Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day...

October 15th has and always will be a special day to our family. It's a day to recognize and remember all babies gone too soon. At 7pm worldwide, everyone (who chooses to participate) is asked to light a candle to create a wave of light. I love that as Samuel gets older, he eagerly wants to participate and help with it. Tonight, he asked if he could light the candles (with my assistance) and as we did so, we talked about what they represented. We always light 3 -- one for each of our angels. It's such a little act, but has so much meaning…

Return To Zero...

For those of you that know our story, you know that before having Samuel, we experienced the loss of our first 3 sweet babies - Jacob, Jordan and Olivia. There is no greater loss than that of a child. In hopes of bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, those of us in this unfortunate baby loss community are making a pledge to see an upcoming movie about such a heart-wrenching topic. 

Oh, So You Have 3 Babies At Home?

I hate that response. Hate it. I can't blame anyone in the medical field that gives it, but I still hate it. I mean, it should only be fair to assume that when given the amount of times I've been in the hospital -- and each time resulting in the delivery of a baby -- that yes, I would have 3 babies at home. However, in this family, that means nothing...

While at a doctor's appointment yesterday, I had to give the typical history to the nurse upon being seen. It's normal -- happens every time. Of course, depending on the questions they ask (and how detailed they want to get), it can get quite interesting. The first thing he asked was how many times I've spent any amount of time in a hospital. I said 3 -- all pregnancy-related. He quickly smiled and said, "Oh! So you have three babies at home!" I had to cut him off and say, "Not exactly." It's always fun going down this road, as I try to sum up our not-so-short history and they write it all down. As I briefly told him how we had 2 stillbirths/1 living, he paused, gave me a blank stare, and continued on. Heck, I didn't even bother going into detail on our miscarriage since that didn't require a hospital stay. It's always such a hassle having to explain it all...

So I got to the point of finally seeing my doc -- in hopes of finding out why I was horribly sick for 4 days and possibly get antibiotics -- and one of the first things she said was, "So I see you have 3 babies at home! How fun!!!" With a big huge smile. What? So the nurse decided to ask for the dates of each delivery (among other details), yet failed to write down anything beyond that? So I get to repeat myself all over again to the doc?! Thanks, bud. I'm sure if I saw my doc more than once a year, maybe this wouldn't sound odd and maybe she'd know me a little better. However, I've only seen this doc once before since moving here - we're still basically in that new-patient stage. So good times were had by all, as I got to retell our story briefly. Mind you, I wasn't expecting any of this to even come up in conversation -- after all, I was there for a totally unrelated reason...

I don't know why this bothered me more this time around than in the past, but it did. I suppose it has something to do with being in a general funk of missing our angels lately. Anything can trigger it, but the past week has been filled with new births, new pregnancy announcements and worst of all...new announcements of sweet little angels that were taken too soon. That's the worst. When you get a text or email, finding out yet another mom has joined the unfortunate ranks. You mix all of that with being stuck in bed for what felt like an entire week feeling horribly sick with nothing to do but look on Pinterest...yeah, you get constant moments of grieving over your babies that were gone too soon. I'm so thankful we have our sweet little Sam. I just wish so badly we also had Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia too.

If only we really did have "3 babies at home" or really...all 4 babies at home...

Our Angels...

While our 3 angels are always on my mind, the constant thought of them has come to the forefront a lot lately. Between different articles being posted, a new movie being produced, my first Face2Face group here in El Paso happening, and a recent video of our little rainbow...I can't stop thinking about them.

There was a recent article posted by the NYT that I have seen floating around a lot lately, so of course, I definitely have to share it with those of you that still follow this blog. It starts out with the question, "Is she your only child?" Talk about a stab to the chest! It's such an easy question, yet so difficult for anyone that has children in Heaven. I struggle with the answer to that question daily -- especially now that Samuel is involved in more activities where I'm meeting other moms on a constant basis, etc. I always appreciate when I find articles like this. Please take the time to read it *here*...

On another note, have you heard about the new movie, Return to Zero? I'm SO, so glad they reached their funding goal! In order to finish production, they had to raise $50,000, and they did it! Based on a true story about a family that delivers their first child still born, it's definitely one of a kind. I look forward to seeing it when it hits the big screen, and I hope even those that haven't experienced such a great loss takes the time to see it too -- so that you can get a glimpse into the world of those that have. It really is amazing how much face time this subject has gotten over the last several years. I feel like after we lost Jacob, I couldn't really find much out there that talked about what we were going through. I remember finding one group online of baby loss moms, but there were only a handful of people there and it wasn't even active. However, by the time we were grieving over the loss of our daughter, Olivia, more and more moms were becoming vocal on a large scale and look where we are now...a major motion picture, NILMDTS, Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, etc. There is SO much out there for those walking this path. I'm thankful for that. You definitely don't feel as alone...

Speaking of Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, I finally hosted my first Face2Face meeting here in El Paso -- or should I say, I had planned to. We finally had enough interest here locally, so I scheduled a coffee date for this past Wednesday. However, I ended up being in the local Children's Hospital ER all evening with my son, so I wasn't even able to attend. Luckily, Samuel is FINE, but they were close to admitting him due to his severe wheezing, so an hour before the coffee date, I had to let the other ladies know that I wouldn't be there. I felt terrible about it, but when I heard back from one of the other moms, it made me smile. She said she felt kind of stupid walking around the coffee shop asking if anyone else was there for Face2Face, but she eventually ran into someone that she enjoyed talking to. While this particular lady wasn't there for the group, she did end up wanting to talk. So this mom was able to share her story with someone about her sweet angel. What a blessing! I can only hope that nothing crazy happens when I plan the next coffee date!

And with that, the last thing I wanted to mention is a bit odd, but I can't help but bring it up. Do any of you believe in orbs? I've seen them in pictures frequently, but never in a video. And honestly, I don't know how much I believe in them as much as some people do, but I couldn't help but think about it the other night when they showed up in a video of my son, Samuel. Perhaps because it was late at night, or the fact that I'll find any reason to find a sign that our 3 are with us...but when I noticed them in the video, I had to watch it several times to make sure I really was seeing those little dots float across the screen. And if I did, what were they? So, of course, Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia were constantly on my mind the rest of the night. I mean, I can't tell you how many times since Samuel was born that he has looked at specific locations (where nothing was there) and it was as if he was having a conversation/laughing/staring/etc. So why not? While I may have you totally convinced that I've jumped off the deep end, I can't help but wonder...

Here's the video of the crazy Sam-man refusing to go to sleep. I was sick and exhausted so he won some movie time while I laid down in his bed...

October 15th...

As those in the baby loss community are very familiar with...October 15th is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's a day to honor and remember those lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. As I'm sure it is for others as well, this day means a lot to me. I mean, I think about my three angels every second of every day, but on this day (and others like it -- Day of Hope, etc.), I feel like we are able to remind society that this is real and it happens and that we should honor and remember them -- as we ask that they join us in doing so. I feel like over the years, days like this have become more talked about. People are more aware as each year passes. It has become more accepted, and I'm glad for that. In fact, this year in particular, I've noticed a few people come out and talk about their losses that never did before. I'm glad that we have days like this...

And even better? Several of my family members participated in the Wave of Light with me. There are times when I feel like our three sort of get forgotten or excluded from things by some (definitely not all!) of our family, but I was reminded that such thinking is absolute nonsense. It means the world to us when people go out of their way to mention any one of our 3 angels, and to get texts of pictures and comments about how they're thinking about them...I can't describe how much we appreciate it...

In honor of...

Jacob Tyler Moore

Jordan Skye Moore

and

Olivia Hayden Moore

Three candles for three angels...

Grandma Julie's candle...

Oma Carmen's candle at Olivia's grave...

And Aunt Rachelle's candles for our 3 -- I love that many of our nephews and niece joined in!

Lastly, if you're reading this, Carmen, we loved the video! When you said, "It's 7 o'clock somewhere..." it brought a good laugh. Love it. Thank you for taking the time to send it to us!

Thank you to everyone that took the time to light a candle or simply tell a momma that you're thinking about their angel on the 15th. On this day (or any day for that matter), it never goes unnoticed or unappreciated. In fact, I guarantee it made their day knowing someone was thinking about them!

A Day Full Of Emotion...

Today was a great day. It was also a very sad day. While my sweet sister was welcoming her new daughter, Mackenzie Grace, into the world, a dear friend was grieving the loss of her sweet angel on what would have been her due date. Add in there the standard emotions that come with having our three in Heaven...

Oh, and the biased love for the name Mackenzie since that would have been Jacob's name had he been a girl... (ps. I'm glad you picked it, Deb!)

Yeah, it was a day full of emotion...

I'm just so incredibly thankful that while I have emotional days like today -- celebrating and grieving all at once -- I can do so with this handsome little man in my arms...

Hello?

Is anyone still following this blog? I feel like it's been years since I've been on here! Life only seems to be getting busier, not slowing down. In return, my days of blogging have come to a screeching halt. There are many times that I think of something to blog, but I'm already in bed and too tired to get back up. Ahhh, such is life.

It seems like I could tell you a new story about Samuel daily, let alone bombard you with crazy amounts of pictures of the little man every time I turn around. He's growing up way too fast, and according to his 15 month well visit, he's in the 80% in height, but only the 45% in weight. My skinny little guy! I love him so much, and really...I could just stare at him while he sleeps every night...in awe that he's here. I really don't think that feeling is ever going to leave -- the realization that we have a healthy, happy child here in the home! Really?!?! Such nonsense may sound crazy to you, but that shocking feeling seems to hit me almost daily. Thankful can't even begin to describe it.

A dear friend recently endured her second loss (in 8 months) and it has brought on many feelings about our three that have kind of hidden in the background for awhile now. While I hurt for her and her angels, I can't help but then think about Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia along with her two. I hate that baby loss is so common -- more common than people think. I hate that I've seen so much of it (personally) that it almost feels normal. I hate that as I watch friends and family near the end of their pregnancy, I can't help but think, "You're not there yet, things can still happen." It's terrible, yet I can't shake it. Will I ever? Most likely not.

This blog is kind of all over the place. I'm really enjoying life in El Paso, which is something I never thought I would say. That is...before we moved here. So many people told me horribly negative comments about this town, and yet we've totally enjoyed ourselves! We still miss things that other large cities have to offer that they're lacking here, but it's been a great experience thus far.

Samuel and I seem to stay pretty busy during the week, and while he gets to be around other kids quite often, he has severe separation anxiety. The child care workers at our church (that are also there for my Bible study) know him well, yet they had to page us before the sermon even started this morning because of how much he was crying. The poor guy! He sure loves his momma! He won't even let go of me during the first half of story time at the library, for fear that I'm going to leave him there -- at least that's my assumption by the way he handles it.

To continue on this random post, I think I mentioned how Samuel said goodbye to his crib and is now on a twin mattress. The kid is trying to grow up faster than I can handle! He's doing so much better with the whole sleeping thing now that he has his big boy bed. He still would rather dance the night away than go to bed when other children his age go to bed, but oh well. He's a night owl like his momma -- what can I say? So there are nights where putting him to bed can take several hours, then other nights where he passes out before 8pm. It's always an adventure with the Sam-man. His new bunkbed should arrive in about a week -- here's hoping the transition goes well!!!

So now that I've pretty much covered a variety of topics, I can't go before posting a few pictures...

We had a fabulous time in San Antonio over Jake's weekend (His Angelversary is Sept. 4th, so we've always considered Labor Day weekend a time to remember him). How has it been NINE years since we said goodbye to our first born son?!?! I'm thankful that this is the second Angelversary for Jacob that we were able to honor and remember him with his little brother, Samuel, by our side...

Because the new format for Blogger is not as friendly with the way I add pictures, I'm just going to save time and add a slideshow...

Sooooo...here's a slideshow of pictures from our trip...

And before I go, here's a set of pictures that I took earlier tonight of the big 15 month old...my 2T wearing, 13 teeth biting, crazy, nonstop little boy...

10 Years...

As of August 9th, James and I have been married 10 years...10 crazy years. It's hard not to look back and think of all that we've been through during that time. Getting a crazy puppy named Obadiah -- a dog that has been there with me through EVERYTHING. Moving away to Germany for 3 years to start what now looks like a career in the Army. Excitedly starting our family, only to then say goodbye to our first son, Jacob, as we prepared for our 1st deployment. Visiting various countries and exploring countless cities while living overseas. Losing what we thought would be our rainbow (Jordan) almost as soon as we found out we were pregnant -- all the while trying to adjust to our new home in WA as we prepared for our 2nd deployment. Getting out of the Army and finally finishing my degree in psychology, while also buying a house in our hometown. Almost immediately turning around and getting back into the Army, resulting in the attempt at selling a house in a terrible market. Preparing for our 3rd deployment when we were surprised by the insanely exciting news of our pregnancy with our daughter. Later experiencing the horror of losing Olivia while James was away in Afghanistan. Trying to cope with the crazy grief that is what life's like when you have 3 angels in Heaven and nothing more. Moving to GA in hopes of a fresh start and break from deployments. Immediately being shocked by the news of our 4th pregnancy, bringing a whole new level of anxiety and fear yet incredible hope. Enjoying the fact that because of the move to GA and job in TRADOC, James had finally been home more than he'd been away in our whole marriage. Getting further into photography and actually making it more than a hobby. Experiencing the indescribable feeling of joy when I heard our son, Samuel, cry for the first time. Finally getting to live life with a child here on Earth -- in our arms! And now living in TX and enjoying life with the little man that is ever changing as each day goes by...

All the deployments. All the field problems and other various months away thanks to the Army. All the road trips and various vacations. The good times. The sad times. The incredibly tragic times. James has been there by my side through it all. I am so thankful for the relationship that I have with him -- one that will never break or fall apart. One that only gets stronger through each experience that we face together. I love that man and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it!

So with that being said...

James got a 4-day pass and we decided to get out of town with the boy. Due to the heat, we sent Obadiah on his own vacation at a local doggie daycare -- otherwise he would have joined in on the fun, too! As usual, the only hotel we booked in advance was for Obadiah. We just packed some clothes and a cooler of water, got our atlas, and drove. That's our preferred method of travel when doing road trips. If we see something interesting along the way, we stop and check it out. That happened to be the case this time around with Tombstone, AZ. We hadn't even thought to go there, but when we saw the exit for it, we thought what the heck, why not?

I suppose I should also mention that with our anniversary on the 9th, we continued a little tradition of ours. On our wedding night, after all the festivities had ended, we were starving and decided to order pizza. For whatever reason, we have continued that each year. We still like to go out for a nice dinner out, but on our actual wedding anniversary, we always continue our cheesy little tradition. This year was no different. On our way out of town, we stopped at our favorite place in Las Cruces, NM and enjoyed some NY style before continuing on. Good times.

So with our traditional dinner knocked out, we headed west. Samuel thought it was AWESOME being able to run around the hotel room and explore every nook and cranny. He even did his crazy dance in excitement.

(like this...)

The next day, we checked out Tombstone, AZ, had In-n-Out in Tucson, AZ (a first for Samuel!), and agreed that we have to come back to Phoenix at some point after having a quick stop and seeing all that they have to offer -- I mean, come on...they have an Ikea among other things! Ha. We continued on towards Sedona, AZ, but ended up making an unexpected stop at the Montezuma Castle National Monument first. It's so fascinating to see such historical marks! After we learned a little more about that area, we arrived in Sedona, which was BEAUTIFUL! (Thank you to those that recommended us stopping there!!!) After taking a little hike through one of the state parks within the Sedona area and letting Sam run around, we ended our night in Flagstaff, AZ. Considering the fact that the only place I've visited in AZ before now was the airport, I never realized all that it has to offer. Flagstaff reminded us somewhat of a mix between the PNW and the town we went to college in. We loved it!

With that under our belt, we headed on to the Grand Canyon the next day and spent the morning there. Since I still haven't gotten around to taking Samuel's 1 Year pictures, it also turned into a mini photo session for the boy. Talk about a beautiful background! We really lucked out, too, as the rain didn't hit until after we were heading out...

Since we couldn't just stop there, we headed on north towards the Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument. However, before getting there, we checked out Bryce Canyon. As we were walking up to the first scenic view, James said, "Is it bad that I almost think this is more beautiful than the Grand Canyon?" Ha. I couldn't help but agree with him. Talk about indescribable beauty! We probably spent more time there than anywhere else. We loved it!

The Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument didn't end up providing as much entertainment as expected since we didn't bring the truck. Apparently, you can only get to most of the points of interest by a dirt/sand road that is impassable when wet. So considering the fact that we didn't have our truck and the storm clouds kept coming and going, we didn't want to risk it. We tried at first, but ended up facing a flooded road, so we turned around. The last place I want to get stranded is in the middle of nowhere! It was still beautiful and provided a connection to the next best thing -- Capital Reef National Park.

I feel like a broken record talking about the beauty behind all of these national parks. Utah should just be deemed as one massive national park -- that's pretty much all you do is hop from one to the next! We thoroughly enjoyed each park, and I'm so glad we decided to hike to Hickman Bridge while at Capital Reef. Minus being a genius and hiking in sandals that lack any kind of grip at all (resulting in a cut up knee and toe after slipping on a smooth rock), it was a great experience to get up there with Sam. James refused to use the Ergo so as to avoid a scene that bordered looking like abuse since Sam flips out if he's confined in any way shape or form, so he had the pleasure of carrying him all the way up there. We got such a kick out of watching Sam enjoy the ride, as he laughed and talked all the way there -- as if to say, "This is fun guys! Let's go further!" Then on the way back down, he slowed down and eventually fell asleep on James' shoulder -- it's hard work being carried! The sweet boy.

I wish we would've had more days to explore, as we would've gone even further north into more national parks...such is life. We'll just have to go back! We had a wonderful trip and created many great memories with the little man. I'm so glad we were able to go there as a family. While Samuel won't remember any of it, he definitely enjoyed himself in the moment!

I posted pictures to my Facebook page here, but if you're not on FB, here are a few...

Sam's favorite part about being in a hotel -- the phone. He kept picking it up and saying, "Ah?! Ah?! Ah?!"

Loved Sedona!

Sweet Sam while in a park in Sedona...

Appreciating the view at the Grand Canyon...



And the freedom after being in the car! Running in any direction we'll let him...



This might substitute as Samuel's 1 Year picture. It was crazy bright and sunny, but it's the closest we'll probably get to a posed picture for awhile ...



Loved the view...



Samuel counting the states that he's been to...



The happy couple...



Bryce Canyon...





Sweet boy...



By far, the best part of the trip!



On our way back after trying to get to one of the arches in Great Staircase Escalante National Monument...



Love it...



Samuel enjoying a break...



I sure wish that boy would be willing to keep his hat and sunglasses on for longer than 30 seconds...



Some of the many cows that blocked the road throughout the trip...



A family picture...



Father and son while in Capital Reef National Park...



Loved the hike to Hickman Bridge...

Enjoying being the only ones in the area...

Another family picture...

Enjoying the view and the new toy...



It just doesn't get any better -- the view, the peaceful silence, time with family...



Love these boys!



What an amazingly memorable trip with my boys. I'm so thankful that I have them. I'm thankful that after 10 crazy years, James and I get to celebrate together vs. over the phone like in the past thanks to the Army. Now on to the 11th year and many more experiences to come -- hopefully more happy than sad. The last year was full of so much joy -- I hope it stays that way for awhile! Heck, we're in a non-deployable unit, so we've got a few things going in our favor right now...

Anyways...here's to 10 years of marriage and many more to come!!!

A Deeper Shade Of Grace...

If you haven't read this book, you must find it at your local library (or buy it!) and read it! What a powerful book -- or at least I thought so! I'm glad that I finally took the time to finish it. You see, my mom had given me this book just a few months after Olivia passed away in hopes that it would bring me a little comfort. The problem is that I'm not much of a reader. In fact, it's almost guaranteed that I will fall asleep two paragraphs in. But even with that being said, a few months after receiving the book, I did give it a shot. I knew it was a story of loss -- a lot of loss -- but also a story of hope. So while waiting for numerous doctor appointments with the fertility specialists in hopes of finding even the tiniest answer as to why we've lost so many children, I decided to crack open the book. Unfortunately, just as with any book, I only got to the 3rd chapter before being distracted with other things in life and never went back to it. That was...until tonight. While trying to get Sam to sleep in his crib (a current constant battle), I figured I would just read this aloud. Boy am I glad I finally gave it another shot! Once I got into it, I couldn't put it down and now here I am at 2am with a finished book.

I think there's more to it as to why I actually finished the book now vs. back when I tried the first time. I'm in such a different place now. I can actually accept a story of hope. Back then, I couldn't. Back then, I refused to see any glimmer of hope, as I felt there was none. So to read a book about hope...well, it just infuriated me all that much more. I would have rather wallow in my anger/grief than consider the idea of a possibly joyful outcome down the road. I mean, who knew we'd have Samuel with us now?! For a long while, I refused to believe that day would ever come. So to sit there reading this book in the waiting room of a fertility clinic, while hearing healthy heartbeats coming from the ultrasounds in the other rooms...I gave it a shot, but I didn't get very far. Now...well, it was very different. I still cried throughout the book, as I felt her pain, but I could do so with a sleeping little boy right beside me. Oh, what a difference it makes!

So with giving it another shot, I couldn't get over all of the similarities between their story and ours. Sure, no two stories are the same, but as I read her words, it felt so close to home. The pain. The numerous losses -- including multiple stillbirths. The nightmares that followed. The job which took away her spouse during such times of grief. The testing of her faith in God. The anger. The shallow words said by those close to her -- in the attempt of comforting her, only to come out more hurtful than anything else. The struggles in her marriage resulting from such great loss. The comparison to Job -- a comment made by our pastor upon finding out Olivia had passed away. Etc, etc. There was so much that I could relate to. It really just left me speechless.

Between A Deeper Shade of Grace and An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, I wish everyone would take the time to read them. It opens your eyes to a world that few unfortunately experience. I so appreciate women like the two behind these books that opened up their heart so that others could find comfort in knowing they're not alone.

October 15th...

So, while there's plenty that I could talk about, I must mention what October 15th means to those of us with little angels in Heaven...

For those of you that are unaware...In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The 15th of October is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day -- recognized worldwide. This is the day when we (angel moms and dads) ask that you light a candle at 7pm to join in the worldwide Wave of Light. For those of us that have experienced such a horrific loss (or losses in our case), this day is a very special one. It's a day to honor our sweet babies that were taken way, way too soon. A day when those of us in these particular shoes can come together and recognize them. When this day comes each year, I can't help but think of this quote...

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is..." Neugeboren 1976

So for those of us locally that will forever live with this great loss, my husband and I decided to host a balloon release on the 15th. We did it through our local Face2Face group and ended up having a great turnout (and absolutely perfect weather!). There were some of us that are veterans, while others that are incredibly fresh in their painful loss. When we got there, we each wrote a little note to our angels, tied it to our balloon(s), and then briefly shared our story. It was so bittersweet. There were a few rainbow babies there -- reminding us all that there is hope. Yet, I know had we done this last year, I probably would've refused to see that hope. Either way, it was heartbreaking hearing some of the stories that were being told for the first time -- new moms and dads going through this, trying their best to stay strong while fighting through the tears. So many loved babies that are no longer with us, but are forever loved...

As the balloons were released...

There were two that just weren't ready to go...

Considering that this was the first time that we were able to go through this day with a hint of hope, I must say...it was much easier. It's still painful. We will forever miss our 3 -- Jake, Jordan, and Livy -- but holding Sam in our arms definitely helps. I'm so glad that little man is here with us, happy and healthy!!!

On another note, but most certainly related to October 15th, the hospital in which we delivered Samuel at hosted a wonderful ceremony earlier this evening in honor of those lost. They titled it, "A Loss Not Forgotten: A Service of Remembrance and Hope." It was a beautiful ceremony, honoring our sweet babies. James, Samuel and I attended it with two other families (and their rainbows). As part of the ceremony, they offered different colored roses for each type of loss. So, of course, there we were picking up our three roses. It was a silent, yet powerful way of representing what each of us had been through. We listened as a rabbi spoke (we really appreciated what he had to say!), and then for each type of loss that we had been through, we put a rose in the vase and picked up a yellow rose to keep -- a symbol of hope. In all of our years of going through such pain, we've never attended a ceremony like what we went to tonight. I'm glad that we went and who knows...maybe we will again next year...

Here is a picture of our hope...

Right Where I Am...

I've continually seen friends do this blog topic over the last few months and being that our angels have constantly been on my mind lately (I suppose they always are!), I figured I'd follow suit. Typically, you're supposed to follow the title with the amount of time that has passed since you lost your angel. Well, considering there are three different dates for us, I wasn't going to bother...

So as I lay here with Sam sleeping on my chest, I continue to think about our angels that never got to come home with us. With our upcoming trip to Indy, I've constantly thought about Jake and Livy, specifically. We've been looking forward to this trip for awhile. It was originally going to happen over Labor Day weekend -- the same weekend that marks the 8th Angelversary of our first son, Jacob Tyler. Because of that, we were looking forward to having a family member watch Samuel for a couple hours while we go out to dinner at Morton's in honor of our first son. We always try to do something to honor him on his day and last year consisted of dinner at Morton's among other things, so we thought we would do that again. However, our trip has been pushed up by a few weeks -- immediately making me think of the change in plans for Jake's day. Sure, we'll still go out and celebrate, but it will be a little early...

I suppose all of that may sound minor, but since we can't celebrate with Jake, his Angelversary prompts a lot of thoughts as it nears each year. We will forever long to hold that little guy again and miss him with each day that passes. He's always on our minds and the moment I hear of a little guy with his name, he's the first person that I think of. Not to mention the fact that when I look at Sam, I think of Jake and wonder if he would've acted the same way, given the same looks, etc. After all, he was Samuel's big bro and took after his dad with his physical characteristics -- much like Sam. When I look at the calender, I still can't believe that on September 4th, it will mark 8 years since we said goodbye to our little Jacob Tyler. How can it be? How has time crept by that quickly? And to think of all that has happened since then, yet that period of time will forever feel like it was just yesterday.

Then there's Jordan. Since we lost Jordan almost as soon as we found out we were having him/her, we lack much of a connection other than that intense love that you feel the moment you find out you're pregnant. We still wish that we would've had more time with our second baby and wish that we could've gotten to know him/her like we did Jake and Liv. Just yesterday, I saw someone mention April 21st and it immediately made me think of what happened on that day back in 2006. It just goes to show you that even when you lose a child so soon, you will never forget, nor will you ever "get over" the loss of that child.

With continuing on, I think about Olivia even more. She was with us the longest of our three angels and her passing was the most recent. The grief is still so fresh with our daughter. I suppose it has been 19 months now since she passed away, but it feels like just yesterday that we last held her. Since bringing Samuel home, we constantly find ourselves talking about Olivia...how Samuel reminds us of her in little ways -- like the wavy hair that Sam has right after a bath...much like his sister's hair -- and how we wish so badly that while one of us was holding Sam, the other was holding Liv. It's hard not to have all of those thoughts. It's hard not to look at her picture and think about how it would be if she and Sam were both here together. When playing with Sam, James has said on multiple occasions how even though Livy was my clone and Sam looks more like James, he still sees a lot of her in him and that there's no denying that they were siblings.

Along with honoring Jacob's day while we're in Indy, we also fully intend on taking Samuel to Livy's grave. While he's still too young to understand much of what we tell him about his siblings, we will show him where his sister lays and tell him all about her. Heck, I'm sure we will probably visit Olivia daily, much like we did on our last visit to Indy.

This grief business sucks. We're more at peace with Jacob and Jordan's passing than we are with Liv's. I know we will find more peace with time -- at least I hope so! -- but we still have a long way to go. After creating a birth announcement for Samuel, I couldn't help but want to send one to Livy's doctor, Dr. Herman, and write some venomous comment on the back about how had he done his job, maybe Sam's older sister would be here. I know that's not right and I clearly won't do it, but it sure was a temptation at first thought. I suppose that comes with having no answers and not feeling like our medical care was as good with Liv as it was with Sam. I've said it over and over (maybe not on here, but in person) how grateful I am for the amazing medical staff that I had during my pregnancy with Sam. Between our awesome OB, our perinatologist, and my wonderful nurse that I saw on a weekly basis...I can't thank them enough. They did their best at calming my nerves, making sure Sam was healthy and thriving, and got that little guy out of there early like we wanted. I sometimes wonder if we would even have Sam in our arms had it not been for them.

So with the joy that we feel on a daily basis with Samuel in our arms, there is also still grief that surrounds us. I sometimes wonder if people that have come to my blog since Sam's birth even see that, as I have talked more about him than our other babies...but know that it's still a constant battle. I have said it before, but there is a whole new type of grief that comes with a rainbow baby. With each new stage and exciting moment, you're reminded of what you missed out on with your angels. With each new smile that Sam gives us, I think of Liv and wonder what her sweet smiles would've looked like. With each cry (we're blessed, as there aren't many), I wonder if his brother would've sounded that way or would he have been louder/feistier/etc? The pain doesn't stop with this new exciting life, but it's different. Instead of just being sad, you feel like an emotional mess -- as sadness is mixed with joy all at the same time.

I know that we will always remember and honor our first three babies, just as we will soak up every second that we have with Samuel. The pain is definitely easier to bear while having our healthy little man in our arms, but it's clearly not gone -- nor will it ever be. Heck, how's this for depressing? (I know it depressed my sister, Deb, when I told her.) Because we have lived with so much grief over the last 8 years, I can't help but think sometimes when shopping for Sam or when thinking about things that we will get to do with him in the future...I hope he gets to wear those larger clothes one day or I hope he gets to do those things when he grows older. How is it that even though he's here with us now, I still can't shake the if's/hope's? He's here. He's with us. Yet, I still think with that mentality. I know things can always happen. They always say that the stress and worry doesn't end when they're born...that now you'll worry about SIDS, accidents that can happen, etc. Sure, that will always be there for ANY parent -- baby loss or not -- but I feel that maybe because of our history, it's a stronger feeling that looms over me. I hope that I can shake that mindset one day, but for now, it still sneaks in every once in awhile. I guess it's just part of this crazy journey that we have been on for so long. I suppose that with it comes the fact that we will always appreciate EVERY little moment that we have with Sam -- which is a good thing. We sure love that little man and thank God on a daily basis that we have him!

So with all of that...I suppose it just goes to show you that while things may get a little easier, it's always some kind of struggle -- there will always be that hunt for the right balance of emotions. It's all worth it though, and I'm glad that we didn't give up after Olivia's passing. We wanted to call it a day at times -- many times -- and attempt finding acceptance in the fact that we would never have living children, but I'm glad we didn't. Several people have said that this appears to be one of the best years of our lives -- a healthy baby, a promotion for James, etc. They're right. From June 2010 to June 2011, I would definitely say it had to be one of the best years of our lives. James got home from a hellish deployment, we spent an amazing week up in Alaska during the perfect getaway after such a stressful year, we had many memorable road trips around the PNW and across the country, we got a fresh start with our move to GA, we had our healthy little man, and ended it with a promotion for James. I really don't think there's one complaint about how the last year has gone...it's just the grief and loss leading up to it that's hard.

Right where I am...Loving life with our little family, while finding a balance in our grief while remembering our angels that were gone too soon. In the midst of all of this, pictures like this bring a massive smile...

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself...

A fellow BLM posted this on her blog and I had to steal it. This quote is such a good reminder for those that want to know how we're feeling as Baby Loss Momma's...

"When you lose a child, your life doesn't just change. You're shattered on the inside, blown to bits, your heart broken. It takes a long time to come back together again. I'm not looking for your pity. It's better for me to talk than to keep everything all inside. I don't want you to think I'm selfish, but can't you see how much I'm hurting? Sometimes I take out my baby's things...smell them, caress them, hug and kiss them and rock them until the tears stop falling. Please don't turn a blind eye to me. If you think it’s too painful for you, multiply that by infinity and you might have a vague idea of how much pain I am in. I did not ask for this to happen. I do ask for your love and support. If you can't think of anything to say, then just listen to me. Let me borrow your shoulder. Surely you are stronger than I am, and you can help me by simply being there."

---Unknown Author

Face2Face...

For anyone that happens to live near Columbus, GA or the Ft. Benning area in general, we will now have a Face2Face Group of our very own! Thanks to those at Faces of Loss, there will soon be groups in several cities across our country for those that have involuntarily joined this sisterhood of BLMs.

For anyone that happens to see this and lives in this area, we would love for you to join us! So far, the meeting times and locations have not been determined, but once they are, we will put it on the Facebook page.

It's amazing to see the support out there for those of us in this situation, as more and more speak out. Hopefully there can be strong friendships built through these groups!

October 15th...

With today being the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, we made sure to light a few candles in remembrance of our three angels...

Along with the candles that we lit, we received pictures from others who lit candles in remembrance of our sweet babies -- there was even a balloon release done in Jacob, Jordan and Olivia's honor. I can't tell you how much I appreciate each acknowledgement that our 3 receive! Thank you!

Marriage...

How has the death of your child affected your marriage/relationship?

I was recently asked this question and it got me thinking…How has it changed? People always tell me, “Man, after going through what you guys have been through, I know that you two can survive anything!” That’s encouraging, but how much can you really take before it becomes TOO much? Since I’ve pretty much been open thus far with my blog, I figured why should I stop now? Here goes…

From the start, James and I both wanted a family. We got married knowing that we were going to try and build our family while we were still very young (early 20s). There was so much excitement and hope. We didn’t have a care in the world, and nothing else mattered. We weren’t concerned with having a huge income – what we had was sufficient. All we wanted was a happy marriage and a child or two to go along with it. Life was great, and the idea of trying for a baby was all that we talked about. Once we got to our first duty station, we immediately tried for that child, and got the great news 2 months later! This was it! Sure, there were critics out there who thought we were too young and clearly not up for the challenge, but we didn’t let that get to us. We knew what we wanted, and we knew we were ready. Unfortunately, tragedy struck, and life took a turn from the path we thought we were going to be on. All our hopes and dreams were shattered, but at least we had each other!

This is where that question about our marriage after loss begins…

After Jake’s death, we definitely grew closer. We leaned on each other, as we grieved the loss of our son. No one else could comprehend how we felt – the emptiness, the sadness, the devastation. We both knew that we could count on each other for comfort, even though we grieved in totally different ways. He never expected anything out of me on the days that I couldn’t function, and I understood when he had days of just wanting to be alone. It just worked. We made it work.

As time went by, we talked more and more about what we wanted for the future – another child. We knew that timing was not right, so we were going to enjoy life until it was. We took that time to travel Europe and create the honeymoon that we never had. It was a great year with lots of enjoyable memories – mixed with sadness and thoughts of how it would be if Jake would’ve been there. There was hope. There was excitement for things to come.

Once the time was right, we agreed that we were both ready to try for that rainbow baby – the healthy child after a loss. We were so full of excitement and love, but still a little hesitant. But even with that hesitation, deep down, we felt like this was the right thing to do, at the right time. Just like with Jake, we got pregnant after two months. I was on cloud nine, but James was much more apprehensive. He was excited, but terrified at the same time. He even went as far as to say that he wasn’t going to get his hopes up. He was going to believe it was real when we had a crying baby in the delivery room. That was hard to hear, but I understood that we needed to deal with this in our own way. While I refused to let our history affect the happiness and hope that this new pregnancy brought, James went into it with much more caution.

Unfortunately, James’ reaction to the new pregnancy was probably a smart one. A week after we got the awesome news, we miscarried that second child (which we named, Jordan Skye). The devastation was back. The horror was being repeated, but in a totally different way. We received shocking comments lacking serious compassion and empathy. We were in a different place, but yet not. How could this have happened? Once again, we leaned on each other. Once again, I was swallowed up by the depths of despair, and James was there to comfort me – at least for the week before his deployment. I was there to show him love, while he grieved in his own way – all the while, preparing for a second tour in Iraq. We needed each other more than ever. Not only did we lose our second child, but we were about to embark on another long separation. How could we get through it, if not on the same page? We held strong, and held out hope for the future once again. We told ourselves that once he returned from Iraq, we would try for that *second* rainbow baby, and that God was surely going to bless us.

Fast forward two years, after many trials, arguments, days of sadness due to missing our two babies, and changes in our lives (ETSing from the Army, moving to our hometown, finishing my degree, rejoining the Army, etc.), we decided that the time was right and we were going to try again. We still agreed on what we wanted out of life. A family was of top priority and everything else could wait. Unfortunately, God had other plans. Month after month passed (adding up to over a year!) and we continually received a BFN. What were we going to do now? All I could think about was that family that we both wanted and yearned for it.

After months of stress and frustration, we sought out a specialist. I mean, maybe I couldn’t get pregnant. Maybe something happened as a result of the miscarriage and the poor care that I received at the Army hospital that caused something to go wrong to where there was no chance of a third pregnancy. Maybe James was exposed to something downrange that would prevent us from getting pregnant. We didn’t know what to think, but we weren’t going to wait for several more years, only to be in the same place we were then. I don’t know if it really brought comfort or not, but after both being tested, we were told that there was absolutely nothing wrong with us. We were relieved to hear it, but somewhat frustrated, as we didn’t understand why we weren’t getting pregnant. We never blamed each other for our infertility issues, but that didn’t mean our stress didn’t get the best of us at times. Luckily, we were still ultimately reliant on each other in our darkest moments, so we always drew closer during those times. Sure, there were arguments and questions that would arise, but we couldn’t imagine going through this alone. We needed each other. No one else could even grasp what we were feeling. Only the two of us knew how the other felt, and knew how to comfort each other. Ultimately, there was no question as to whether or not our marriage would fail because of this. We refused, and wouldn’t allow it.

Since we still weren’t getting pregnant and had no answers, but desperately wanted that family, we decided that maybe adoption was the direction we should take. After talking it through and praying about it, we went ahead and contacted a few adoption agencies -- as well as the state foster-to-adopt program. We figured that maybe this was where God wanted us to be. We were slowly getting excited about the idea and imagining where our lives would be if we took this path. We went as far as to meet with the WA state social worker who deals with the foster program and filled out paperwork. I was getting excited. Even though James was soon going to deploy again , I could at least prepare for the home study and finish up the process. It was becoming real that maybe we would soon be able to bring a child into our home and have that family that we always dreamed of…even if it wasn’t going to happen in exactly the way in which we thought it would.

Well, much to our surprise, after going through all of that, we shockingly received a BFP! What the heck?! After all of the stress, the worry, the prayers, etc…we were pregnant again! Neither of us could believe it. We were so excited. Unlike with our short pregnancy with Jordan, James didn’t have any hesitation this time around. We felt like God had answered our prayers, and we were going to soak up every moment that we had with this new child. With preparing for a tour in Afghanistan, we agreed that we were going to do as much as we could to involve James before he left. We started the baby registries early, even though we knew that was risky. I wanted James to experience as much as he could with this new pregnancy! There was so much happiness and excitement in the air. The depression subsided, and we were totally in love with this new baby. The hope that surrounded the situation helped ease the stress of the goodbyes that we had to do when James left for his year overseas. We could do it. We could handle another year away from each other – at least we had this new pregnancy to keep us going!

The next 8 months flew by. James was busy overseas, while I was busy keeping this baby safe in my belly. I laid low, took every possible precaution that I could so as not to risk ANYTHING with the pregnancy, and had the doctor on speed dial. With each week came more excitement for both of us. Every time James called, the conversations were joyful, as I was able to tell him more and more about his daughter. He was so incredibly excited, as was I. Once we past the 36 week mark, we knew it was just a matter of time before we were going to be holding our baby girl in our arms – restoring that hope that we had been holding out for, for so long.

It was just a couple days later when our world came crashing down AGAIN. I couldn’t believe it. I was in utter shock when our doctor told me those awful, terrible words, “ I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat” What was I going to do? James was half a world away, and here I was about to deliver ANOTHER stillborn baby. How could this happen? All I wanted to do was cry, but ultimately, I wanted to be in James’ arms. Throughout our losses, and ultimately our marriage, he has always been there to comfort me and I needed that now more than ever.

In those early days after Livy’s death, we were stressed. We were depressed. We were near-suicidal. But in the midst of all of those emotions, we were together. We had each other. James said before Livy’s funeral that things could’ve been worse – he could’ve lost me, too. To know that he needed me, and I needed him…I think that helped us in the grieving process. I wanted to hold on to him and not let go. Knowing that he had to leave again to go back overseas was the worst feeling I could bear at that moment.

With every loss, we have relied on each other for strength. The only problem is that during the first two losses, our goals and dreams remained the same. Unfortunately, Livy’s death changed us a little more. My goals and dreams didn’t change, but James’ did. He always said he didn’t think if we lost a third child, he would be able to handle another pregnancy. I always agreed with him, but now that we’re in those shoes, I feel differently. I still go back and forth (obviously, if you read my blog, you’d see that), but ultimately, I still want to try again. I still have that burning desire to have a family of our own – a healthy one, not one in the grave. James, on the other hand, would prefer if we just called it a day and were done. He would rather make lots of money, and just enjoy life as just the two of us at this point. That sounds great, but I still feel a severe emptiness that just having the two of us will not fill. Because of that, more tension has risen among us. We’re still not on the verge of divorce, but there is definitely more disagreements and distance than there ever was after the deaths of Jake and Jordan. I guess it’s no surprise how high the divorce rates are relating to families that endure the death of a child. The stress, the sadness, the emptiness…it can easily pull people apart in totally different directions!

I am saddened when I read of another angel family losing out to the big D, but I’m almost not surprised. It’s just so hard, and unless you’ve been through it, you can’t comprehend the effects of it. The only thing James and I can do is still hold on to our open communication, and listen when the other talks. I know that will get us through all of this, and ultimately bring us out ahead. As long as we still lean on each other, we will survive this awful nightmare. We just have to find that compromise, as our wishes and hopes change after each loss…

Finally! A good one...

To some, this may not seem like much, but I was lucky enough to actually have a good dream last night -- one that brought some hope rather than horror. My dream consisted of me finding out I was pregnant, and the baby was healthy and survived. Normal, right? Well, for going on 7 years now (ever since we lost Jake), that sort of dream is rare. I know most -- if not all -- Angel moms hope to dream about their babies (in a positive way), and many say they do. Well, I don't know that I've ever had a dream about our kids -- at least not good dreams. Instead, I typically have PTSD-like dreams, either reliving the horror of losing them, of losing another baby, or of anything relating to the loss (people rubbing it in or any kind of reminder). So realistic, that I'm glad to finally wake up from them. So stressful, that I'll wake up with my jaw so clenched shut that it hurts and I have a headache. Sucks...I'm sure that's not exactly normal, but it's not something that I doubt will ever go away. There have been times when it occurs more often than others. I remember having them ALL the time in 2007 for whatever reason, and lately, they're back. In fact, just this week, I had them twice. What a fun way to wake up...having to head to the bathroom to get Excedrin.

The dreams are so horribly vivid that you would think they were real. It makes me think of the movie, Orphan. If you haven't seen it, I wouldn't necessarily recommend renting it as it's a ridiculously bad horror film, but the first twenty minutes are a great portrayal of what it's like to be an Angel mom. While visiting my sister a few months ago, I caught the movie on cable, and because I caught it during the opening credits, I gave it a shot. I had no intention of actually watching it to the end. Not only do I NOT like horror films, but this one just seemed dumb. Well, the very first scene pulled me in. In the opening scene, the wife (Vera Farmiga) experiences an absolutely awful dream where she relives the loss of her child. Granted, it's in the typical horror film-like way, as it's more gruesome than it should be, but still. She finds out the baby has no heartbeat, yet she still has to deliver her baby girl. She continues to go through the horror of it all, then wakes up. She immediately goes to the bathroom only to look down at her stomach to see the horrible reminder -- the incision scar from the c-section. That constant reminder is always there, and as she looks it, it reminds her that it really did happen. Well, fast forward to the next scene...as she's heading to her therapist's office, all she sees are painful reminders (of what she doesn't have) that go along with the loss of a child -- babies, young families, car seats/strollers, etc. I felt for her in that moment, and ended up finishing the movie because of it. Of course, the rest of the film consists of them adopting an orphan to try and complete their family...only for that orphan to be a psychopath, who tries to kill their family, but still...

All that to say, it was nice to actually wake up this morning with a smile and not a headache. I jokingly told James that maybe it's prophecy. He said the same thing, ha. Perhaps we'll see in time. In the meantime, I would love to experience more light-hearted dreams, or hopeful ones, then those awful ones. I guess we'll see what how that goes tonight...

Day of Hope...

Today is the Day of Hope. On this day, we remember our three babies -- Jacob Tyler (09/04/03), Jordan Skye (04/21/06), and Olivia Hayden (12/14/09). There is not a day that goes by that we don't think about you. We love and miss you dearly...

For those affected by the loss of a sweet angel, go to august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com and grab a button and honor your child, grandchild, niece, nephew, etc!

Happy Father's Day...

...to all of those angel dads out there...

Often times angel dads are forgotten in the mix, but this day is for you. You're always there to give us love and support, and ultimately be the rock. Thank you for that. I know you miss your babies just as much as we do. With that being said, I hope this day is a peaceful one for you...

Liv's 6 Month Angelversary...

What a day...

I couldn't have asked for a better way to start the day than the 3 hours of sleep that I got! I did well with actually going to bed at a decent hour (impressive if you know my recent sleep pattern), but less than 2 hours into it, James called. That short period of sleep must've been quality though, because when he called, I woke right up and felt refreshed. None of that half-asleep/not quite with it conversation, but you'd think I had been waiting for his call. After we talked, there was no hope of going back to sleep. With everything on my mind (Liv's 6 month Angelversary, James' homecoming, the upcoming doctor's appointment, etc.), my mind was running too much. I was no longer tired, so I gave up and joined Oba in the living room. He was whining for me to come down anyways. So until the sun came up, there I laid watching movies, wide awake. I hate that! I finally crashed for what felt like 10 minutes before my alarm went off, so I guess that's something...

Anyways, so clearly...a great start to the day. Then I had the follow up appointment with the high risk docs to go over the many tests that have been done over the last couple months (HSG and countless labs). When they scheduled the appointment for today, I didn't even realize the actual date until later when I went to put it on the calender. I suppose it's fitting though. The day has been all about Liv and that appointment was to see if there were ANY possible reasons as to why we lost her, or our other two. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing came of it. I mean, yay (!) to having nothing show up on the test results, so at least we know I'm healthy and there's absolutely no reason why we shouldn't try again. However, it's kind of maddening to be left with nothing to focus on. I saw a different doctor than in the past, and this guy was ready to be done the minute he walked in the room. He was so fast at going through the information, and clearly didn't even read my medical history by the way he was talking about things. You'd think he'd take the time to know what's been going on before meeting with me. Oh well. I made sure to ask him the questions I've been left with, and even though I didn't really get the answers I wanted, at least I've said my peace. I guess we're pretty much done with all of this aside from James having his turn at getting the genetic testing done once he gets back. At this point, they are encouraging us to try again, and want to see me on progesterone injections by 16 weeks to prevent anything happening like with Jake. Then further into the pregnancy, just as Dr. Herman recommended, insane monitoring 2 weeks prior to Liv's heart stopping. So I guess wherever we're stationed at that point -- if it even happens -- then we'll demand all of this with the doctor at the time.

So yeah, that was an interesting appointment. By the time I got home, I didn't know whether to take a nap, or attempt staying up so that maybe by tonight I can crash. The nap won...that was until Oba wanted something. Once I got up, all I could think about was Liv and what today signifies. It's hard to believe that it's been six months since we had Livy. Going through my mind were thoughts of the funeral and those weeks just after her death. I then realized I never blogged about those times, so I went back and added a few entries towards the end of December. I figured I had better do it now while I still remember them. I swear, these kids of ours have taken what little memory I have left. James even commented last night on my awful memory these days, ha. As much as I don't want to, I tend to subconsciously block certain things out from my memory -- whether it's from my childhood, our kids, etc. So at least I can have it on paper -- or the internet in this case.

With me being here in WA and grieving Liv's death on the 6 month mark, James is doing the same halfway around the world. He was telling me on the phone about a conversation that was had between him and his CO last night. It just amazes how some people are just so oblivious. With the deployment nearly over, there are last minute things that have to be done -- especially with the morale/mental status of the soldiers. James' CO was telling him to make note of any soldiers that he thinks might be having problems or are more stressed out than usual. I guess one guy has picked up smoking again, so the CO was concerned and asked if James knew why, etc. Before James could say anything, I said that I love how the CO is concerned for the younger guys, but mentions nothing of James and what he's going through -- or shows any kind of concern. James agreed and said he thought the same thing when he was listening to the CO go on about James' platoon. Yet, earlier in the day, his CO commented on a few of the changes in James over the last six months, but put the blame elsewhere. He said, "Man, you used to be so different when you were the XO, then you became the PL to 2nd platoon and have totally changed." James didn't go in detail, but told him it wasn't the change in jobs that changed his crude humor, comments, and attitude towards things downrange. (Note: He changed jobs literally RIGHT before Liv passed away.) Seriously, can you not think of a better reason for the change than that? I guess the death of our daughter would have absolutely nothing to do with it. Of course not, and of course James being who he is...a guy...isn't going to spell it out to him. He doesn't like talking about Liv in situations like that, and typically won't open up to anyone in the workplace. For those reasons, James kept it vague but corrected him. I always ask James if he talks about Liv down there when people ask -- especially when he found out another guy had lost twins earlier this year. His response is always, "we're guys, we don't go in depth about that stuff." I guess with that being said, I absolutely can't wait for him to get home so that he can open up more freely. At least he'll finally be in an environment where he's more comfortable to be able to do so.

Well, before I forget...I received pictures from family of Liv's grave earlier today. With it being the 6 month mark, various family members went to visit Livy today. I appreciate getting the updates, as we're so far away. We're still waiting on the monument to be set in place, but they have laid the concrete and the grass is definitely starting to fill in. Crazy that it's been 6 months already! We miss her so much!

Below is also a picture of something my mother in law put down in memory of Jake and Jordan. Since we never got to bury Jake and clearly don't have anything for Jordan, she put that down in the Babyland where Liv was buried. She's always associated them with butterflies so it was very fitting...

*Happy* Mother's Day...

...Especially to all of you angel mommies...

Today was not exactly a day that I have been looking forward to. It's so hard when everything you see or hear is talking about the celebration of being a mom. All it does is flood me with thoughts of Liv, Jake, and Jordan. Then it enrages me to think that James is gone during this time, when it would be so much easier to get through this grieving process if he were home. Ugh. All I can say is, I'm glad it's over. Now I don't have to deal with that mess until this time next year.

The only good that came of this hallmark holiday was the fact that I now have a bracelet to signify our three babies. I had been thinking about getting something for quite some time, but never completely decided on what that might be. About a week ago, I finally gave in and got this particular bracelet while at Helzberg. They were having a special for Mother's Day (of course!) where you got the bracelet free when you purchase 5 charms from the Expressions collection. That was perfect, since I would be buying 5 anyways -- 1 for each kid and 2 stoppers. They didn't have Jake's birthstone in the crystal design that I chose, so I got what resembled the closest thing to Sapphire...