A Moment Of Grief...

It sure does a good job of sneaking its ugly little head into various situations, doesn't it?

Today started out great -- including the laugh from that Tom Hanks video. Yet, it wasn't long before the constant yearning for our daughter and insane feeling of missing her took hold due to a trigger...

I found out that a friend of ours is having a girl. That in itself shouldn't give such a trigger -- at least I didn't expect it to. I mean, I'm super happy for them and was anxious to hear the results of their appointment today -- in hopes that all went well! Yet for some reason, sadness overwhelmed me after the initial joy that I had for them. Why? Because our sweet Livy should be here.

It really has nothing to do with my friend...nothing. Yet, just the thought of a baby girl...I don't know. I'm super excited about our little Sambo, and pray daily that we will get to bring him home -- unlike his siblings. But at the same time, I miss Olivia so incredibly much that I can barely stand it. Today's news just made me miss her even more. I suppose only someone in our shoes would understand such feelings -- the happiness for my friend, yet the sadness that looms over me...

Totally unrelated, yet not...I've thought on and off about the clothes that we have for Livy -- which ones need to be packed away for good and which ones can be passed on to her little brother. Obviously, we can pull out what we had for Jake many years ago -- granted, there wasn't much since we lost him so soon. I've said to James that in the privacy of our own home, Sam might get stuck wearing a few pink onesies and sleepers to bed. I mean, why not? No pictures will be taken for blackmail, nor would anyone witness such cruel acts but us...

When I packed away Liv's stuff last spring -- the initial step after losing her -- it mainly included accessories, bedding, etc. I left her clothes hanging in the closet, and when the movers came, they hung them in a wardrobe box just as they were so that when we got here to GA, I hung them right back up in the new closet. That was the one thing that has always remained. If I go in Liv's (soon to be Samuel's) room, her clothes hang in there as if nothing ever happened. So, while having my moment of really missing her earlier today (assuming you know what I mean by that...we miss her 24/7, but there are those moments of heart-wrenching sadness that occasionally take over), I took those that were hanging up and packed them away in a decorative storage box that was gifted to us at her funeral. I know it had to be done. I mean, it should've been done months ago, but I just always refused to go there and deal with it. But today was the day. As I folded up each girly outfit, I thought of the reason why I bought it or why it was gifted to us -- the first time she was to meet her dad at the airport, her Easter dress, the baby shower gifts, etc. -- then folded them and put them in that box. Hopefully one day, Olivia will have a little sister that gets to wear them...maybe.

I'm sure this rambling is all over the place. I'm just having one of those moments...or days. I know there are people who think that now that we have possible hope again with Samuel, all of the sadness has been masked or taken away...that we're "over" our daughter's death and have "moved on." In fact, I'm not going to name names, but I've even had several people come up to me and say such nonsense over the past few months. They claim that they can tell from the words on my blog (and/or Facebook) that James and I are doing "great." Honestly, hearing things like that makes me want to vomit. For as many high days that we have because of Samuel, we have just as many low ones because of our other three angels. I'll never understand how people can think they can accurately perceive how we're really holding up by a few words written on the internet...

On a side note, while typing this out, one of my sisters called and brought a smile to my face. Just as I said hello, she started randomly singing (loudly), "When it rains, look for the rainbow..." Unless you were brought up listening to Christian children's music (specifically songs from the album, I am God's Project), you are probably unfamiliar with this song and unfortunately, I can't find it on YouTube to play a clip of it...but it was kind of perfect considering my mood. She obviously had no idea as to how my day was going -- yet that song came to her mind and wanted to know if I remembered it from our childhood. Thanks, Deb.