Friday, March 25, 2011

And.......The Anger Is Back...

So, we still hold some fairly strong feelings towards my OB in WA...

I mean, obviously, when there's a loss, you try to put the blame somewhere. Not always is it exactly warranted, but sometimes I feel that it is. With Liv's death, I know that there's no bringing her back, nor can I completely blame my OB, but I'd like to think he didn't do everything possible to make sure she arrived a healthy baby girl. I've gone through phases where I've been at peace with it, but there are also times where I'm downright furious with him. Today was one of those days...

The reason such feelings arose was due to my research on kick counts. With today marking 25 weeks, I knew it was just about time that we need to start doing those on a daily basis. To refresh my memory, I pulled up some official websites that explain the ins and outs of why they're necessary, how often to do them, etc. All of this brought back memories of when I would speak to my OB about such things. I remember asking him about it in the second trimester and him dismissing the idea. He said to not stress kick counts, but just focus on making sure that she IS moving. He said that he never liked to tell his patients to do kick counts, because it would only freak them out more if an hour went by and there was little movement. Alright, fine. So I ignored him and continued to do them.

Well, fast forward to her 36 week appointment...her heartbeat was nice and strong, but I commented that she wasn't moving AS much as normal. He said that's normal -- yet according to these websites, that's not true. I wish I would've read the websites that week, rather than listen to my OB. He said that even if her movement had lessened, if it was still there, she's fine. Alright, so I listened to him and dismissed my worries. What happens? Two days later, I call due to absolutely no movement and we all know what happened after that...

While reading about kick counts today, it said in nice bold letters that you should take great concern if the frequency of movement lessens, even if the heart rate is still strong -- that it's best to investigate at the onset of slower movements, because if you wait until the heart rate slows down, it may be too late. That's wonderful. Thank you, Dr. Herman. I wish you would not have been stubborn about such things and just nonchalantly dismissed my concerns as nothing. Sure, she could've still passed away -- especially since we have absolutely no idea why her heart stopped when it did -- but I'd like to think that had he listened to my voiced concerns, maybe we could've had a better chance at enjoying a now 15 month old little girl.

Don't you love the what-if's? Ugh...

All we can do is try to find peace with Liv's death, as we have with Jake and Jordan. It has definitely been a harder task this time around, though. I just hope and pray that Sam keeps a strong heart beat and makes it! We possibly have as few as 10 weeks left depending on how that amnio goes. In the meantime, we'll be doing those kick counts and praying...lots...

8 comments:

  1. Praying for you and sweet Sam:)

    I wish none of us had to feel that way. But I hold ALOT of resentment with my OB dr. He failed me...it's not his fault what happened, but he took no measures, sent me for no level 2 ultraounds, just sent me home on bedrest every time I went in bleeding. I had an infection, and an undiagnosed clotting disorder and had very high blood pressure and my potassium was dangerously low. I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously.
    Im so sorry you are dealing with these emotions..:(

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  2. I completely understand the anger and frustration. The doctor I had when I lost my daughter never mentioned kick counts. I remember her asking if I was feeling movement at my 24 week appointment. And I answered "Kind of. It's sporadic". And all she said was well you should feeling lots of movement. And then she changed the subject so I assumed everything was okay. And it wasn't.
    The doctor I have now is a blessing. She reminds me at every appointment to do the kick counts and asks about the baby's movement. I feel like she is actually committed to me having a healthy, living baby.
    Rest assured, I am praying and counting with you...

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  3. How frustrating! I am sorry that your OB in WA didn't seem to put too much stock in your concerns. I recently read a story on kick counts and, like you said, even with a good heart rate they are a very significant tool to assess baby's well being. I was unaware of this as we never got that far with Harper :(

    Lots of prayers are being said for baby Sam and for his mommy and daddy!!

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  4. I remember talking to you about this before. This is why I watch all those baby shows, I get to see how different OBs feel about certain things, various pregnancies and labors, etc. I know Dr. Herman NEVER mentioned kick counts to me, but I did them anyway, I don't know what his deal was, he was pretty hands off, I liked him, but I still think I'd see another OB if we get pregnant again. I'm so sorry about having that anger come back again, I'm here to talk if you need me.

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  5. It seems we pregnant ladies have to take 'patient as advocate' to a whole different level! We have to be our own advocates, researchers, nurses, and even doctors. I wish your OB in WA would have been more proactive too. Like you said, the 'what ifs' are maddening. I am so grateful that your GA doctors seem to be very proactive. I am remembering your Olivia, Jacob and Jordan while cheering on Samuel. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Sending love and hugs your way!

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  6. I've often been in awe when talking to you about Herman and the level of grace you have towards him. You are a better person than me. Yes, those what ifs never go away. Still so glad you are or seem to be in much better hands this time around.

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  7. I have never had a doctor concerned about kick counts. They ask if I am doing them and Ill say yes, with Megan i did notice she didnt move as much at the end and told them that as well. But 'thats normal, lack of room' is the answer i got from Dr. herman as well. I only see him for the end of my pregnancys though, I see a genearl practioner for most of my pregnancy. The same doctor who took care of Megan, so when i call freaking out he talks to me, not the nurse. I have his email and can email whatever i want. Its comforting knowingn that no matter what my fears are with this pregnacy a doctor will listen to me. A little to late i suppose. Thinking o fyou.
    Those what ifs never go away. I often want to blame my doctor for Megans death. I mean hell he saw her for a 18 month check up the day before. But then i remember I never said HEY OMG I HAVE THIS HORRIBLE FEAE THAT SHE WILL DIE. I was so worried about all her fevers those last few months but all i could do was document them and continue bringing her in. I hate the what ifs. My oldest just had a pee test because i thought she had a bladder infection, she has a moderate amount of blood in her urine and knowing that dad growing up had that as well (no infections by the way) it put me on a research rampage looking to see if there was some kind of genetic kidney/bladder thing that kills you and is missed on autopsy. It never ends.

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  8. Katie, i reccomend Dr. Sorenson for another ob. But if you are military, she isn't in the network and her office doesn't like to work with standard at all. She is really awesome though way more hands on than herman and her office is jsut a block away

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