After church this morning, we headed on over to Target to grab a few things and while we were there, we decided to pick out Samuel's baby blanket. It's one that's nearly identical to Olivia's, but instead of pink accents, it has blue ones. When we got home, I put it with Sam's stuff -- still leaving the tags on with the receipt next to it. A little while later, James decided to check it out and as he went to go get the scissors to cut the tags off, I mentioned how I was going to keep them on *just in case*...that's right...just in case he passes away, we have the option of returning it. Just as I said that, James replied with, "Well, either way...he will use it or we will bury him in it." I paused and just remained silent after that. I mean, I agreed with that statement, but how awful is it that we even have to think like that?!?! I guess it only makes sense. Olivia was as healthy as Sam appears to be, yet we never got to bring her home. What makes us think Sam will be any different? We can HOPE that he will be, but realistically, we know that there is another possible ending. Clearly, that fear hasn't gone away and I don't know that it ever will. I wish that we could be like the blissful families that buy everything at the onset of finding out the sex and just expect a healthy child. We nearly got there with Olivia. After we passed the mile marker of when we lost Jake, we felt like she was going to make it. We sure learned our lesson with that one! Even with that sigh of relief, we still lost her for no reason at the very end. Because of it, we now have fears of losing Sam up until the moment we possibly hear him cry. We can only hope that the glorious sound of a little man crying is one that we get to hear in 2-3 weeks. In the meantime, I suppose we'll continue to have conversations like this...
It sure does suck. We have had similar conversations where we stop and say, "how sad is it that we think this way now?" But how can we not, we have been through the worst possible scenario. All we have ever known of pregnancy and childbirth is devastation so it is natural for our minds to just go there.
ReplyDeleteHere's to hoping that sweet Sam crying at the top of his "little white boy" lungs in a few weeks :)
It's only very understandible after going through such loss. Like you said, you've been through things that not very many people have faced, or should ever face. But you have an army (no pun intended lol) of family & friends who continually pray for you, James, and Sam. There is always power in prayer! We love you my dear dear friend and can't wait until we see those beautilful pictures and funny videos as he grows. I have faith that God is holding you in His hand. ♥
ReplyDeleteThis truly is the reality of a babylost family. I have suffered multiple losses as well, and it's such a kick in the gut (understatement!) to be so worried and careful and cautious and leave all the tags on after a loss only to lose AGAIN to something completely UNRELATED. Just not freaking fair. I know life isn't supposed to be fair, but come on. Enough is enough, right? I relate to so much you just wrote and want to add - society packages pregnancy up as this shiny glittery happy blissful experience when the reality is that it is life or death for all parties involved. Why can't we as a society acknowledge that? And yet I'd give anything to go back and be blissfully naive and unaware. I remember when I registered at Babies R Us the workers there told me that sometimes women would take their pregnancy test IN THE BATHROOM there and then start immediately registering for their showers. *barf* Wishing you peaceful moments during this rough yet exciting chapter in your lives.
ReplyDeleteheartbreaking. love you
ReplyDeleteMy goodness --- this is the 3rd time I have written. It keeps erasing when I put in the verification code. Grrr! :)
ReplyDeleteI have enjoyed reading your blog. Thanks for sharing. I too am a military wife. We lost 4 pregnancies while stationed in England (miscarriage and ectopic) only to just recently lose our precious Isaac at 21 weeks (we are stateside now). I delivered a healthy little boy after the 4 losses (2 1/2 years ago) so we thought there was nothing to worry about with Isaac. Little did we know... I remember being so worried the entire time I was pregnant with E and never really bonded with him because of it. The night before he was scheduled to be delivered, we prayed for a miracle. It seemed so strange to be praying for such a thing when so many just took it for granted. Now we don't know if we'll ever have another although we long to finish out our family. I can't imagine your concern right now and pray that all will go well. I will be anxious to hear of his safe and healthy arrival. Big hugs!
I found your blog and have been doing some catch-up reading. HUGE congratulations on your beautiful, perfect son. He seriously is amazingly cute. I just showed this post to my husband and we both nodded our heads in total understanding. I remember buying breast pads, and saying, well, either way, I'll need them. I only had a few baby items washed before I had my son because I wanted to be able to return the items if something went wrong. So so sad. And it makes the arrival of your healthy son so much sweeter!!
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