Thursday, October 27, 2011

Can't Sleep...

So while failing miserably at trying to fall asleep, I couldn't help but lay there thinking about our past, present and future. Our little family. My thoughts were jumping around as usual, but at one point, I wondered...will we try for another kid at some point? I mean, after all, Samuel made it...why can't a 5th child make it, too? As I laid there wondering about that, I had this immediate thought of, "Woah...that's right. Sam did make it. He's here. Our dream of having a healthy child REALLY did come true!" I know, as I say that, you'd think I'd be over these moments of shock after almost 5 months of having a healthy child in our arms, but I'm not. I still wake up with a giddy smile at times when I realize I'm being woken up by a little guy that's ready to start the day...instead of the usual -- Obadiah ready to go out for his morning bathroom break. I still go to bed at times feeling completely overcome with a sense of joy because of where we are finally at in our lives. After so many years...the pain of our losses is still there (trust me, it won't EVER leave!), but the joy of having Samuel is amazing -- so amazing that the realization of his survival stops me in my tracks constantly. I'm so glad that moments like this can counter the ones of me reliving our painful losses of Jacob, Jordan and Olivia. I can't even begin to explain to you the emotion behind it all...

So before I let Oba in (the old man needed a 1am bathroom break) and make the attempt at falling asleep again...

I just have to say that for those of you out there that are where we were before June 7th, 2011 -- still trying to cling on to that tiny ounce of hope of possibly/eventually having a healthy child, wondering if it will EVER happen -- don't give up. The pain sucks and you'll forever miss your angel(s), but it's so worth it in the end. Here we are, eight years later...3 angels and one healthy little boy. And here I sit...still in complete awe and amazement that he's here with us...smiling in his sleep at the moment with his arms stretched out in his crib...

Yep. Totally worth it...

3 comments:

  1. I love that you still have those moments. I know Mom's who have never lost treasure their babies, but Mom's who have lost appreciate every single second, it seems.

    Thanks for your message about not giving up. After 4 losses, hope gets harder to hold onto, but you do give me hope.

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  2. Oh those late night thoughts that haunt us. You and James are such wonderful parents to Olivia, Jacob, and Jordan. They have a huge family of loved ones on Earth who will always remember and honor them.
    Just wanted to send a few virtual hugs your way! I imagine you holding Sam close! <3

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