Tuesday, January 5, 2010

3 weeks...

Well, it's been 3 weeks now since we said goodbye to our daughter. Hard to believe it's been that long already. Time has just stood still. It feels like it happened just yesterday, but yet to many around us, life has moved on and gone back to normal. It's amazing how quick the world around you can wipe the tears away and adjust back to their way of life without hesitation, while you sit in sadness still reliving the awfulness that played out. Not even a week after our loss, we got emails, voice mails, and Facebook comments about well wishes of a great Christmas, Birthday, and New Years. How can anyone think we were actually going to enjoy the holidays with what we just experienced? Are they that cold, or just completely blind? It amazes me with the comments I hear, and the ignorance that follows them.

While reading stories and research studies online, I realized that we are not alone in our thoughts, irritations, and complete frustrations. Everyone that has experienced a loss of a newborn seems to feel the same way. I suppose that is of some encouragement. Several people vented about the same comments that we have heard not only with Olivia, but with Jake and Jordan as well. "You're young, you'll be able to have more children." That used to be the most annoying comment, but I think I have a new one that tops the cake. Recently, someone told me, "Well at least you've been through this before so you know what to expect." Yeah, thanks. That didn't help. In fact, I think with this being our THIRD loss, it makes it all that much harder, NOT easier. With each loss, chunks of hope are torn away, and after a third loss, there's not much left. People can remind us all they want of stories of people they know that have lost several and have gone on to have successful pregnancies, but everyone's different. Just because they did doesn't mean we will. Every loss hurts, and it just pains you even more after they build up one after another. I hope to God that we are able to have a successful pregnancy next time, or who knows, maybe we'll just call it quits. After all, how many times can you say goodbye to a son or daughter without losing your sanity? No one should have to go through this once, let alone multiple times. If it's one thing we've realized after this shocking loss...we're not promised anything in life. James keeps saying that over and over. God never promised a healthy baby, and as much as we pray for one, that doesn't mean it will happen.

Well enough with me being Debby Downer. We have less than a week left until James heads back to the wonderful country of Afghanistan so we're trying (keyword, *trying*) to make the best of it. We've been making an effort to get out of the house as much as we can, but the only real place you can avoid seeing infants or adorable little girls is a bar, and that's not really our scene. Too bad it's cold and rainy, or we'd take Obadiah to the beach and just sit there and enjoy the scenery. That's one thing we can look forward to later this year when James redeploys...enjoying the pacific northwest and the beauty that it offers.

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