Friday, March 4, 2011

A Moment Of Grief...

It sure does a good job of sneaking its ugly little head into various situations, doesn't it?

Today started out great -- including the laugh from that Tom Hanks video. Yet, it wasn't long before the constant yearning for our daughter and insane feeling of missing her took hold due to a trigger...

I found out that a friend of ours is having a girl. That in itself shouldn't give such a trigger -- at least I didn't expect it to. I mean, I'm super happy for them and was anxious to hear the results of their appointment today -- in hopes that all went well! Yet for some reason, sadness overwhelmed me after the initial joy that I had for them. Why? Because our sweet Livy should be here.

It really has nothing to do with my friend...nothing. Yet, just the thought of a baby girl...I don't know. I'm super excited about our little Sambo, and pray daily that we will get to bring him home -- unlike his siblings. But at the same time, I miss Olivia so incredibly much that I can barely stand it. Today's news just made me miss her even more. I suppose only someone in our shoes would understand such feelings -- the happiness for my friend, yet the sadness that looms over me...

Totally unrelated, yet not...I've thought on and off about the clothes that we have for Livy -- which ones need to be packed away for good and which ones can be passed on to her little brother. Obviously, we can pull out what we had for Jake many years ago -- granted, there wasn't much since we lost him so soon. I've said to James that in the privacy of our own home, Sam might get stuck wearing a few pink onesies and sleepers to bed. I mean, why not? No pictures will be taken for blackmail, nor would anyone witness such cruel acts but us...

When I packed away Liv's stuff last spring -- the initial step after losing her -- it mainly included accessories, bedding, etc. I left her clothes hanging in the closet, and when the movers came, they hung them in a wardrobe box just as they were so that when we got here to GA, I hung them right back up in the new closet. That was the one thing that has always remained. If I go in Liv's (soon to be Samuel's) room, her clothes hang in there as if nothing ever happened. So, while having my moment of really missing her earlier today (assuming you know what I mean by that...we miss her 24/7, but there are those moments of heart-wrenching sadness that occasionally take over), I took those that were hanging up and packed them away in a decorative storage box that was gifted to us at her funeral. I know it had to be done. I mean, it should've been done months ago, but I just always refused to go there and deal with it. But today was the day. As I folded up each girly outfit, I thought of the reason why I bought it or why it was gifted to us -- the first time she was to meet her dad at the airport, her Easter dress, the baby shower gifts, etc. -- then folded them and put them in that box. Hopefully one day, Olivia will have a little sister that gets to wear them...maybe.

I'm sure this rambling is all over the place. I'm just having one of those moments...or days. I know there are people who think that now that we have possible hope again with Samuel, all of the sadness has been masked or taken away...that we're "over" our daughter's death and have "moved on." In fact, I'm not going to name names, but I've even had several people come up to me and say such nonsense over the past few months. They claim that they can tell from the words on my blog (and/or Facebook) that James and I are doing "great." Honestly, hearing things like that makes me want to vomit. For as many high days that we have because of Samuel, we have just as many low ones because of our other three angels. I'll never understand how people can think they can accurately perceive how we're really holding up by a few words written on the internet...

On a side note, while typing this out, one of my sisters called and brought a smile to my face. Just as I said hello, she started randomly singing (loudly), "When it rains, look for the rainbow..." Unless you were brought up listening to Christian children's music (specifically songs from the album, I am God's Project), you are probably unfamiliar with this song and unfortunately, I can't find it on YouTube to play a clip of it...but it was kind of perfect considering my mood. She obviously had no idea as to how my day was going -- yet that song came to her mind and wanted to know if I remembered it from our childhood. Thanks, Deb.


  1. I know how you feel about the baby girl clothes. My daughter's clothes were the last things I put away as well. I didn't have a lot for her; only one drawer, but I just couldn't stand the thought of packing them away.
    Here's to being brave and making room for little blue pyjamas!!
    Prayers to you and your family...

  2. oh girl ... i'm so sorry and can't imagine putting all of her sweet clothes away. i don't think there is a certain time at all.....or that anytime is 'right'. big hugs for you. i can't imagine anyone thinking just because samuel is cooking in your belly would take away your pain for olivia! :( i'm gonna really start praying for those around you to think before they speak! thinking of you!

  3. Sounds like you had a really hard day. What a big step for packing away Liv's things. I can't imagine doing that yet. I am just not ready to give up that last bit. As you have seen, Harper's closet looks much like one that you described...clothes hanging perfectly like someone actually lives in that room. It is just so hard to let go.

    I am sorry that you have been surrounded by insensitive types. There are only a select few of us that understand that just because we have new hope, it certainly does not or will it ever take away the pain and longing we have for our angels.

    Lots of love to you!!

  4. Oh friend, I am so sorry. That is a tough, tough, tough day. I know your friend was just sharing something about her's so hard for people to know how they really affect us...

    Thinking of you today. And praying for a perfect peace that surpasses all understanding for you today and the rest of this pregnancy. I went to the doctor yesterday....with good news (no anencephaly), but now I"m worried about ALL the other things that could go wrong.

    It's hard to live in HOPE.

  5. I am so sorry for your extra rough day :( I wish I could be there with you to help you and just be there for you, although I probably don't help the case due to Abigail, but if you need me, I'm here. I can't even imagine what you've been through or what you are going through and dealing with each day. Just know there are a lot of us, especially me, thinking about you, Olivia, and your family all the time, sometimes stalker like :) You know me.. I hope today can be a little bit better, email/text me anytime.

  6. I am so sorry that Friday brought so many hard moments. My heart aches thinking about you putting away all of Olivia's items. The should have beens are so painful and unfair.
    It is also really hard to deal with people's blind optimism and complete ignorance when it comes to rainbow pregnancies. I always appreciate those who will just be open to the very real grief that we will always carry. A baby on the way doesn't erase the memories of your other children. I always sense that stupid comments are made as a self defense mechanism of the person making said comments. I am sending you big hugs, lots of love, and tons of support. <3 <3 <3