Thursday, February 24, 2011

I Gave In...

So, until now, I have sworn up and down that I would not buy anything for Samuel until he was born -- assuming he's healthy. With our track record, James and I both agreed that we should hold off on getting ANYTHING until then. Of course, I ended up breaking that pact today. I know...I've gone and lost my mind!

After meeting with a friend for lunch (which was great!), I wandered on over to Old Navy just to see if I was mistaken in thinking that they didn't carry any maternity clothes -- it was too tempting not to since it was in the same parking lot. Well, just as I maternity clothes. However, they sure did have cute baby clothes that kept calling my name. For the heck of it, I walked over towards that section and was immediately torn. Like any baby clothes department, you see all of the girl stuff on one side and the boy stuff on the other. So as I stood there in the middle, I couldn't help but think of what I had bought for Olivia -- along with what I wish I was still buying for her -- as well as what we could possibly be getting for Samuel. I quickly browsed through -- basically tormenting myself...I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment -- and saw several things that we would be getting if Sam makes it. Then the weakness took hold...the clearance section...I know I'm not the only one that has this serious weakness. I couldn't help but check it out. I really had no intention to actually purchase anything, but what does it hurt to look? That's when they got me. I saw a super cute shirt that I couldn't help but grab for Sam. I kept thinking about how I knew we said we wouldn't get him anything just yet, but I couldn't resist. Darn that temptation. I should've never even gone in that store!

So now hangs a shirt for Samuel next to all of Olivia's clothes in the would-be nursery's closet. When James heard of this particular purchase, he wasn't too keen about it. In fact, he had no interest in even seeing or talking about it, as it's just too painful. I figured that would be the case before I even mentioned it. To be honest, I almost didn't even bother mentioning it, because I knew this was a crazy purchase to begin with! (I really must be losing it...I didn't even buy anything for Liv this early on!) It's scary to think of what could happen, but also kind of exciting if things turn out like they should. I wish we were able to find a better balance between the fear and excitement, but such is life, right?

Tomorrow marks 21 weeks. We're slowly getting closer to a possibly positive outcome. Saturday marks the point in the pregnancy when my water broke with Jacob (21w1d). I know what I'll be doing that day...absolutely NOTHING. I have the very first Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope Face2Face gathering that day, but aside from that, my butt will be laying on that couch!

Here's hoping we have a very uneventful weekend, allowing us to get one step closer to a healthy son!


  1. I hope you have a very uneventful weekend too!

    I've lost 3 babies now, one at 21 weeks, one at 5 weeks and one at 10 weeks. I acutally bought something for the 10 weeker when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, but I did it and I enjoyed it.

    I've talked to my husband about whether or not to buy anything while pregnant next time. His opinion is that buying clothes or noth buying clothes won't make the baby live or die. If you brings you some happiness, then do it. You never know what is going to happen, but life is lived in moments and if buying that shirt made you happy that moment, then it is good you bought it.

    I didn't buy anything for Jacob (my 21 weeker) before he died. I was supposed to go to NY a few weeks after losing him, where I was going to get him lots of stuff. I have always felt badly about that, as if it somehow meant that I wasn't excited enough.

    I'm glad you bought the shirt for Samuel.

  2. I agree with what Dana said: "Life is lived in moments."

    It's scary not knowing what the outcome would be this time around but with our losses, we all know only too well that this part is beyond our control. We can't be blissfully and naively happy anymore and sometimes this makes it hard to find the balance.

    I'd say don't hold back from enjoying this pregnancy because what you have is here and now. Revel in the small joy that the shirt for Samuel brought to you in that moment. It's okay, dear mama. Please allow yourself to give in to temptation for this little one. He deserves it. :)

    I hope this 21st week would be uneventful for you and Sam. <3

  3. I am glad that you bought the shirt! I completely agree with the ladies that life is lived in moments and I know that buying that made you feel happy and hopeful! I guess I missed the face2face meeting...I am not even sure I knew it was going to happen...I hope it went well!

  4. This is a huge's a step in realizing that this could really happen. That Sam could be here with you on Earth someday soon. You have been through so much heartache, and I'm sure that's what James is thinking too. Just not wanting to get your hopes up...but I think it's healthy, Priscilla. I really do. I find that I want to buy baby things just thinking about having a baby again. And you know my situation... So, hugs to you, sweet mama, for finding a way to think about the positives of this pregnancy, despite all the anxiety. Enjoy the ride and every single moment. Thinking about you always.

  5. I hope the Faces get together went well this weekend! Happy week 21! I hope that this week is uneventful and smooth. Each milestone is a victory <3 I understand your mixed emotions about the purchase. It makes perfect sense to hold back and wait to see what happens. But it is also so tempting to challenge the fear and do what thousands and thousands of pregnant women take for granted...preapre for their baby! I think it's great that you gave in to the moment. That shirt will always be Samuel's. And hopefully he will be wearing it in just a few months. Sending you supportive hugs and lots of love! <3 <3 <3