Sunday, February 21, 2010

Ups and Downs...

So the day started out fairly well. Oba didn't interrupt my sleep all that much so I actually woke up refreshed. As I got going, I felt somewhat encouraged with the day ahead. In fact, so much so that I figured I'd be up for going to our church service tonight. I got together a list of errands I thought I'd run ahead of time and then head to church afterwards. Well, the errands got shot, because I got distracted with getting on the elliptical (I guess that's not such a bad thing!) and getting some things together for a care package to James. By the time I finally got ready to leave and get Oba in his crate, the church service had already started. I wasn't too bummed about that though, since that meant I could sneak in and avoid talking to anyone. So I finally got there and the room was dark, as they were playing some video about the Islam faith overseas. I snuck in and sat down where there was an area that didn't seem to be around any parents of babies. Unfortunately, that lasted about 3 minutes. Not long after I sat down, someone came in and sat behind me with their infant daughter. Lovely. I couldn't help but focus more on every noise coming from the infant rather than the video and later the words spoken by our pastor. So when I had the chance, I got up and moved elsewhere. However, it didn't help. By that point, I was done. All I could think about was Liv and my day went straight down hill. As much as I fought to try and focus and put that in the back of my head, there was no use. So I got up and just left.

Every time I think I'm ready for this crap, I get proven wrong. I wish James was home. I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone right now. As I was walking out of the church, a friend saw me in the foyer and yelled my name in excitement, but all I could do was smile, wave, and keep walking. I couldn't help but just break down once I got to the car. This freaking sucks. I hate that we have to go through this again. I can't help but look at those with their healthy little infants, without a care in the world, without much frustration. I want that to be us, but it never will be. Even if God does bless us with a healthy child, we'll still struggle with all of this. We'll never forget the hurt we've gone through with our first three kids. Man...is it June yet? I think tonight's experience just reiterated the fact that I'm going to have to keep my distance from our church for a little while. Apparently I'm not strong enough to deal with that yet.

So after that joyous experience, I scratched the errands that I had figured I could do after church, and just went home. Oba, of course, ran straight to the closet. So there we sat...I in Liv's room thinking about her, and Oba in the closet. Such fun. I gave up for the night, and decided I'd go to bed early. Being that it was only 7:30pm, I was kind of pushing it since I usually stay up until 2-3am. However, I figured I may as well look forward to a better day tomorrow. Luckily, something unexpected happened. My phone started blinking while I was sitting on the glider, signaling that I had an email. It was from none other than the hubby. Nice surprise. Just when I needed it, there it was. I went to the laptop hoping that meant he would soon get on instant message, which sure enough was the case. He apparently had quite the crappy day himself, but at least we could vent to each other. I may not be able to fathom what he's going through - you know, all the crap that you deal with when you're at war - but I can at least be there to listen and support him in it. It was a true blessing that he was able to stay online for over an hour. By the end of our conversation, I was in much better spirits. Amazing what a little conversation with your best friend can do to help calm the situation. We were both able to go away in a better mood.

Being the night owl that I am, I didn't bother with calling it a night after my conversation with Jamie. I decided I may as well make dinner, rather than skip it like originally planned when I had first gotten home. I never have much of an appetite when James is gone, but even more so lately. While pregnant, I had to force myself to eat so that Liv wouldn't be starved to death, but with it just being me now, I really don't care if I skip a meal. I'll eat when I'm hungry. Anyways, so I ate and ended up hanging out with Oba for a bit. After my lovely evening, I figured it called for a bit longer on the elliptical. Oba followed me to the office and sat there staring at me while I did that. It's almost nice that he can't handle being alone at times. He is always there to keep you company...even when that evil elliptical machine gets in the way.

Now here I sit at almost 1am, and not even remotely tired. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Depression subsided so now I'm not ready to go sleep the sorrows away. Instead, I guess I'll see if this Netflix rental is any good. Here's to another crazy day of ups and downs. I'd love it if one day soon it was just full of the ups part and none of the downs. Hum...maybe in a few more months...

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