Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day...

October 15th has and always will be a special day to our family. It's a day to recognize and remember all babies gone too soon. At 7pm worldwide, everyone (who chooses to participate) is asked to light a candle to create a wave of light. I love that as Samuel gets older, he eagerly wants to participate and help with it. Tonight, he asked if he could light the candles (with my assistance) and as we did so, we talked about what they represented. We always light 3 -- one for each of our angels. It's such a little act, but has so much meaning…

On This Day...

So, Facebook has started this option called, "On This Day." It allows you to look back at various years in the past. Most of the time, I absolutely love it! I get to look back at little baby Sam and even baby Caleb now that he's not so little anymore. However, I've been thinking about how in the months to come, I might not enjoy it as much, as it will remind me of the events in 2009. Sure enough, today was one of those days…

The Last Eight Months...

I've often wanted to try and get on here, but it just never seems to happen. And now here we are...eight months later and just now blogging. I can't believe the last time I was on here was after Samuel's 2nd birthday in June. Sad, really.

I can honestly say, things have been going amazingly well. After Samuel turned 2, we took some leave and took him out to Disneyland, Los Angeles and the surrounding beaches, and finally San Diego. Oh, how wonderful it was to be able to go back there! We haven't been to San Diego since before our time in the Army, but it felt like we were going back home. James was ready to quit his job and stay, ha. We were able to do our typical family portraits with the tripod while out at La Jolla, too. Good times.

Return To Zero...

For those of you that know our story, you know that before having Samuel, we experienced the loss of our first 3 sweet babies - Jacob, Jordan and Olivia. There is no greater loss than that of a child. In hopes of bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, those of us in this unfortunate baby loss community are making a pledge to see an upcoming movie about such a heart-wrenching topic. 

Oh, So You Have 3 Babies At Home?

I hate that response. Hate it. I can't blame anyone in the medical field that gives it, but I still hate it. I mean, it should only be fair to assume that when given the amount of times I've been in the hospital -- and each time resulting in the delivery of a baby -- that yes, I would have 3 babies at home. However, in this family, that means nothing...

While at a doctor's appointment yesterday, I had to give the typical history to the nurse upon being seen. It's normal -- happens every time. Of course, depending on the questions they ask (and how detailed they want to get), it can get quite interesting. The first thing he asked was how many times I've spent any amount of time in a hospital. I said 3 -- all pregnancy-related. He quickly smiled and said, "Oh! So you have three babies at home!" I had to cut him off and say, "Not exactly." It's always fun going down this road, as I try to sum up our not-so-short history and they write it all down. As I briefly told him how we had 2 stillbirths/1 living, he paused, gave me a blank stare, and continued on. Heck, I didn't even bother going into detail on our miscarriage since that didn't require a hospital stay. It's always such a hassle having to explain it all...

So I got to the point of finally seeing my doc -- in hopes of finding out why I was horribly sick for 4 days and possibly get antibiotics -- and one of the first things she said was, "So I see you have 3 babies at home! How fun!!!" With a big huge smile. What? So the nurse decided to ask for the dates of each delivery (among other details), yet failed to write down anything beyond that? So I get to repeat myself all over again to the doc?! Thanks, bud. I'm sure if I saw my doc more than once a year, maybe this wouldn't sound odd and maybe she'd know me a little better. However, I've only seen this doc once before since moving here - we're still basically in that new-patient stage. So good times were had by all, as I got to retell our story briefly. Mind you, I wasn't expecting any of this to even come up in conversation -- after all, I was there for a totally unrelated reason...

I don't know why this bothered me more this time around than in the past, but it did. I suppose it has something to do with being in a general funk of missing our angels lately. Anything can trigger it, but the past week has been filled with new births, new pregnancy announcements and worst of all...new announcements of sweet little angels that were taken too soon. That's the worst. When you get a text or email, finding out yet another mom has joined the unfortunate ranks. You mix all of that with being stuck in bed for what felt like an entire week feeling horribly sick with nothing to do but look on Pinterest...yeah, you get constant moments of grieving over your babies that were gone too soon. I'm so thankful we have our sweet little Sam. I just wish so badly we also had Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia too.

If only we really did have "3 babies at home" or really...all 4 babies at home...

A Day Full Of Emotion...

Today was a great day. It was also a very sad day. While my sweet sister was welcoming her new daughter, Mackenzie Grace, into the world, a dear friend was grieving the loss of her sweet angel on what would have been her due date. Add in there the standard emotions that come with having our three in Heaven...

Oh, and the biased love for the name Mackenzie since that would have been Jacob's name had he been a girl... (ps. I'm glad you picked it, Deb!)

Yeah, it was a day full of emotion...

I'm just so incredibly thankful that while I have emotional days like today -- celebrating and grieving all at once -- I can do so with this handsome little man in my arms...

A Book About Samuel...

It finally took an expiring coupon code for a free photo book to finally get me in gear and create a book about Samuel's arrival. How has it been 15 months since he was this tiny? It seems like only yesterday...

Click here to view this photo book larger

The Adventures Of A 6 Week Old...

That's right, Samuel is six weeks old today! If you ask me, time is going by WAY too quickly! I tried to wish away the pregnancy with Sam and it crawled by about as slow as a turtle with a broken leg. Yet now that Sam's here, time won't slow down...

There were a couple firsts that happened over the last week, but before I get to those, I must talk about Samuel's visit with our wonderful OB and nurse earlier today. I had my 6 week postpartum appointment this morning, so (of course!) the little man came with me! Just as with many other friends and family, our OB and nurse were by our side during our entire pregnancy with Sam, so they were more than excited to see the growing (healthy) boy. It was great to see them both again, especially since the visit was full of joy and not stress as usual.

Here are a few pictures of Samuel with Dr. Stitt...

And here with my nurse, Deandre, who gave me the lovely weekly shots and NSTs...

We will never forget the great medical staff that we had during this pregnancy. Because of that, I wanted to make sure to have pictures to go along with Samuel's scrapbook if I ever get around to making one. I don't know how realistic it would be, but I think a trip up to see Dr. Gomez is in order -- assuming James can get a day off at some point. A picture of Samuel with our peri is a must!

After a wonderful appointment/visit, Samuel and I headed home and endured the dreaded tummy time. That's right, tummy time is now among the things loathed most by this little man. While it didn't bring on any tears today, it did last week. The horrible, awful, evil tummy time is what caused Samuel's first set of tears, ever. So while tummy time led to a nap this afternoon...

It was much different last week...

After such a pitiful reaction, he won that battle and didn't have to endure such evil for a few days after that. I'm sure if he had the option, he probably would've opted for another onesie after that horrible experience, ha.

Another first for Samuel over the last week was holding a bottle on his very own...

My sister, Rachelle, joked recently about how before we know, he'll be doing that...well...a few days after she said that, it came true. What's a starving boy to do?! I couldn't help but laugh out loud and, of course, text Rachelle a picture. Her response? "That overachiever...bring it!" I really think he's just trying to give me a run for my money and keep me alert. One day he'll do these crazy things that make me think he's trying to grow up way too fast, then the next day he goes back to needing assistance. Such a crazy little man...

Below are some random pictures from the last week that were uploaded with the others...

Love that smile of his...

A not-so-great family picture...

Surrounded by love...

Being loved on is tiring...

And leads to rejection, ha...

However, all is good while in dad's arms...

With as much as he gets to stare at his name, maybe that'll be the first thing he learns to spell...

Apparently posing for pictures is sleep-inducing...

Love that growing boy...

Right Where I Am...

I've continually seen friends do this blog topic over the last few months and being that our angels have constantly been on my mind lately (I suppose they always are!), I figured I'd follow suit. Typically, you're supposed to follow the title with the amount of time that has passed since you lost your angel. Well, considering there are three different dates for us, I wasn't going to bother...

So as I lay here with Sam sleeping on my chest, I continue to think about our angels that never got to come home with us. With our upcoming trip to Indy, I've constantly thought about Jake and Livy, specifically. We've been looking forward to this trip for awhile. It was originally going to happen over Labor Day weekend -- the same weekend that marks the 8th Angelversary of our first son, Jacob Tyler. Because of that, we were looking forward to having a family member watch Samuel for a couple hours while we go out to dinner at Morton's in honor of our first son. We always try to do something to honor him on his day and last year consisted of dinner at Morton's among other things, so we thought we would do that again. However, our trip has been pushed up by a few weeks -- immediately making me think of the change in plans for Jake's day. Sure, we'll still go out and celebrate, but it will be a little early...

I suppose all of that may sound minor, but since we can't celebrate with Jake, his Angelversary prompts a lot of thoughts as it nears each year. We will forever long to hold that little guy again and miss him with each day that passes. He's always on our minds and the moment I hear of a little guy with his name, he's the first person that I think of. Not to mention the fact that when I look at Sam, I think of Jake and wonder if he would've acted the same way, given the same looks, etc. After all, he was Samuel's big bro and took after his dad with his physical characteristics -- much like Sam. When I look at the calender, I still can't believe that on September 4th, it will mark 8 years since we said goodbye to our little Jacob Tyler. How can it be? How has time crept by that quickly? And to think of all that has happened since then, yet that period of time will forever feel like it was just yesterday.

Then there's Jordan. Since we lost Jordan almost as soon as we found out we were having him/her, we lack much of a connection other than that intense love that you feel the moment you find out you're pregnant. We still wish that we would've had more time with our second baby and wish that we could've gotten to know him/her like we did Jake and Liv. Just yesterday, I saw someone mention April 21st and it immediately made me think of what happened on that day back in 2006. It just goes to show you that even when you lose a child so soon, you will never forget, nor will you ever "get over" the loss of that child.

With continuing on, I think about Olivia even more. She was with us the longest of our three angels and her passing was the most recent. The grief is still so fresh with our daughter. I suppose it has been 19 months now since she passed away, but it feels like just yesterday that we last held her. Since bringing Samuel home, we constantly find ourselves talking about Olivia...how Samuel reminds us of her in little ways -- like the wavy hair that Sam has right after a bath...much like his sister's hair -- and how we wish so badly that while one of us was holding Sam, the other was holding Liv. It's hard not to have all of those thoughts. It's hard not to look at her picture and think about how it would be if she and Sam were both here together. When playing with Sam, James has said on multiple occasions how even though Livy was my clone and Sam looks more like James, he still sees a lot of her in him and that there's no denying that they were siblings.

Along with honoring Jacob's day while we're in Indy, we also fully intend on taking Samuel to Livy's grave. While he's still too young to understand much of what we tell him about his siblings, we will show him where his sister lays and tell him all about her. Heck, I'm sure we will probably visit Olivia daily, much like we did on our last visit to Indy.

This grief business sucks. We're more at peace with Jacob and Jordan's passing than we are with Liv's. I know we will find more peace with time -- at least I hope so! -- but we still have a long way to go. After creating a birth announcement for Samuel, I couldn't help but want to send one to Livy's doctor, Dr. Herman, and write some venomous comment on the back about how had he done his job, maybe Sam's older sister would be here. I know that's not right and I clearly won't do it, but it sure was a temptation at first thought. I suppose that comes with having no answers and not feeling like our medical care was as good with Liv as it was with Sam. I've said it over and over (maybe not on here, but in person) how grateful I am for the amazing medical staff that I had during my pregnancy with Sam. Between our awesome OB, our perinatologist, and my wonderful nurse that I saw on a weekly basis...I can't thank them enough. They did their best at calming my nerves, making sure Sam was healthy and thriving, and got that little guy out of there early like we wanted. I sometimes wonder if we would even have Sam in our arms had it not been for them.

So with the joy that we feel on a daily basis with Samuel in our arms, there is also still grief that surrounds us. I sometimes wonder if people that have come to my blog since Sam's birth even see that, as I have talked more about him than our other babies...but know that it's still a constant battle. I have said it before, but there is a whole new type of grief that comes with a rainbow baby. With each new stage and exciting moment, you're reminded of what you missed out on with your angels. With each new smile that Sam gives us, I think of Liv and wonder what her sweet smiles would've looked like. With each cry (we're blessed, as there aren't many), I wonder if his brother would've sounded that way or would he have been louder/feistier/etc? The pain doesn't stop with this new exciting life, but it's different. Instead of just being sad, you feel like an emotional mess -- as sadness is mixed with joy all at the same time.

I know that we will always remember and honor our first three babies, just as we will soak up every second that we have with Samuel. The pain is definitely easier to bear while having our healthy little man in our arms, but it's clearly not gone -- nor will it ever be. Heck, how's this for depressing? (I know it depressed my sister, Deb, when I told her.) Because we have lived with so much grief over the last 8 years, I can't help but think sometimes when shopping for Sam or when thinking about things that we will get to do with him in the future...I hope he gets to wear those larger clothes one day or I hope he gets to do those things when he grows older. How is it that even though he's here with us now, I still can't shake the if's/hope's? He's here. He's with us. Yet, I still think with that mentality. I know things can always happen. They always say that the stress and worry doesn't end when they're born...that now you'll worry about SIDS, accidents that can happen, etc. Sure, that will always be there for ANY parent -- baby loss or not -- but I feel that maybe because of our history, it's a stronger feeling that looms over me. I hope that I can shake that mindset one day, but for now, it still sneaks in every once in awhile. I guess it's just part of this crazy journey that we have been on for so long. I suppose that with it comes the fact that we will always appreciate EVERY little moment that we have with Sam -- which is a good thing. We sure love that little man and thank God on a daily basis that we have him!

So with all of that...I suppose it just goes to show you that while things may get a little easier, it's always some kind of struggle -- there will always be that hunt for the right balance of emotions. It's all worth it though, and I'm glad that we didn't give up after Olivia's passing. We wanted to call it a day at times -- many times -- and attempt finding acceptance in the fact that we would never have living children, but I'm glad we didn't. Several people have said that this appears to be one of the best years of our lives -- a healthy baby, a promotion for James, etc. They're right. From June 2010 to June 2011, I would definitely say it had to be one of the best years of our lives. James got home from a hellish deployment, we spent an amazing week up in Alaska during the perfect getaway after such a stressful year, we had many memorable road trips around the PNW and across the country, we got a fresh start with our move to GA, we had our healthy little man, and ended it with a promotion for James. I really don't think there's one complaint about how the last year has gone...it's just the grief and loss leading up to it that's hard.

Right where I am...Loving life with our little family, while finding a balance in our grief while remembering our angels that were gone too soon. In the midst of all of this, pictures like this bring a massive smile...

The Past Week -- Samuel's Story...

Now that family has headed home and we're settling in at home ourselves, I wanted to try and get back on here for a minute. So with Samuel sleeping on my chest, here's a run down of the last week...

It's hard to believe that a week ago, James and I were super antsy/worried/nervous/etc. about the upcoming induction. We wanted so badly for time to fly by so we could hopefully meet our little guy -- still unsure if he would even make it. Now here we are...a little man in our arms and a basset trying to cope with it all!

Another Day Down...

One more day down, three more to go...

We had our NST and BPP this morning and everything looked good. Even though things looked good, it didn't necessarily comfort us. We're as paranoid as heck and wish the next few days would speed up.

Now that Sam passed his nightly kick count, here's hoping I can join Oba in dreamland. He's been out for awhile now. I'm not sure that'll be the case for me anytime soon, but here's hoping...

That's A Bummer, Dude...

I'm going to be brief, as I'm totally exhausted, but Samuel is still baking and will be until next Tuesday (June 7th)...

After having the amnio this morning, I was admitted into L&D with plans of inducing once we had the results. However, after about a 3 hour wait, we found out that our little guy's lungs aren't quite ready yet. They were a few points under the comfort zone for inducing this early, so as much as we all (including my OB) wanted to meet him today, it just wasn't going to happen.

After getting the news, I was immediately supposed to be discharged, but much to my surprise, contractions kicked in -- resulting in several more hours of monitoring. I got to the point of having them every 2-3 minutes -- some being pretty intense, others not being noticed -- but since I was only dilated 2 cm with no change over time, they still decided to send me home. So...here we are...waiting...

They said that if the contractions become unbearable or if my water breaks, come right back. Otherwise, I'll see my OB on Friday for an NST, then plan on having the induction on Tuesday. Craziness. Here's hoping the next several days fly by! We'll both be super nervous and beyond antsy as we wait for that day to come!

Almost There...

We had our very last perinatologist appointment on Friday and received an early congrats from our doc. It was nice to see his excitement and reassurance that things look great, but I'm still nervous. Hopefully things will go as well as our peri and Ob feel that they will.

Little Samuel Ryan is weighing in at 5lbs 3oz, has a heart rate of 140 bpm, and is just a little camera shy...

It's hard to believe that we possibly only have a few days left...

June 1st...

After getting home from the 4D scan, I received a call from my OB and found out that we're now on for Wednesday! Crazy. She said that after doing some recon, she found out the results from the amnio should be available 2 hours after they're sent in. So...I better have my pillow and bag, because I'm not leaving after that! One week from today...insane. I realize it's a little earlier than we ever expected, but if our OB and peri are both confident in this decision, we're totally willing to go with it. Every day that passes brings more anxiety and fear of that dreaded day when he stops moving so next Wednesday can't come soon enough!

With that being said, we were reminded once again how stubborn little Samuel is while doing the 4D scan. James and I met for lunch beforehand and I purposely had a soda to hopefully get him dancing. (I don't normally have any kind of soda while pregnant.) Sure enough, he danced all the way to the office, then fell asleep. Once we got in there, he had his knee and arms covering his face, so the tech got to sit there poking around again like last week. After about 30 minutes of that and turning side to side, we did finally get a few good shots. Afterwards, the tech looked at us and said, "Alright...which one of you is THIS stubborn!??!?" That would be me. She said, "So he looks like daddy, but acts like mommy, huh?" Apparently so.

Initially, this was as close as we thought we were going to get...

But by the end, we were able to get a good profile shot...

Here's hoping that we get to meet him around this time next week. More importantly...here's hoping he is a healthy little guy and that those steroid shots do their job and boost his lung maturity!

The Date Is Set...

We had another good appointment with my Ob today and it brought another sigh of relief! Samuel was crazy active during the NST, then was so asleep during the BPP that not even constant pokes on my stomach would wake him. He still passed the tests though and looks great. I think we could go for this reassurance daily if they'd let us!

After the weekly tests, they decided to go ahead and do the Group B Strep test since we are inducing next week! That's right...NEXT WEEK!!! When Dr. Stitt told us that we are now doing the amnio next Wednesday (June 1st) and inducing next Thursday (June 2nd), James and I both looked at each other in total shock. Apparently, she had talked to my peri, Dr. Gomez, and they had agreed that this was the best option. Basically, we'll do the amnio and wait for the results, but regardless of the results, we're still going to induce. Fine by me! She said she and Dr. Gomez are very confident about this and that with the steroid shots and everything looking so good, they want to go ahead and go for it. Plus, she's going out of town that Friday and doesn't feel comfortable waiting until she gets back. She said she wants to see a healthy little Samuel in my arms just as much as I do and is just as anxious to get the ball rolling. So if we're game, she's game. Heck, yeah!

With that decision, my Ob went ahead and did an internal exam to check Sam's status and said that I'm already slightly dilated. Crazy. She's hoping that continues to progress so that it's easier to induce next Thursday. When she said that, I asked about the upcoming progesterone shot next Tuesday (since I get them weekly). Before I could finish, she said those are over at this point. I figured as much, but wanted to make sure. It's insane to think how close we're getting to the end!!

As we walked out to the car, we both looked at each other in continued shock. Could we really have a healthy son in our arms next week? Really?!?! I mean, the race isn't over just yet and there are things that could still go wrong, but we're getting that much closer to the finish line...it's almost too hard to believe. Here's hoping our little man stays healthy between now and then, and proves to have mature lungs in time for his arrival!

Before I end this post, here are the pictures from today...

Sam has his head wedged in my left hip and basically has all his body parts covering his face. The ultrasound tech said, "Everything he owns is right there!" The first picture shows as he pokes himself in the face again with his big toe...

With those hands and feet covering his face, this was the closest we could get...

I still think he has his daddy's nose, but we'll see next week...

(His arm is wrapped around below his face and his foot is there off to the right. You can see his toes there to the right...)

Now on to the fun 4D imaging place tomorrow. There's almost no point now in going, but it will be fun seeing him again and hopefully he'll cooperate better than he did last week when we were there!

The Mindset Of A Baby Loss Family...

As a Baby Loss family, we face thoughts and fears that most will never know -- not to mention the fact that our eyes have been opened to things that no one should ever have to face. None of this is new to us, as we've been facing this junk for 7 1/2 years now (since losing Jake), but a small conversation between James and I earlier this evening got me thinking about this again...

After church this morning, we headed on over to Target to grab a few things and while we were there, we decided to pick out Samuel's baby blanket. It's one that's nearly identical to Olivia's, but instead of pink accents, it has blue ones. When we got home, I put it with Sam's stuff -- still leaving the tags on with the receipt next to it. A little while later, James decided to check it out and as he went to go get the scissors to cut the tags off, I mentioned how I was going to keep them on *just in case*...that's right...just in case he passes away, we have the option of returning it. Just as I said that, James replied with, "Well, either way...he will use it or we will bury him in it." I paused and just remained silent after that. I mean, I agreed with that statement, but how awful is it that we even have to think like that?!?! I guess it only makes sense. Olivia was as healthy as Sam appears to be, yet we never got to bring her home. What makes us think Sam will be any different? We can HOPE that he will be, but realistically, we know that there is another possible ending. Clearly, that fear hasn't gone away and I don't know that it ever will. I wish that we could be like the blissful families that buy everything at the onset of finding out the sex and just expect a healthy child. We nearly got there with Olivia. After we passed the mile marker of when we lost Jake, we felt like she was going to make it. We sure learned our lesson with that one! Even with that sigh of relief, we still lost her for no reason at the very end. Because of it, we now have fears of losing Sam up until the moment we possibly hear him cry. We can only hope that the glorious sound of a little man crying is one that we get to hear in 2-3 weeks. In the meantime, I suppose we'll continue to have conversations like this...

Our Stubborn Boy...

This week has been filled with appointments and we were reminded during each one how stubborn this child already is...

After an unexpected lunch with a friend, James and I met on Tuesday for our most recent NST, BPP, and OB exam. During the NST, Sam refused to get moving. No matter what we did, he wouldn't wake up. As a result, I got to sit there for double the amount of time until he would -- assuring us that he was still good to go. I later asked out of fear of something being wrong, but my OB said we just caught him at the wrong time and that the sleep cycle took over. It was comforting to hear her reassuring words, as we're both on edge at this point!

During that biophysical profile (BPP), we got the typical profile shot and another one of his feet...

Then fast forward to today's appointment...we went and got the 4D scan done so that we could see his face. That was something we had wanted to do with Liv, but never got around to doing. Then after losing Liv -- and having the fear of losing Sam -- James said he absolutely wanted to make sure we got it done this time around. As you can guess...Samuel refused to cooperate. He sure was cute though as he refused to work with us. The tech had me laying on my side, poking him, eating fruit strips, drinking a cold Coke...all with the hope of getting him to move around more. Nope. Instead, he just wanted to sleep. Of course, after we left the appointment, that's when he got super active -- typical, right?

Aside from the few pictures that we were able to get, we got to watch as he blinked his eyes briefly, nearly kicked himself in the eye with his big toe, and kept laying his left arm over his face...it was definitely fun to watch our little guy do his thing...

These ultrasound techs love printing pictures of Sam's feet...

These were as close as we could get, so she is having us come back next week for another try...

Love that little man!

On another note...later in the afternoon, I finally got myself to a salon after months of putting it off and received a much needed haircut. Boy does it feel good to have inches cut off -- especially with this heat! When I got home, Obadiah participated in my poor attempt of a pic with the cell phone...

One day shy of 33 weeks with the crazy basset...

Oba was no longer interested in participating...

It's crazy to think that tomorrow marks 33 weeks! Just two weeks from tomorrow and we'll get that dreaded amnio, which will determine when we get to be induced!!! I just pray that Samuel stays healthy and active until then and gives us the final go with healthy, mature lungs!

Shopping...

As we near closer and closer to Samuel's arrival, James and I have found ourselves talking more about the things that we want to get for him. While pregnant with Liv, I had put off buying a good chunk of necessities due to wanting to wait until James was home for R&R after her birth. I figured we could go shopping for those items together. Plus, we were due to have a belated baby shower with friends and family a few months later, so I just stuck to what we absolutely needed right out of the hospital...I figured the rest could wait. Well, here we are in a similar situation -- 3 1/2 weeks away (or less) and the realization that he very well could make it is hitting us...

With talk of the necessities that need to be purchased, we've also begun looking into the things that we had wanted for Liv, but hadn't gotten around to getting yet...and if Sam makes it, we DEFINITELY want for him. For instance, one of those cute Pottery Barn chairs -- love those things! Not only would he be able to use it when he's a little older (I realize that as a newborn, it won't get much use), but I could take his monthly picture on it as he grows...

I guess we'll see how the coming weeks go -- if we get to bring our little man home. I still have yet to set up the room since I promised James that we wouldn't touch that until after he's here. It has been tempting, though. I recently gave in and bought the wall letters for his name and will soon paint those. Even with all of the fear (and there is a LOT of it!), it's hard not to try and let ourselves get excited. I'm half-tempted to order the little PB chair when we're in ATL next Friday...we shall see...

Deja Vu...

So as I sit here at a little past 5am, I can't help but flashback to being pregnant with Jake. I woke up with such bad heartburn that after taking near-worthless Tums, I had to resort to trying to sleep on the recliner. Good times. I haven't had it this bad since I was pregnant with Jake in '03, and back then, it was a daily occurrence that was so bad that nothing would help -- I basically had no choice but to camp out on the recliner. It will be interesting to see if it just gets worse as we near the end of the pregnancy. It makes me want one of those beds that recline up and down, ha.

Well, while I'm up and thinking about Samuel...

We had our latest perinatologist appointment yesterday (Friday), and thankfully...it went really well! Samuel was measuring in at 4lbs and my cervix was super long (over 4cm), so they said we shouldn't have to stress going into labor before 35 weeks -- thank goodness! After our little scare, my peri had instructed strict bedrest, but at this point, he's not concerned. I won't be out running a marathon by any means, but I don't have to spend my days laying on my side which will be nice.

While doing the scan, they pointed out that Sam still has his feet at his face with his butt pushing up on my ribcage -- no wonder it constantly hurts right there as he's stretching it out. Dr. Gomez kept commenting on how active Samuel was and that he was glad to see that -- so were we! There was definitely no need to do a kick count last night as he was moving around the entire evening. I can't even begin to explain how comforting that is since our biggest fear is to wake up one day to no movement...

It's hard to believe that we have less than 4 weeks left (hopefully)! Dr. Gomez wants me to have twice-weekly NSTs here locally, as well as another ATL appointment in 2 weeks. That will definitely help time pass, not to mention reassure us even more that Sam might have a chance at surviving. As I sit here and type this out, I am reminded that it has now been 17 months since we said goodbye to our daughter. I can only hope that by Livy's 18 month Angelversary, we'll have a healthy little man in our arms!

Below is a picture we took real quick before heading out for Atlanta yesterday morning. I've been bad at keeping up lately with the weekly photos, so this was about as good as it was going to get for this week (a cell phone shot at 32 weeks)...

Grow, Sam, Grow!

Another Sigh Of Relief...

We had a rather long appointment yesterday at my Ob's office -- consisting of my first steroid shot, the weekly progesterone shot, Sam's first of many non-stress tests, and an ultrasound to measure the amniotic fluid levels. I was also supposed to have a regular exam with my Ob, but she was so backed up with patients that we rescheduled it for next week -- fine by me since I saw her just a few days ago and all the tests came back fine.

It was rather nerve-racking going in for the NST. The last time I had one of those was with Liv and it was also the same day that we found out her heart had stopped -- not exactly something I want to relive! Luckily, Sam was dancing during lunch, so I knew he was fine. However, upon putting the equipment on my stomach, it took what felt like forever to hear a heartbeat which put me on edge. It wasn't long though before they found it and he started doing Tae-bo in there. I must say, with the massive leather recliners provided for the NST room, I really wanted to just take a nap instead of push the little joystick every time he moved. It was very tempting! Instead, James and I sat and watched the History channel while watching Sam's stats print out. I'm so glad that he did so well. I really hope that this continues as we start these on a weekly basis!

Next was the ultrasound and thankfully, his fluid levels looked great -- another sigh of relief! The ultrasound tech took some quick pictures for us after the measurements, but it was hard to get a profile shot. Apparently, he's obsessed with his feet and had them in front of his face the whole time while playing with them with his hands. She kept having to shake him to try and get him to move his feet for a picture, but he didn't exactly agree with that idea...

This is about as good as we could get...

(No complaints, though!)

Then she had to get a picture of his foot, as she commented on his big toes. I don't know what to compare them to, but I'll take her word for it...

After the comforting ultrasound, I became the human pin cushion. My nurse laughed as she asked which side I wanted which shot -- I had to get a steroid shot and a progesterone shot. Good times. I have to say, though...the steroid shots weren't as painful as I have been warned. (I got one yesterday and one today.) Sure, it burned going in, but there was less of a reaction afterwards than the progesterone shots so there were definitely no complaints! It's hard to believe...we only have a few more weeks left of getting the progesterone shots and we'll then hopefully have a healthy little guy in our arms!

Overall, it was a very good visit and we left being able to breathe a huge sigh of relief -- for now. James said that his Company Commander is probably starting to regret his promise to let James go to all of my appointments, as these are becoming long in length and more frequent now that we're a little over 4 weeks away. Not only will we start having weekly Ob appointments (just like today), but my peri appointments will become weekly too. I can only hope that all of these checks will help take away a little worry and make May fly by!