Saturday, January 21, 2012

Late Night Thoughts...

So, here I was -- planning on finally doing Samuel's 7 month old update (2 weeks late) -- when I found myself rambling on about other things instead. So...I will postpone the 7 month old update for another day and post what's on my mind...

I know I sound like a broken record, as this is a common theme to my thought process these days, but after stumbling across a new blog unexpectedly earlier tonight, it's consuming my thoughts...I can't help but continuously think about where we are now after what we've dealt with over the years...How short life is. How time slows down when you feel nothing but pain, yet how fast it goes when you're surrounded by joy. I constantly feel like I'm in the middle of those, but yet, I just can't keep up. I find myself completely full of joy during the day, as I'm loving on Sam and watching him grow and learn. That boy is my dream come true! Yet before bed, when all three boys are sound asleep (Obadiah included), I find myself allowing the pain/anger of what has happened in the past (missing our 3) to take over my thoughts. This leads to getting absolutely no sleep at all. The past few nights have been like that. I'd love to just shut off. Oh, to be like James and just not think about the painful past -- know it's there, but not let it consume me. Yeah, that's just not me. It's ever present, but I'm always trying to push it out of the forefront. It's not until the house is silent and still that it starts to come out and overcome my thoughts. Then before I know it, I'm down to getting 3 hours or so of sleep. Good times. I know how to remedy all this...spend more time in The Word. Well, that and get to the point to where triggers don't get to me so easily. Now to just do it...

Two things come to mind after writing all of that...

There have been a few articles that have surfaced lately by moms telling it like it is. To most moms, they are praised and recommended. Yet I read them and see nothing but selfish, ungrateful moms taking for granted what they have. I know that's a bit harsh, but I just can't help it. Maybe it's that bitter heart that I just can't kick. Either way, when I sit and skim the (1000s of) comments, hidden in between are a few comments by those that feel like me. Do you want to know what they all have in common? Pain and loss. The few that have a different opinion than the masses have all experienced or seen another side of it all, resulting in a much different attitude. That struck me in a way that I can't explain. I felt justified in my reaction to it all, yet it saddened me to read what those few moms had gone through to see it in the same light as me. Loss definitely brings to light a new appreciation for things that most take for granted...

Secondly, something happened at our Bible study last week that I'm still thinking about. I can't quite remember how it related to the topic we were discussing, but one of the ladies in our group ended up giving us her life-story -- such a story of strength. This particular lady is probably in her late 40's or early 50's. She usually attends alone, but every so often brings her preteen-aged neighbor with her. I never knew anything beyond that. However, after she spoke, I just wanted to give her a big hug and then run down to the nursery and give Sam a big hug. Her story struck home, while also giving me an even BIGGER appreciation for where we are now -- holding a healthy child in our arms. Turns out, this particular lady dealt with many years of infertility -- ending in one ectopic pregnancy and never had any living children later on. Her marriage didn't work out after that and her parents have since passed away, so she is "alone." (Her wording, not mine) She is also a social worker -- having such an amazing heart for children in need. With all of that being said, she faced something throughout the years that made me so mad. Why? Because my grandma feels the same way. I'll never understand how someone has the nerve to say such things, but this girl in my Bible study was told by supposed Christian women that her loss/failed marriage was all because of the sin in her life. Ugh! The reason why no one told my grandma about Olivia's passing (and Jacob and Jordan's) was because she would've given me the same answer. We know that because she gave my mom that response when she suffered a miscarriage in the early '80s. How sad is that?! So yeah, this comment struck me. I'm sure I had a look of disgust on my face when the girl in our Bible study said it. How dare someone tell her that! After the initial comments and responses to such an awful accusation were said, the discussion went into how the things that we experience (pain and suffering) make us who we are. Her past allowed for her to have the amazing passion that she has for children in need, etc. All of this made me think of how our losses have changed us. Sure, I have a bitter heart after losing Olivia and I'm not one to deny that, but I also see other things that have come from our past. It just made me think of this quote...

Pain makes you stronger;
Tears makes you braver;
Heartbreak makes you wiser;
So thank the past for a better future.
-John Hellson

I don't know that I necessarily thank the past for a better future, but I do see how we've been molded to who we are because of what we've faced in our lives. No matter what the circumstances are, we are who we are because of what we've been through. Stronger, braver, wiser, etc...

During that same Bible study, I was also reminded (again) of a quote that I have written down in several places...

"Let your past make you better, not bitter."

I suppose if I had a new years resolution, that would be it. I don't ever do those, but I know that's something that I seriously need to work on this year. I know that having Samuel here helps. I just need to find a way to let go of the anger, find peace, and eventually be in a place of acceptance like I was for years after Jacob and Jordan. If nothing else, Sam deserves that.

Well, considering the fact that I had planned on posting an update on the boy, but instead went into a totally different direction, I will at least leave this with a recent set of pictures of him...


Oh, how I love him...

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for this Priscilla. I hope you are able to embrace that resolution this year. It's a meaningful one, and I can imagine it's oh so hard.

    I'm one of those lucky moms who can blithely complain about how tough things are, but your honest sharing on this blog over the years has helped me to cherish every single moment with my daughter and helped me to confront sadness and fear in my own life. So thanks for that too!

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  2. I hope that you were eventually able to get some peaceful sleep. Late night thoughts when everything is so silent really wreak havoc sometimes. Your journey to Sam is something most people can't understand. It upsets me to think that someone would actually think that "sins of the past" would result in the pain of child loss. Why would the innocent life of a child be the sacrifice? So cruel.
    I am so happy that you have Sam. He is such a joy and a blessing. I hope that you are able to work toward your New Years Resolution. Remembering and loving Olivia, Jacob, and Jordan always.
    Also, thank you so much for the thank you card. It was beautiful. <3
    Eventually, I am going to get one of our long emails going! :-)

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I found your blog on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website.

    I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well; www.roseandherlily.blogspot.com

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