Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A constant struggle...

So earlier while on Facebook, I saw my Daily Bible Scripture and felt like it was exactly what I needed to read -- even though reading it frustrates me at times. It said, "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." (Romans 12:12) While I know that's exactly what we need to do, it's sometimes hard. I think this is what I'm struggling with the most.

I feel it's somewhat easy to rejoice in hope. Sometimes hope is all we have! Granted, right now I feel that is lacking. Our pregnancy with Liv brought us hope, and boy were we constantly thanking God for that! However, that sense of hope was pretty much shattered and now we're back at square one. With James being where he is, the constant changes in the schedule, and those he gets the joy of working with, we keep holding out hope that our PCS this fall will bring something good. In trials and tribulation, if nothing else, you've got to try and focus on the hope for what great things MIGHT possibly come your way in the future. Do I always rejoice in that? Not so much, but I know I should. In times like this, the only way to run across a glimpse of joy is through hope...

The next part..."be patient in tribulation"...Yeah, I feel as though that's near impossible at the moment. If anything, patience is not in my vocabulary right now. Of course, the Army is kind of forcing it upon us. With keeping James away for 6 months after Liv's birth, we're learning patience. Everything's on hold until he gets home, so all we can do is wait and attempt to be patient. Once he gets home, then we can get the ball rolling in many ways -- testing with the high risk docs, finally grieving Liv's death (together), getting out of this awful unit, etc. Progress will surely be made when this deployment is over. Until then, like this verse reminds me, patience should be top priority...

Lastly, "be constant in prayer." While I continue to pray daily, and continue to try and remain faithful, I sometimes feel it's all worthless. All the prayers said, all the conversation with God throughout the day, and the continual hope that things will turn up...I feel like it all just keeps getting stomped on. God may answer all prayers, but clearly more often than not, the answers are not in our favor. At least it has been feeling that way during the past year. I suppose even if we don't get the answers we want (I'm starting to forget what that feels like!), we need to be faithful and never cease in our prayers. Every once in awhile, we may witness a shockingly good answer -- like that mission being cancelled. It was a small, but great answer to a prayer. I just hope that someday, our constant prayer for a family and a healthy child will lead to a blessing...

Thinking about this verse reminds me of the various comments I have heard regarding my faith since we lost Liv. All I can think is, no matter how hard things may be and no matter how angry I may get, I know that even if I want to turn away, that's not the right decision. If we don't have hope and faith in God, what do we have? Nothing on this earth will give us the joy or satisfaction that comes from Him. It's most definitely a battle though when facing trials -- such as separation and death. There are many times where I just want to hold up the white flag and give up, but where would that leave me? Continuing to pray, attempting patience during these hard times, and remaining hopeful for what is to come...It's such a struggle, but knowing that is what God asks of us to do is what keeps us hanging on...

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for being real. I appreciate that about you and believe that God is using these very hard times to grow in you a faith that stands regardless of the circumstances. Your life is a testimony to me of what it means to walk by faith and not by sight.

    What is the PCS in the fall? Is that James' next assignment?

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  2. Thanks. I just wish the first loss would've been sufficient in building that faith. Jake's death did bring us closer to God, and so did the second loss. Liv's death, on the other hand, leaned closer to the final straw and has been more of a struggle. However, why give up now?

    PCS is a permanent change of duty station. We most likely will be moving to GA this fall.

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