Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Another dreaded moment...

So today was one of those days where I knew I'd face something less than desirable...having to update yet another person about Liv's death. This particular event occurred at the dentist. Even without this added bonus, I dread going every 6 months. I used to get bad news every time I went, so it has never been something to look forward to. Luckily, that's not the case anymore, but still...

Anyways...I went in for my standard 6 month cleaning this afternoon. The last time I was there, I was almost 8 months pregnant. So, of course, the conversation was all about Liv and her upcoming arrival. Well, the hygienist that I always have remembered that and asked about the new baby. She was excited -- as anyone would be. I had to calmly tell her that unfortunately, Liv was stillborn. Much to my surprise, she just said, "oh," in a light hearted manner and continued humming while cleaning my teeth. I thought to myself, gee what a way to respond! Not that I'm fishing for sympathy here, but wow. A few minutes later, she asked -- in an excited voice -- if we were planning on having more kids. I said that we weren't sure and that we're still trying to figure things out after Liv's death. Well, that's when the light bulb came on -- or really, the translation clicked. You see, my hygienist is originally from Korea. She had married a soldier many years ago and came back to the States with him after his tour. I suppose the first response got lost in translation. However, it all made sense now and she was on the verge of tears. She said, "Oh my gosh! And to have to go through the whole pregnancy only to lose her! How heartbreaking!" I just agreed and let her continue on with the cleaning. I wasn't necessarily trying to start a whole conversation about Liv's death, but simply wanted to answer her questions. It's not easy to carry on a conversation during a dental cleaning anyways.

After all of that, my hygienist tried to find positive things for us to look forward -- like James' upcoming redeployment. She knew he's been gone since last summer and said how she's glad we'll have time together here soon. Before the end of the appointment she paused in sadness, gave me a hug, and told me to try and take care. It was sweet of her...

Times like today are just so hard. I'm almost glad for outlets like Facebook. After first finding out Liv's heart had stopped, I was in such shock (and knew there was no way I was going to start calling people) that I announced it online through my Blackberry. I didn't want to talk to anyone but James and, of course, there was no way I could call him. Granted, I know finding out online isn't exactly the best way, but at the time, it was easier on this end. I hate having to deal with that first confrontation with people after the horrid tragedy. It sucks having to let them know of the bad news when they think I'm in heaven with a 5 month old baby girl by now. I remember dealing with this mess after Jake, and now here we are again...

1 comment:

  1. i remember that feeling. almost like you have to comfort someone else for your child's death. bleh.

    keep going. <3

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