A Deeper Shade Of Grace...

If you haven't read this book, you must find it at your local library (or buy it!) and read it! What a powerful book -- or at least I thought so! I'm glad that I finally took the time to finish it. You see, my mom had given me this book just a few months after Olivia passed away in hopes that it would bring me a little comfort. The problem is that I'm not much of a reader. In fact, it's almost guaranteed that I will fall asleep two paragraphs in. But even with that being said, a few months after receiving the book, I did give it a shot. I knew it was a story of loss -- a lot of loss -- but also a story of hope. So while waiting for numerous doctor appointments with the fertility specialists in hopes of finding even the tiniest answer as to why we've lost so many children, I decided to crack open the book. Unfortunately, just as with any book, I only got to the 3rd chapter before being distracted with other things in life and never went back to it. That was...until tonight. While trying to get Sam to sleep in his crib (a current constant battle), I figured I would just read this aloud. Boy am I glad I finally gave it another shot! Once I got into it, I couldn't put it down and now here I am at 2am with a finished book.

I think there's more to it as to why I actually finished the book now vs. back when I tried the first time. I'm in such a different place now. I can actually accept a story of hope. Back then, I couldn't. Back then, I refused to see any glimmer of hope, as I felt there was none. So to read a book about hope...well, it just infuriated me all that much more. I would have rather wallow in my anger/grief than consider the idea of a possibly joyful outcome down the road. I mean, who knew we'd have Samuel with us now?! For a long while, I refused to believe that day would ever come. So to sit there reading this book in the waiting room of a fertility clinic, while hearing healthy heartbeats coming from the ultrasounds in the other rooms...I gave it a shot, but I didn't get very far. Now...well, it was very different. I still cried throughout the book, as I felt her pain, but I could do so with a sleeping little boy right beside me. Oh, what a difference it makes!

So with giving it another shot, I couldn't get over all of the similarities between their story and ours. Sure, no two stories are the same, but as I read her words, it felt so close to home. The pain. The numerous losses -- including multiple stillbirths. The nightmares that followed. The job which took away her spouse during such times of grief. The testing of her faith in God. The anger. The shallow words said by those close to her -- in the attempt of comforting her, only to come out more hurtful than anything else. The struggles in her marriage resulting from such great loss. The comparison to Job -- a comment made by our pastor upon finding out Olivia had passed away. Etc, etc. There was so much that I could relate to. It really just left me speechless.

Between A Deeper Shade of Grace and An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, I wish everyone would take the time to read them. It opens your eyes to a world that few unfortunately experience. I so appreciate women like the two behind these books that opened up their heart so that others could find comfort in knowing they're not alone.