Friday, August 20, 2010

Finally! A good one...

To some, this may not seem like much, but I was lucky enough to actually have a good dream last night -- one that brought some hope rather than horror. My dream consisted of me finding out I was pregnant, and the baby was healthy and survived. Normal, right? Well, for going on 7 years now (ever since we lost Jake), that sort of dream is rare. I know most -- if not all -- Angel moms hope to dream about their babies (in a positive way), and many say they do. Well, I don't know that I've ever had a dream about our kids -- at least not good dreams. Instead, I typically have PTSD-like dreams, either reliving the horror of losing them, of losing another baby, or of anything relating to the loss (people rubbing it in or any kind of reminder). So realistic, that I'm glad to finally wake up from them. So stressful, that I'll wake up with my jaw so clenched shut that it hurts and I have a headache. Sucks...I'm sure that's not exactly normal, but it's not something that I doubt will ever go away. There have been times when it occurs more often than others. I remember having them ALL the time in 2007 for whatever reason, and lately, they're back. In fact, just this week, I had them twice. What a fun way to wake up...having to head to the bathroom to get Excedrin.

The dreams are so horribly vivid that you would think they were real. It makes me think of the movie, Orphan. If you haven't seen it, I wouldn't necessarily recommend renting it as it's a ridiculously bad horror film, but the first twenty minutes are a great portrayal of what it's like to be an Angel mom. While visiting my sister a few months ago, I caught the movie on cable, and because I caught it during the opening credits, I gave it a shot. I had no intention of actually watching it to the end. Not only do I NOT like horror films, but this one just seemed dumb. Well, the very first scene pulled me in. In the opening scene, the wife (Vera Farmiga) experiences an absolutely awful dream where she relives the loss of her child. Granted, it's in the typical horror film-like way, as it's more gruesome than it should be, but still. She finds out the baby has no heartbeat, yet she still has to deliver her baby girl. She continues to go through the horror of it all, then wakes up. She immediately goes to the bathroom only to look down at her stomach to see the horrible reminder -- the incision scar from the c-section. That constant reminder is always there, and as she looks it, it reminds her that it really did happen. Well, fast forward to the next scene...as she's heading to her therapist's office, all she sees are painful reminders (of what she doesn't have) that go along with the loss of a child -- babies, young families, car seats/strollers, etc. I felt for her in that moment, and ended up finishing the movie because of it. Of course, the rest of the film consists of them adopting an orphan to try and complete their family...only for that orphan to be a psychopath, who tries to kill their family, but still...

All that to say, it was nice to actually wake up this morning with a smile and not a headache. I jokingly told James that maybe it's prophecy. He said the same thing, ha. Perhaps we'll see in time. In the meantime, I would love to experience more light-hearted dreams, or hopeful ones, then those awful ones. I guess we'll see what how that goes tonight...

1 comment:

  1. I have just started following your beautiful blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies, you are a strong woman. I am glad that you had a good night without any nightmares, I know that good nights are hard to come by sometimes. Thinking of you!

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