder than I had anticipated. In fact, it was a bit harder than in recent years past -- not sure why. I had hoped that having Samuel here with us would ease that a bit, but I think it had a different effect. It ended up making me think of how things would have been had Sam's older brother been here with him. Gotta love the craziness of all of this!

We had a very low-key kind of day. In fact, we didn't even leave the house. I had planned on doing a little balloon release in Jake's honor, but it ended up raining so I scrapped that idea. We just soaked up our time with sweet Sam and remembered his big bro and talked about what this day meant. Before bed, I did go ahead and grab a few pictures of Samuel with our Jacob Bear (from Molly Bears). I love that we have that sweet bear...a bear that weighs the same as what Jake weighed. It's crazy to see how big Sam has gotten and how huge he looks next to our Jake Bear...

Sweet Sam...he will always know of his older siblings. While we may be more subtle in our ways of remembering them as time passes, they will forever be remembered and in our hearts...

We love you, Jacob Tyler!!!!

More About Molly Bears...

During my last post, I mentioned our bears from Molly Bears...

For those of you unfamiliar with this amazing organization, please check out the link above! After losing a baby, you go home with empty arms -- but in some small way, this organization helps fill those arms. We had received our Olivia bear months ago (weighing exactly what Livy weighed at birth -- 5 lbs 10 oz), but we just recently received our Jacob and Jordan bears the weekend before Samuel's birth. It wasn't until recently that they started offering "micro" bears for those baby loss mamas that had babies that weighed less than 2 lbs. When I saw that, I immediately requested a bear for each of our first two angels. While we lost Jordan at 7 weeks gestation, we still chose to request a bear (with the lightest weight possible) so that Samuel would have some association with that sibling once he's older. Then with the Jacob bear, we were able to actually get his weight exactly (400g). I must say...the moment we got our Jacob and Jordan bears in the mail, it brought me back to 8 years ago when we first said goodbye to Jake. Holding that bear is as close as we'll ever get to holding our son again. It may sound weird to some, but it helps ease the pain in some small way to those of us missing our angels.

If you ever feel compelled to do so, please check out their website and send a donation their way! They don't ask for anything from a baby loss family. They feel that these families have been through enough already. So they rely on donations alone to keep this wonderful program running. I can't thank them enough for the wonderful gifts we've received. I hope that they are able to continue this program for years to come, so that many more families will be able to fill their arms with something that resembles their sweet angel...

Samuel with our three bears...

A Mixture Of Emotions...

I'm a day late in posting this, but yesterday happened to mark two things...Samuel was officially one week old and it also happened to be Olivia's 18 month Angelversary. It's crazy to think how things would be had Liv not passed away. I know you can't think like that, but it's hard not to. So in the midst of celebrating every moment we have with our new little man, we also remember Olivia and how long it's been since we said goodbye.

On a brighter note, while cleaning out my purse, I ran across a quote from a fortune cookie during our last trip to the Chinese restaurant. I typically toss those things aside, but I remember liking what this one had to say so I kept it. The message said, "You will be showered with good luck before your next birthday." With leaning on hope for so many months, I couldn't help but keep it for the time being. Well, now here we are...with a healthy baby boy...I don't hold any stock in those fortune cookies, but I'd like to think that this fortune came true!

Speaking of that little man...the past week has flown by. How has he already been here for a week?!?! We finally started setting up Samuel's room over the last day, but it's not done yet. We've pretty much spent our time loving on him more than anything -- ignoring our to-do list. In fact, Obadiah even gave him his first kiss yesterday! The poor pup is coming around slowly. It seems as though he has come to accept the fact that this little guy isn't packing his bags anytime soon, so he may as well be welcomed into the family -- with a kiss.

With that being said, below is another massive set of pictures from the past week...

Because we could pretty much stare at him sleeping all day long...

Oh the joys of burping -- such a hard life for the little man...

The ultrasound tells no lies. Even in the womb, he was a thumb-sucker...

We keep forgetting to break out the tripod, but rather...we keep taking turns with getting pictures of each of us with Sam...

Since he was in a milk coma, I decided to try and take a few pictures of him on his blanket...

By this point, he was DONE...

Mid-yawn...

Poor Sam is getting used to being in front of the camera at an early age -- we went a bit nuts yesterday with taking pictures...

Our little monster...

Replicating a picture I have of my dad doing this with me as a baby...

While hanging out in Samuel's room...

I suppose if Sam takes after his dad, he'll never wear a shirt while at home -- I'm not even sure James knew I was taking this one...

Can't forget about the basset! He may be short, but he participated, too...

One week old, still not interested in the chair...

With it being Olivia's 18 month Angelversary, we decided to take a picture of Sam with our Olivia, Jacob, and Jordan Bears (Made by Molly Bears -- an organization that makes bears that weigh what your angels weighed at birth)...

Speaking of Olivia and her little brother, this picture was taken by my mother-in-law while visiting Liv's grave...

Now that I've posted a ridiculous amount of pictures (again), I'm off to feed Sam and head to bed. On to week two in this adventure...