Joy...

So, with Samuel asleep and James outside smoking a cigar, I decided to take some time and clean out some of my emails/files. While doing so, I ran across a blog post that I apparently started at one point, but never finished or published. It's crazy to look back and read it -- knowing how big our son is now and where we are in our lives now...

Here is the main part of that saved blog post...

"Life is way too short and goes way too fast. All these years of yearning for that which was taken from us. A baby. Now we finally have Sam and he's growing faster than I can handle. This child is already learning how to drink from a sippy cup, independently eat finger foods, pull up and stand while holding on to toys/furniture/our hands, etc. Heck, he took FOUR steps last night while using my hands for balance! Not to mention the fact that he has TWO teeth coming in. Crazy. Before I know it, we will be celebrating his one year and all those baby things I dreamed of for so long will be past. I need to stop thinking and just enjoy every moment. I need to be appreciative of what we have been given and stop being angry about what has been taken. I need to find that release so that I can live in the present. All these years of looking to the future...I need to stop. All of the things that I've spent years looking forward to or wishing away time for have come. Now is the time to stop and just breathe. After all, there's a very good chance Samuel will be our last child, so I can't let a moment pass me by."

It's interesting to see what I was thinking over a year ago compared to how I feel now. Time is definitely FLYING by! There is definitely no hint of Baby Sam anymore. Reading about him taking steps, eating independently, etc. -- it feels like SO long ago! The child is crazy big and surprises me daily with the things he has figured out or is able to do.

I have to say...I feel like I have been able to do more of what I aimed for in that blog post -- living in the present and stop worrying about the future. I also feel like the anger is less severe than it once was. I miss our 3 like ca-razy! But there is more of a smile that comes when thinking about them than before. I knew it was only a matter of time, since that's how it was after losing Jacob, but the grief after losing Olivia was on a whole different level. At the time, it felt like ALL hope was lost after we lost our THIRD child! I'm so thankful that we have Samuel to bring such joy as we continue to heal. The amount of joy he brings to our days is indescribable! I really feel like our move to TX has helped, too. We have really enjoyed our time here. Even though James is away more often with his job, it's still nothing like we've dealt with in the past, which is wonderful! I feel like I can honestly say at this point, life is good. I can't really think of any complaints or reasons to wish away time and rush to getting to the next point in our lives. Enjoying the present...It feels like new territory for us. Even though our days are super busy and time is passing by faster than I'd like it to, it feels like we're in a place where we are completely content and when asked how we're doing, can honestly say "We're doing great!" and mean it. (If that makes sense.) It feels good to be in that place!

Of course, it melts my heart when we're in the living room and Samuel runs to our family picture with Olivia. He will typically stand there and just stare at it for a few minutes then point to Livy and "talk" to her. The afternoon when this picture was taken, I didn't get the camera out in time to grab him "talking" to her, but I did catch his sweet finger pointing at her. Sweet, sweet Samuel. He definitely knows how to help us along on this journey. Such bittersweet moments...but they're definitely becoming more sweet than bitter...

This child brings us so much joy on a daily basis. Seriously...when I wake up to him making his little whimper of a cry and staring at the video monitor (yes, he stares right at the camera with a look of, "I know you're watching me. Now, will you please come get me?!")...it doesn't matter if it's at 3:30am or 8am, it brings such a smile. And yes, we have had several days where Samuel thinks 3:30am is the perfect time to start our day! The sweet boy. I just love him and I'm so thankful he's in our lives!

Look how big he is now! 20 months old. Just 4 months until he turns TWO! When James looked at this picture, the first thing he said was, "Wow, he covers up his name now..." Child, please slow down. It's not a race to see who can grow up the fastest!

After uploading today's pictures, I laughed when I saw that this was captured. He loves diving off of anything available, so why not his chair?

Oh, sweet Samuel. I love that I get to spend everyday with this little man...