Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Livy's 5 Month Angelversary...

So I'm a few days late on writing this post...Has it really been 5 months since saying good bye to our daughter? Part of me is still numb to the whole thing. I guess with each day comes a different response -- anger, tears, a slight smile when thinking about her beauty or looking at her pictures, heartache, panic, a glimpse of a possibly hopeful future, etc. Yeah, the emotions are clearly still all over the place.

I recently got a very kind email from someone telling me how they can see the hope slowly coming back when reading my blog. Sometimes I feel like it's all a facade. That I'm not really finding that genuine hope, but if I coach myself enough and say it aloud, maybe one day it really will be there. I feel like I have to constantly tell myself that things will get better and that we WILL have something good happen later down the road after all of this hell that we've gone through. I have yet to believe that nonsense, but it hasn't stopped me from repeating it. In fact, I have some days (few and far between, but they are there) where I nearly convince myself, but more often then not, as soon as I coach myself in a positive manner, I shoot it right back down. The glass is most definitely half empty on this end, but maybe with enough conditioning, my mindset will change.

I may still have a long LONG way to go in finding hope, but there are some areas in the healing process in which time has slightly helped. For the most part, I am now able to walk past Liv's room with more acceptance than before. It may still require a deep sigh and a tear or two, but I'm able to do it. Knowing that we may possibly be moving in a few months, I have gone into Liv's room a few times to organize things a little better. In fact, I was in there earlier tonight putting more of her things in rubbermaids that were previously stacked up in the closet. That room is starting to look more and more like a storage unit than a nursery. It sucks. The whole thing freaking sucks...

Well, here's to looking forward to Liv's 6 month angelversary. By then, there will be more healing and James will be even closer to getting home. It will hopefully be the last one I have to endure alone...

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