10 Years...

As of August 9th, James and I have been married 10 years...10 crazy years. It's hard not to look back and think of all that we've been through during that time. Getting a crazy puppy named Obadiah -- a dog that has been there with me through EVERYTHING. Moving away to Germany for 3 years to start what now looks like a career in the Army. Excitedly starting our family, only to then say goodbye to our first son, Jacob, as we prepared for our 1st deployment. Visiting various countries and exploring countless cities while living overseas. Losing what we thought would be our rainbow (Jordan) almost as soon as we found out we were pregnant -- all the while trying to adjust to our new home in WA as we prepared for our 2nd deployment. Getting out of the Army and finally finishing my degree in psychology, while also buying a house in our hometown. Almost immediately turning around and getting back into the Army, resulting in the attempt at selling a house in a terrible market. Preparing for our 3rd deployment when we were surprised by the insanely exciting news of our pregnancy with our daughter. Later experiencing the horror of losing Olivia while James was away in Afghanistan. Trying to cope with the crazy grief that is what life's like when you have 3 angels in Heaven and nothing more. Moving to GA in hopes of a fresh start and break from deployments. Immediately being shocked by the news of our 4th pregnancy, bringing a whole new level of anxiety and fear yet incredible hope. Enjoying the fact that because of the move to GA and job in TRADOC, James had finally been home more than he'd been away in our whole marriage. Getting further into photography and actually making it more than a hobby. Experiencing the indescribable feeling of joy when I heard our son, Samuel, cry for the first time. Finally getting to live life with a child here on Earth -- in our arms! And now living in TX and enjoying life with the little man that is ever changing as each day goes by...

All the deployments. All the field problems and other various months away thanks to the Army. All the road trips and various vacations. The good times. The sad times. The incredibly tragic times. James has been there by my side through it all. I am so thankful for the relationship that I have with him -- one that will never break or fall apart. One that only gets stronger through each experience that we face together. I love that man and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it!

So with that being said...

James got a 4-day pass and we decided to get out of town with the boy. Due to the heat, we sent Obadiah on his own vacation at a local doggie daycare -- otherwise he would have joined in on the fun, too! As usual, the only hotel we booked in advance was for Obadiah. We just packed some clothes and a cooler of water, got our atlas, and drove. That's our preferred method of travel when doing road trips. If we see something interesting along the way, we stop and check it out. That happened to be the case this time around with Tombstone, AZ. We hadn't even thought to go there, but when we saw the exit for it, we thought what the heck, why not?

I suppose I should also mention that with our anniversary on the 9th, we continued a little tradition of ours. On our wedding night, after all the festivities had ended, we were starving and decided to order pizza. For whatever reason, we have continued that each year. We still like to go out for a nice dinner out, but on our actual wedding anniversary, we always continue our cheesy little tradition. This year was no different. On our way out of town, we stopped at our favorite place in Las Cruces, NM and enjoyed some NY style before continuing on. Good times.

So with our traditional dinner knocked out, we headed west. Samuel thought it was AWESOME being able to run around the hotel room and explore every nook and cranny. He even did his crazy dance in excitement.

(like this...)

The next day, we checked out Tombstone, AZ, had In-n-Out in Tucson, AZ (a first for Samuel!), and agreed that we have to come back to Phoenix at some point after having a quick stop and seeing all that they have to offer -- I mean, come on...they have an Ikea among other things! Ha. We continued on towards Sedona, AZ, but ended up making an unexpected stop at the Montezuma Castle National Monument first. It's so fascinating to see such historical marks! After we learned a little more about that area, we arrived in Sedona, which was BEAUTIFUL! (Thank you to those that recommended us stopping there!!!) After taking a little hike through one of the state parks within the Sedona area and letting Sam run around, we ended our night in Flagstaff, AZ. Considering the fact that the only place I've visited in AZ before now was the airport, I never realized all that it has to offer. Flagstaff reminded us somewhat of a mix between the PNW and the town we went to college in. We loved it!

With that under our belt, we headed on to the Grand Canyon the next day and spent the morning there. Since I still haven't gotten around to taking Samuel's 1 Year pictures, it also turned into a mini photo session for the boy. Talk about a beautiful background! We really lucked out, too, as the rain didn't hit until after we were heading out...

Since we couldn't just stop there, we headed on north towards the Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument. However, before getting there, we checked out Bryce Canyon. As we were walking up to the first scenic view, James said, "Is it bad that I almost think this is more beautiful than the Grand Canyon?" Ha. I couldn't help but agree with him. Talk about indescribable beauty! We probably spent more time there than anywhere else. We loved it!

The Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument didn't end up providing as much entertainment as expected since we didn't bring the truck. Apparently, you can only get to most of the points of interest by a dirt/sand road that is impassable when wet. So considering the fact that we didn't have our truck and the storm clouds kept coming and going, we didn't want to risk it. We tried at first, but ended up facing a flooded road, so we turned around. The last place I want to get stranded is in the middle of nowhere! It was still beautiful and provided a connection to the next best thing -- Capital Reef National Park.

I feel like a broken record talking about the beauty behind all of these national parks. Utah should just be deemed as one massive national park -- that's pretty much all you do is hop from one to the next! We thoroughly enjoyed each park, and I'm so glad we decided to hike to Hickman Bridge while at Capital Reef. Minus being a genius and hiking in sandals that lack any kind of grip at all (resulting in a cut up knee and toe after slipping on a smooth rock), it was a great experience to get up there with Sam. James refused to use the Ergo so as to avoid a scene that bordered looking like abuse since Sam flips out if he's confined in any way shape or form, so he had the pleasure of carrying him all the way up there. We got such a kick out of watching Sam enjoy the ride, as he laughed and talked all the way there -- as if to say, "This is fun guys! Let's go further!" Then on the way back down, he slowed down and eventually fell asleep on James' shoulder -- it's hard work being carried! The sweet boy.

I wish we would've had more days to explore, as we would've gone even further north into more national parks...such is life. We'll just have to go back! We had a wonderful trip and created many great memories with the little man. I'm so glad we were able to go there as a family. While Samuel won't remember any of it, he definitely enjoyed himself in the moment!

I posted pictures to my Facebook page here, but if you're not on FB, here are a few...

Sam's favorite part about being in a hotel -- the phone. He kept picking it up and saying, "Ah?! Ah?! Ah?!"

Loved Sedona!

Sweet Sam while in a park in Sedona...

Appreciating the view at the Grand Canyon...



And the freedom after being in the car! Running in any direction we'll let him...



This might substitute as Samuel's 1 Year picture. It was crazy bright and sunny, but it's the closest we'll probably get to a posed picture for awhile ...



Loved the view...



Samuel counting the states that he's been to...



The happy couple...



Bryce Canyon...





Sweet boy...



By far, the best part of the trip!



On our way back after trying to get to one of the arches in Great Staircase Escalante National Monument...



Love it...



Samuel enjoying a break...



I sure wish that boy would be willing to keep his hat and sunglasses on for longer than 30 seconds...



Some of the many cows that blocked the road throughout the trip...



A family picture...



Father and son while in Capital Reef National Park...



Loved the hike to Hickman Bridge...

Enjoying being the only ones in the area...

Another family picture...

Enjoying the view and the new toy...



It just doesn't get any better -- the view, the peaceful silence, time with family...



Love these boys!



What an amazingly memorable trip with my boys. I'm so thankful that I have them. I'm thankful that after 10 crazy years, James and I get to celebrate together vs. over the phone like in the past thanks to the Army. Now on to the 11th year and many more experiences to come -- hopefully more happy than sad. The last year was full of so much joy -- I hope it stays that way for awhile! Heck, we're in a non-deployable unit, so we've got a few things going in our favor right now...

Anyways...here's to 10 years of marriage and many more to come!!!

Marriage...

How has the death of your child affected your marriage/relationship?

I was recently asked this question and it got me thinking…How has it changed? People always tell me, “Man, after going through what you guys have been through, I know that you two can survive anything!” That’s encouraging, but how much can you really take before it becomes TOO much? Since I’ve pretty much been open thus far with my blog, I figured why should I stop now? Here goes…

From the start, James and I both wanted a family. We got married knowing that we were going to try and build our family while we were still very young (early 20s). There was so much excitement and hope. We didn’t have a care in the world, and nothing else mattered. We weren’t concerned with having a huge income – what we had was sufficient. All we wanted was a happy marriage and a child or two to go along with it. Life was great, and the idea of trying for a baby was all that we talked about. Once we got to our first duty station, we immediately tried for that child, and got the great news 2 months later! This was it! Sure, there were critics out there who thought we were too young and clearly not up for the challenge, but we didn’t let that get to us. We knew what we wanted, and we knew we were ready. Unfortunately, tragedy struck, and life took a turn from the path we thought we were going to be on. All our hopes and dreams were shattered, but at least we had each other!

This is where that question about our marriage after loss begins…

After Jake’s death, we definitely grew closer. We leaned on each other, as we grieved the loss of our son. No one else could comprehend how we felt – the emptiness, the sadness, the devastation. We both knew that we could count on each other for comfort, even though we grieved in totally different ways. He never expected anything out of me on the days that I couldn’t function, and I understood when he had days of just wanting to be alone. It just worked. We made it work.

As time went by, we talked more and more about what we wanted for the future – another child. We knew that timing was not right, so we were going to enjoy life until it was. We took that time to travel Europe and create the honeymoon that we never had. It was a great year with lots of enjoyable memories – mixed with sadness and thoughts of how it would be if Jake would’ve been there. There was hope. There was excitement for things to come.

Once the time was right, we agreed that we were both ready to try for that rainbow baby – the healthy child after a loss. We were so full of excitement and love, but still a little hesitant. But even with that hesitation, deep down, we felt like this was the right thing to do, at the right time. Just like with Jake, we got pregnant after two months. I was on cloud nine, but James was much more apprehensive. He was excited, but terrified at the same time. He even went as far as to say that he wasn’t going to get his hopes up. He was going to believe it was real when we had a crying baby in the delivery room. That was hard to hear, but I understood that we needed to deal with this in our own way. While I refused to let our history affect the happiness and hope that this new pregnancy brought, James went into it with much more caution.

Unfortunately, James’ reaction to the new pregnancy was probably a smart one. A week after we got the awesome news, we miscarried that second child (which we named, Jordan Skye). The devastation was back. The horror was being repeated, but in a totally different way. We received shocking comments lacking serious compassion and empathy. We were in a different place, but yet not. How could this have happened? Once again, we leaned on each other. Once again, I was swallowed up by the depths of despair, and James was there to comfort me – at least for the week before his deployment. I was there to show him love, while he grieved in his own way – all the while, preparing for a second tour in Iraq. We needed each other more than ever. Not only did we lose our second child, but we were about to embark on another long separation. How could we get through it, if not on the same page? We held strong, and held out hope for the future once again. We told ourselves that once he returned from Iraq, we would try for that *second* rainbow baby, and that God was surely going to bless us.

Fast forward two years, after many trials, arguments, days of sadness due to missing our two babies, and changes in our lives (ETSing from the Army, moving to our hometown, finishing my degree, rejoining the Army, etc.), we decided that the time was right and we were going to try again. We still agreed on what we wanted out of life. A family was of top priority and everything else could wait. Unfortunately, God had other plans. Month after month passed (adding up to over a year!) and we continually received a BFN. What were we going to do now? All I could think about was that family that we both wanted and yearned for it.

After months of stress and frustration, we sought out a specialist. I mean, maybe I couldn’t get pregnant. Maybe something happened as a result of the miscarriage and the poor care that I received at the Army hospital that caused something to go wrong to where there was no chance of a third pregnancy. Maybe James was exposed to something downrange that would prevent us from getting pregnant. We didn’t know what to think, but we weren’t going to wait for several more years, only to be in the same place we were then. I don’t know if it really brought comfort or not, but after both being tested, we were told that there was absolutely nothing wrong with us. We were relieved to hear it, but somewhat frustrated, as we didn’t understand why we weren’t getting pregnant. We never blamed each other for our infertility issues, but that didn’t mean our stress didn’t get the best of us at times. Luckily, we were still ultimately reliant on each other in our darkest moments, so we always drew closer during those times. Sure, there were arguments and questions that would arise, but we couldn’t imagine going through this alone. We needed each other. No one else could even grasp what we were feeling. Only the two of us knew how the other felt, and knew how to comfort each other. Ultimately, there was no question as to whether or not our marriage would fail because of this. We refused, and wouldn’t allow it.

Since we still weren’t getting pregnant and had no answers, but desperately wanted that family, we decided that maybe adoption was the direction we should take. After talking it through and praying about it, we went ahead and contacted a few adoption agencies -- as well as the state foster-to-adopt program. We figured that maybe this was where God wanted us to be. We were slowly getting excited about the idea and imagining where our lives would be if we took this path. We went as far as to meet with the WA state social worker who deals with the foster program and filled out paperwork. I was getting excited. Even though James was soon going to deploy again , I could at least prepare for the home study and finish up the process. It was becoming real that maybe we would soon be able to bring a child into our home and have that family that we always dreamed of…even if it wasn’t going to happen in exactly the way in which we thought it would.

Well, much to our surprise, after going through all of that, we shockingly received a BFP! What the heck?! After all of the stress, the worry, the prayers, etc…we were pregnant again! Neither of us could believe it. We were so excited. Unlike with our short pregnancy with Jordan, James didn’t have any hesitation this time around. We felt like God had answered our prayers, and we were going to soak up every moment that we had with this new child. With preparing for a tour in Afghanistan, we agreed that we were going to do as much as we could to involve James before he left. We started the baby registries early, even though we knew that was risky. I wanted James to experience as much as he could with this new pregnancy! There was so much happiness and excitement in the air. The depression subsided, and we were totally in love with this new baby. The hope that surrounded the situation helped ease the stress of the goodbyes that we had to do when James left for his year overseas. We could do it. We could handle another year away from each other – at least we had this new pregnancy to keep us going!

The next 8 months flew by. James was busy overseas, while I was busy keeping this baby safe in my belly. I laid low, took every possible precaution that I could so as not to risk ANYTHING with the pregnancy, and had the doctor on speed dial. With each week came more excitement for both of us. Every time James called, the conversations were joyful, as I was able to tell him more and more about his daughter. He was so incredibly excited, as was I. Once we past the 36 week mark, we knew it was just a matter of time before we were going to be holding our baby girl in our arms – restoring that hope that we had been holding out for, for so long.

It was just a couple days later when our world came crashing down AGAIN. I couldn’t believe it. I was in utter shock when our doctor told me those awful, terrible words, “ I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat” What was I going to do? James was half a world away, and here I was about to deliver ANOTHER stillborn baby. How could this happen? All I wanted to do was cry, but ultimately, I wanted to be in James’ arms. Throughout our losses, and ultimately our marriage, he has always been there to comfort me and I needed that now more than ever.

In those early days after Livy’s death, we were stressed. We were depressed. We were near-suicidal. But in the midst of all of those emotions, we were together. We had each other. James said before Livy’s funeral that things could’ve been worse – he could’ve lost me, too. To know that he needed me, and I needed him…I think that helped us in the grieving process. I wanted to hold on to him and not let go. Knowing that he had to leave again to go back overseas was the worst feeling I could bear at that moment.

With every loss, we have relied on each other for strength. The only problem is that during the first two losses, our goals and dreams remained the same. Unfortunately, Livy’s death changed us a little more. My goals and dreams didn’t change, but James’ did. He always said he didn’t think if we lost a third child, he would be able to handle another pregnancy. I always agreed with him, but now that we’re in those shoes, I feel differently. I still go back and forth (obviously, if you read my blog, you’d see that), but ultimately, I still want to try again. I still have that burning desire to have a family of our own – a healthy one, not one in the grave. James, on the other hand, would prefer if we just called it a day and were done. He would rather make lots of money, and just enjoy life as just the two of us at this point. That sounds great, but I still feel a severe emptiness that just having the two of us will not fill. Because of that, more tension has risen among us. We’re still not on the verge of divorce, but there is definitely more disagreements and distance than there ever was after the deaths of Jake and Jordan. I guess it’s no surprise how high the divorce rates are relating to families that endure the death of a child. The stress, the sadness, the emptiness…it can easily pull people apart in totally different directions!

I am saddened when I read of another angel family losing out to the big D, but I’m almost not surprised. It’s just so hard, and unless you’ve been through it, you can’t comprehend the effects of it. The only thing James and I can do is still hold on to our open communication, and listen when the other talks. I know that will get us through all of this, and ultimately bring us out ahead. As long as we still lean on each other, we will survive this awful nightmare. We just have to find that compromise, as our wishes and hopes change after each loss…