Liv's 6 Month Angelversary...

What a day...

I couldn't have asked for a better way to start the day than the 3 hours of sleep that I got! I did well with actually going to bed at a decent hour (impressive if you know my recent sleep pattern), but less than 2 hours into it, James called. That short period of sleep must've been quality though, because when he called, I woke right up and felt refreshed. None of that half-asleep/not quite with it conversation, but you'd think I had been waiting for his call. After we talked, there was no hope of going back to sleep. With everything on my mind (Liv's 6 month Angelversary, James' homecoming, the upcoming doctor's appointment, etc.), my mind was running too much. I was no longer tired, so I gave up and joined Oba in the living room. He was whining for me to come down anyways. So until the sun came up, there I laid watching movies, wide awake. I hate that! I finally crashed for what felt like 10 minutes before my alarm went off, so I guess that's something...

Anyways, so clearly...a great start to the day. Then I had the follow up appointment with the high risk docs to go over the many tests that have been done over the last couple months (HSG and countless labs). When they scheduled the appointment for today, I didn't even realize the actual date until later when I went to put it on the calender. I suppose it's fitting though. The day has been all about Liv and that appointment was to see if there were ANY possible reasons as to why we lost her, or our other two. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing came of it. I mean, yay (!) to having nothing show up on the test results, so at least we know I'm healthy and there's absolutely no reason why we shouldn't try again. However, it's kind of maddening to be left with nothing to focus on. I saw a different doctor than in the past, and this guy was ready to be done the minute he walked in the room. He was so fast at going through the information, and clearly didn't even read my medical history by the way he was talking about things. You'd think he'd take the time to know what's been going on before meeting with me. Oh well. I made sure to ask him the questions I've been left with, and even though I didn't really get the answers I wanted, at least I've said my peace. I guess we're pretty much done with all of this aside from James having his turn at getting the genetic testing done once he gets back. At this point, they are encouraging us to try again, and want to see me on progesterone injections by 16 weeks to prevent anything happening like with Jake. Then further into the pregnancy, just as Dr. Herman recommended, insane monitoring 2 weeks prior to Liv's heart stopping. So I guess wherever we're stationed at that point -- if it even happens -- then we'll demand all of this with the doctor at the time.

So yeah, that was an interesting appointment. By the time I got home, I didn't know whether to take a nap, or attempt staying up so that maybe by tonight I can crash. The nap won...that was until Oba wanted something. Once I got up, all I could think about was Liv and what today signifies. It's hard to believe that it's been six months since we had Livy. Going through my mind were thoughts of the funeral and those weeks just after her death. I then realized I never blogged about those times, so I went back and added a few entries towards the end of December. I figured I had better do it now while I still remember them. I swear, these kids of ours have taken what little memory I have left. James even commented last night on my awful memory these days, ha. As much as I don't want to, I tend to subconsciously block certain things out from my memory -- whether it's from my childhood, our kids, etc. So at least I can have it on paper -- or the internet in this case.

With me being here in WA and grieving Liv's death on the 6 month mark, James is doing the same halfway around the world. He was telling me on the phone about a conversation that was had between him and his CO last night. It just amazes how some people are just so oblivious. With the deployment nearly over, there are last minute things that have to be done -- especially with the morale/mental status of the soldiers. James' CO was telling him to make note of any soldiers that he thinks might be having problems or are more stressed out than usual. I guess one guy has picked up smoking again, so the CO was concerned and asked if James knew why, etc. Before James could say anything, I said that I love how the CO is concerned for the younger guys, but mentions nothing of James and what he's going through -- or shows any kind of concern. James agreed and said he thought the same thing when he was listening to the CO go on about James' platoon. Yet, earlier in the day, his CO commented on a few of the changes in James over the last six months, but put the blame elsewhere. He said, "Man, you used to be so different when you were the XO, then you became the PL to 2nd platoon and have totally changed." James didn't go in detail, but told him it wasn't the change in jobs that changed his crude humor, comments, and attitude towards things downrange. (Note: He changed jobs literally RIGHT before Liv passed away.) Seriously, can you not think of a better reason for the change than that? I guess the death of our daughter would have absolutely nothing to do with it. Of course not, and of course James being who he is...a guy...isn't going to spell it out to him. He doesn't like talking about Liv in situations like that, and typically won't open up to anyone in the workplace. For those reasons, James kept it vague but corrected him. I always ask James if he talks about Liv down there when people ask -- especially when he found out another guy had lost twins earlier this year. His response is always, "we're guys, we don't go in depth about that stuff." I guess with that being said, I absolutely can't wait for him to get home so that he can open up more freely. At least he'll finally be in an environment where he's more comfortable to be able to do so.

Well, before I forget...I received pictures from family of Liv's grave earlier today. With it being the 6 month mark, various family members went to visit Livy today. I appreciate getting the updates, as we're so far away. We're still waiting on the monument to be set in place, but they have laid the concrete and the grass is definitely starting to fill in. Crazy that it's been 6 months already! We miss her so much!

Below is also a picture of something my mother in law put down in memory of Jake and Jordan. Since we never got to bury Jake and clearly don't have anything for Jordan, she put that down in the Babyland where Liv was buried. She's always associated them with butterflies so it was very fitting...