Thursday, November 11, 2010

In Need Of Finding A Balance...

So with the new pregnancy has come even more thoughts of Liv on a constant basis. Even before this pregnancy came about, she's always been on my mind and we constantly talk about her throughout the day, but even more so now. We keep finding ourselves saddened by the fact that while we have this new baby growing inside me, we wish so badly Liv was here and that we weren't in these shoes. Don't get me wrong...we're super excited that we have this new hope and possibility of a healthy child in the future, but at the same time, we long for the child that we lost last year. Not to mention the fact that (what would be) her 1st Birthday is coming up in a little over a month. We should be shopping for birthday presents and planning a party, not worrying about the first OB checkup and planning a balloon release...

So many thoughts. So many wishes. So much sadness -- yet so much happiness. Talk about a ball of emotions! I find myself feeling guilty for having certain thoughts that I have, but just as I think those thoughts, I realize how happy I am about this new baby. Where is the middle ground? Is there one? Just as I find myself getting excited, I start to wonder if I should bother. Am I only going to get my hopes up? I don't even want to think about going through loss again so soon. Whenever I talk to close friends or family, the word "if" is entered into everything I say. It's not *when* we have this baby, it's *if* we have a healthy child. Many try to convince me to think positively and reiterate the fact that we WILL have a healthy child this time around. They constantly try to encourage me by telling me that there are lots of people praying for us, and that they know that this time will be different. While that's encouraging, it's still hard not to think in a very cautious manner.

Since finding out about Baby #4 and feeling some of the usual symptoms, we've braved up and stepped foot into a couple stores that have been on our avoidance list since Liv died -- one of them being Babies R Us. We haven't been to BRU since buying Liv's burial outfit just before we flew out for the funeral -- talk about torture! So yeah...While we were out on a little date night recently, James decided that he wanted to go in there. We wouldn't be buying anything yet (probably not until we carry a healthy child into this home will we buy anything!), but he just wanted to look around. The realization that we're back in this position allowed for some excitement, so we took advantage of it. Unfortunately, that excitement was shadowed by sadness. As we looked around, we either saw things that we had already bought for Liv, planned to buy for Liv, or cute outfits that we should be buying for her now. We found ourselves looking at different outfits and commenting on how we wish Liv was here to wear them. I guess until we see a good ultrasound, showing a healthy baby thus far, I won't really start to get too much into thinking and planning for Baby #4. I suppose it's just part of that defense mechanism that comes with previous loss. Ugh.

If and when the time DOES come, I think the first thing I will buy for this child is a book that I heard about this past spring -- a book meant for siblings who have older brothers or sisters in Heaven. Assuming Baby #4 makes it, he/she will for sure know about the siblings that came before him/her. When I heard about this book, I knew I wanted it, but I wanted to wait until we were at a point to where we actually needed it. Here's hoping it will be in our Amazon shopping cart in 8 months or so...

Perhaps James can draw in two more angels above the rocking chair...

Well, here's to a mix of emotions that result from being in this sort of situation. Mixing sadness with happiness, and trying to find a happy medium. We love you Livy, just as we love our (now) other three as well! Hopefully you'll get a healthy brother or sister to look after in the coming months!


  1. I have been thinking abut this book lately. Thanks for posting because I could not remember the title. BRU is hard for us too, we have not been back since...

  2. ((HUGS)) I wish I could be down in Benning to help you through all these emotions, even if I'm just an ear to listen because I know I can in no way understand. I'm happy you have been able to find some hope even though the pain and grief will always be there. If you ever need to talk I'm only a text away. Know that we are praying for you everyday.

  3. Thank you for sharing this book. I had not heard of it but will certainly be adding it to my list of children's books. I am sending prayers and hopeful wishes that baby #4 will be the rainbow you and James have been longing for. Jake, Jordan, and Olivia are watching over you and their little sibling. <3 <3 <3 Hugs and love to you all!

  4. I'm not in your situation. I could only imagine how hard finding that middle ground is. Keeping hope and grief in the balance - it's mind-boggling and emotionally exhausting at the same time. It takes courage to be on this journey amid your losses. And I'm praying for unending strength and courage for you and James. Here's to Baby 4's health. <3 <3 <3

  5. Now that I'm 7 months pregnant the "if we have a baby" have slowly turned into "when we have a baby". The change came slowly and quietly and neither my husband nor I made a conscious effort. It just happened, I think because even though you don't believe it will happen there does have to be some planning before the baby comes.

    The thing that gets me is when other people say it: "when". I know they don't understand the loss of a baby but I don't want anyone to assume we are going to have a baby.

    We haven't been in BRU yet and I don't want to go until we have this baby. Lately though I have been trying to make sure I do those things I did last time with this baby-changing the room around a little and making handmade things especially for this little one.

    It is such an emotional roller coaster. I wish you peace and strength with Baby #4.

  6. I am so very sorry for your losses. Congratulations on this new journey and you will be in my prayers tonight. I found you through FOL. My own story is there. I actually searched you by putting in ashermans, olympia washington and your FOL page was the first one to show up.

  7. I know its so much for you to go through right now...barely enough time for digesting Olivia being gone and now an entire different set of emotions to deal with. I have to say however I never knew you went to BRUS to get Olivia's outfit. I think you are about the strongest person I have ever met.