On This Day...

So, Facebook has started this option called, "On This Day." It allows you to look back at various years in the past. Most of the time, I absolutely love it! I get to look back at little baby Sam and even baby Caleb now that he's not so little anymore. However, I've been thinking about how in the months to come, I might not enjoy it as much, as it will remind me of the events in 2009. Sure enough, today was one of those days…

Another Christmas And Birthday Have Come And Gone...

Hard to believe it's already New Years Eve! Where has time gone? While James didn't take off work for the holiday season, his schedule has been EXTREMELY light -- allowing for us to pretty much have 2 weeks of uninterrupted time together. It sure has been nice -- two scrooges alone together...

Yeah...a couple of regular scrooges is probably how you could best describe us this year...We weren't exactly the happy cheery couple when it came to Christmas. In fact, we didn't decorate or buy gifts (minus our parents) at all. We just weren't in the mood -- much like last year. There were a few times when I would hear a Christmas song and slightly get in the holiday spirit, but each time that something like that would happen, it would quickly pass on by. It's not that we're walking around in complete rage or depression, but we both agreed that without Liv, it's just not worth it right now -- perhaps next year will be different. Either way, we enjoyed the time off and spent quality time together.

Thanks to some super sweet family members, even though we didn't do anything for Christmas, Oba still received his fair share. He can thank 4 of my nephews (Ben, Judah, Alex, and Josh) and our parents for all the plentiful gifts he received in the mail. Talk about h-e-a-v-e-n. That pup was spoiled rotten! While I took lots of pictures and videos of Obadiah unwrapping his gifts -- mainly so the nephews could watch (they love that pup!) -- here are just a couple...

Yes, our pup gets super excited when he gets a gift and rips the wrapping paper apart so that he can get to his prize...good ahead and laugh. ;)

Once the prince was done with his gifts, we pretty much just vegged out for the rest of the afternoon. There were several times where we would chuckle, as we noticed Oba kept going to the front door and staring out the front window -- as if he was waiting for visitors. Apparently we weren't good enough company, haha.

He kept giving us looks like he was bored and wanted more out of his day, ha.

With little going on down here in GA, we made plans to hit up the theater later that night to see True Grit -- poor Oba...even on Christmas, he gets ditched. It was a great movie, for those that might be interested in checking it out! Of course, it wasn't friendly to my weak stomach during a few different scenes, but almost anything is like that these days...

I'm definitely thankful that while my morning sickness was a nightmare on Christmas Eve, it held off a lot more on Christmas day and on my Birthday (27th). Even though we didn't do much for any of those days, it was still a great feeling to be able to get up and not feel like I'm going to get sick constantly! Definitely no complaints with that!

When I sit and think about it, it's hard to believe that another year has passed by already. That I'm now 28. That Liv's been gone for a little over a year now. That in just a couple of hours, it will be 2011...

Time feels like it has crawled by for so much of the last year. So much has happened. Just after the start of the new year, James and I said goodbye *again* and he finished the second half of his deployment. I welcomed several family members and some of our best friends for week-long visits for a couple months in a row out to our home in WA. I spent a month with my sister and her family in PA. We traveled around and saw what we could throughout Western WA , OR, and Northern CA while still living in WA. We toured the beautiful state of AK. We made a huge move and saw what felt like half the country while doing so. We've been making the attempt at settling down in the South -- although that hasn't been much of a success...we miss WA like CRAZY. We received the news of baby #4 aka "Spud," etc...

Looking back, there were a lot of joys over the last year, but it was overshadowed by so much grief and sadness -- it still is. Even now, those occasional nights full of sadness and tears overcome us both at unexpected moments -- I think having to suppress it all during the deployment is starting to catch up with the hub. It's just not easy. I really don't think moments like that will ever pass, but lessen in their intensity with time. I'm really hoping that the further along we get with Spud, we find more and more joy to help battle the sadness that constantly surrounds us. We're in no rush, though. We'll take each day as it comes...

Here's to a new year. May 2011 be a year of happiness and joy. A year of new friendships, quality time spent with old friends, visits to several new cities, and hopefully a healthy child!!!

Goodbyes...

There have been a lot of those lately. As we edge closer to our final move date, we've been trying to squeeze in as many as we can with our close friends around here. When the final goodbyes happen, it ends up being more of a "We'll see you soon" rather than "It was good knowing you" type of goodbye. I mean, we are in the Army after all -- it's smaller than you think! If you stay in long enough, you typically run into old friends down the road. Plus, our goal is to retire here in WA, so even those friends that are civilians...we hope to see them again when we eventually move back.

It's just kind of wild when we get to thinking about it. On our way to Bible study last night, we got to talking about the fact that we haven't even been here 2 years. Crazy. October 20th would be the 2 year mark, but we're leaving a month before that. It feels like we've been here longer! Here we had originally planned to try and stay here as long as we possibly could, but then with Liv's death, we jumped at the chance to move. We needed a change. We needed a fresh start.

Everywhere we go, there are memories attached to our pregnancy with Liv -- both good and bad ones. It's just so hard. We passed one of the local farms the other day and it was mentioned how we had planned on taking Livy there this fall for the pumpkin patch. Things like that are a stab to the chest every time they come up. We miss her so much, and there are so many things that we had planned for her. It's hard not to think of those when they arise...

When we said goodbye to our Bible study group last night, I thought about the fact that they were there with me through our entire pregnancy with Liv. They watched as she grew each week (along with my expanding belly), and they counted down the weeks with me as we got closer and closer to Liv's due date. With each week came questions of how the pregnancy's going, along with how James was doing downrange. Such a crazy time in our lives between the deployment and the pregnancy, and they were there through it all. They even threw a baby shower for me just days before Olivia passed away. So many memories...When it came time to say goodbye, we all prayed and agreed that we'll have to stay in touch through email. I'm sure that we'll find another Bible study group in GA that we'll become a part of, but this one in WA will always have a special place in our hearts. With them, I will always think of those exciting months leading up to Livy's arrival...

While Olivia will always be in our constant thoughts, at least the scenery in GA won't bring on the same kind of issues as it does here in WA (like the pumpkin patch). It will be new...with its own set of memories created down the road. If anything, GA will bring memories back from my visits to see James while he was attending OCS there -- what a crazy, but exciting time!

For the same reasons, I'm looking forward to the new house that we secured there in GA. With just 2 days until the movers get here, I spent a good portion of the day yesterday going around the house trying to take things off the walls, repair the holes, etc. when I finally ended up in Liv's room. Her room is the only room where we decided to hang curtains. So there I was...taking down the curtain rods, folding Livy's curtains and putting them in the crib that was already full of her stuff. I try not to go in her room too often, as it's just too sad, but I couldn't help but look through her things while I was in there yesterday. Not only do we have all of the diapers we had stocked up on, all of her clothes that were bought, bedding folded up, etc...there were also all of the gifts from her funeral. So much happiness mixed with so much sadness. Her casket flowers that we had dried, the angel blanket that someone had mailed us, etc. With our next house, there will be a 4th bedroom just like this one, but I don't know that we'll even bother unpacking it. It will house all of Liv's stuff just like this one does, but it won't have the same sentimental aspects as her room here has. I suppose that's just another step towards that fresh start. With the moves from Germany and here, we lost those rooms designated for Jake and Livy, but perhaps there might be hope of filling them at some point with their little brother or sister...

Well, speaking of the ongoing string of goodbyes, I better close this up so that I can get in gear and get ready for the day. Here in a couple hours, it's off to lunch with another friend. Luckily, it's going to be more of a "We'll see you soon" goodbye, as she and her hubby are hoping to follow us to Benning in a couple months!

Good Food With Good Friends...

Hard to believe it's already Monday night! Where did the weekend go? Looking back, we had a pretty good one. We met up with some friends for dinner in Seattle on Saturday night, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. It was so nice to get out and have a few laughs with some close friends!

Going into it, James was a little apprehensive. He had only met this couple twice, but knew a lot about them because the wife and I had become really close while he was deployed. After Livy passed away, this friend was one of the few people left that I could still enjoy hanging out with even though she had twin 1 year old boys. There was just something about all of the compassion she showed towards us and sincere thoughtfulness -- not to mention the fact that she faced trials of her own when trying to have those sweet little boys so she understood on some level the stress that we were feeling. It was comforting and took the stress off so that we could just enjoy each other's company. So yeah, with both of our guys finally home and settled from the deployment, we had agreed that the four of us HAD to get together before the craziness set in with the movers coming, etc. Poor James didn't get any say in the matter, but was cool about the idea of getting together since he got to pick the restaurant. Being that he's not exactly the most social of the crowd, he doesn't typically jump at the opportunity to hang out with people most of the time -- especially when he doesn't know them that well. I think he'd be more content if it was just us...or him alone, ha. With that being said, you can see why he was a little apprehensive. I knew he would have a good time though, and 10 minutes into it, it showed. There was no denying that genuine smile on his face, or the hidden outgoing-Jamie that showed through soon after he got comfortable with their company, ha. I'm glad that he was able to loosen up and have a good time -- I think we all had a good time!

Not only did we have an enjoyable evening with the company that we were with, but we also really enjoyed the meal! We decided to check out a new place that James had heard about in one of his magazines, and I'm glad we did! The food was awesome (can't go wrong when it's all made from scratch!) and the guys claimed that the beer was fantastic, too! James had said that he wanted to try it, because they follow the German beer laws so he knew it had to be good. He was looking forward to it so much so that he knew -- before we even got there -- exactly which of their brews he was going to try. (I'm always amused by his enthusiasm when it comes to his love of good quality beer and his search for various brewing companies that he wants to check out. We all have our hobbies and this is James'. While I think beer is one of the most foul creations ever made, James doesn't, so it's fun to observe!)

It really was a fun night. Plus, there was no hesitation behind mentioning Livy or worry that we'd kill the conversation if we mentioned her -- if the conversation led to that -- because they understood. I find that to be an incredibly important factor these days when we hang out with people. At this point, this is who we are, and if we can't refer to her (or Jake or Jordan), then we're not being true to ourselves. They're always on our mind, and are a part of everything that we do, so it's no surprise that they may come up in conversation. There are some people though that we come across that pretty much make it known that our kids should not be brought up, mentioned, or even acknowledged...so when we do hang out with those that are like our good friends on Saturday night, I really do appreciate it!

While I'm totally ready for this upcoming move and CHANGE, I'm really going to miss our friends, especially these two!

Marriage...

How has the death of your child affected your marriage/relationship?

I was recently asked this question and it got me thinking…How has it changed? People always tell me, “Man, after going through what you guys have been through, I know that you two can survive anything!” That’s encouraging, but how much can you really take before it becomes TOO much? Since I’ve pretty much been open thus far with my blog, I figured why should I stop now? Here goes…

From the start, James and I both wanted a family. We got married knowing that we were going to try and build our family while we were still very young (early 20s). There was so much excitement and hope. We didn’t have a care in the world, and nothing else mattered. We weren’t concerned with having a huge income – what we had was sufficient. All we wanted was a happy marriage and a child or two to go along with it. Life was great, and the idea of trying for a baby was all that we talked about. Once we got to our first duty station, we immediately tried for that child, and got the great news 2 months later! This was it! Sure, there were critics out there who thought we were too young and clearly not up for the challenge, but we didn’t let that get to us. We knew what we wanted, and we knew we were ready. Unfortunately, tragedy struck, and life took a turn from the path we thought we were going to be on. All our hopes and dreams were shattered, but at least we had each other!

This is where that question about our marriage after loss begins…

After Jake’s death, we definitely grew closer. We leaned on each other, as we grieved the loss of our son. No one else could comprehend how we felt – the emptiness, the sadness, the devastation. We both knew that we could count on each other for comfort, even though we grieved in totally different ways. He never expected anything out of me on the days that I couldn’t function, and I understood when he had days of just wanting to be alone. It just worked. We made it work.

As time went by, we talked more and more about what we wanted for the future – another child. We knew that timing was not right, so we were going to enjoy life until it was. We took that time to travel Europe and create the honeymoon that we never had. It was a great year with lots of enjoyable memories – mixed with sadness and thoughts of how it would be if Jake would’ve been there. There was hope. There was excitement for things to come.

Once the time was right, we agreed that we were both ready to try for that rainbow baby – the healthy child after a loss. We were so full of excitement and love, but still a little hesitant. But even with that hesitation, deep down, we felt like this was the right thing to do, at the right time. Just like with Jake, we got pregnant after two months. I was on cloud nine, but James was much more apprehensive. He was excited, but terrified at the same time. He even went as far as to say that he wasn’t going to get his hopes up. He was going to believe it was real when we had a crying baby in the delivery room. That was hard to hear, but I understood that we needed to deal with this in our own way. While I refused to let our history affect the happiness and hope that this new pregnancy brought, James went into it with much more caution.

Unfortunately, James’ reaction to the new pregnancy was probably a smart one. A week after we got the awesome news, we miscarried that second child (which we named, Jordan Skye). The devastation was back. The horror was being repeated, but in a totally different way. We received shocking comments lacking serious compassion and empathy. We were in a different place, but yet not. How could this have happened? Once again, we leaned on each other. Once again, I was swallowed up by the depths of despair, and James was there to comfort me – at least for the week before his deployment. I was there to show him love, while he grieved in his own way – all the while, preparing for a second tour in Iraq. We needed each other more than ever. Not only did we lose our second child, but we were about to embark on another long separation. How could we get through it, if not on the same page? We held strong, and held out hope for the future once again. We told ourselves that once he returned from Iraq, we would try for that *second* rainbow baby, and that God was surely going to bless us.

Fast forward two years, after many trials, arguments, days of sadness due to missing our two babies, and changes in our lives (ETSing from the Army, moving to our hometown, finishing my degree, rejoining the Army, etc.), we decided that the time was right and we were going to try again. We still agreed on what we wanted out of life. A family was of top priority and everything else could wait. Unfortunately, God had other plans. Month after month passed (adding up to over a year!) and we continually received a BFN. What were we going to do now? All I could think about was that family that we both wanted and yearned for it.

After months of stress and frustration, we sought out a specialist. I mean, maybe I couldn’t get pregnant. Maybe something happened as a result of the miscarriage and the poor care that I received at the Army hospital that caused something to go wrong to where there was no chance of a third pregnancy. Maybe James was exposed to something downrange that would prevent us from getting pregnant. We didn’t know what to think, but we weren’t going to wait for several more years, only to be in the same place we were then. I don’t know if it really brought comfort or not, but after both being tested, we were told that there was absolutely nothing wrong with us. We were relieved to hear it, but somewhat frustrated, as we didn’t understand why we weren’t getting pregnant. We never blamed each other for our infertility issues, but that didn’t mean our stress didn’t get the best of us at times. Luckily, we were still ultimately reliant on each other in our darkest moments, so we always drew closer during those times. Sure, there were arguments and questions that would arise, but we couldn’t imagine going through this alone. We needed each other. No one else could even grasp what we were feeling. Only the two of us knew how the other felt, and knew how to comfort each other. Ultimately, there was no question as to whether or not our marriage would fail because of this. We refused, and wouldn’t allow it.

Since we still weren’t getting pregnant and had no answers, but desperately wanted that family, we decided that maybe adoption was the direction we should take. After talking it through and praying about it, we went ahead and contacted a few adoption agencies -- as well as the state foster-to-adopt program. We figured that maybe this was where God wanted us to be. We were slowly getting excited about the idea and imagining where our lives would be if we took this path. We went as far as to meet with the WA state social worker who deals with the foster program and filled out paperwork. I was getting excited. Even though James was soon going to deploy again , I could at least prepare for the home study and finish up the process. It was becoming real that maybe we would soon be able to bring a child into our home and have that family that we always dreamed of…even if it wasn’t going to happen in exactly the way in which we thought it would.

Well, much to our surprise, after going through all of that, we shockingly received a BFP! What the heck?! After all of the stress, the worry, the prayers, etc…we were pregnant again! Neither of us could believe it. We were so excited. Unlike with our short pregnancy with Jordan, James didn’t have any hesitation this time around. We felt like God had answered our prayers, and we were going to soak up every moment that we had with this new child. With preparing for a tour in Afghanistan, we agreed that we were going to do as much as we could to involve James before he left. We started the baby registries early, even though we knew that was risky. I wanted James to experience as much as he could with this new pregnancy! There was so much happiness and excitement in the air. The depression subsided, and we were totally in love with this new baby. The hope that surrounded the situation helped ease the stress of the goodbyes that we had to do when James left for his year overseas. We could do it. We could handle another year away from each other – at least we had this new pregnancy to keep us going!

The next 8 months flew by. James was busy overseas, while I was busy keeping this baby safe in my belly. I laid low, took every possible precaution that I could so as not to risk ANYTHING with the pregnancy, and had the doctor on speed dial. With each week came more excitement for both of us. Every time James called, the conversations were joyful, as I was able to tell him more and more about his daughter. He was so incredibly excited, as was I. Once we past the 36 week mark, we knew it was just a matter of time before we were going to be holding our baby girl in our arms – restoring that hope that we had been holding out for, for so long.

It was just a couple days later when our world came crashing down AGAIN. I couldn’t believe it. I was in utter shock when our doctor told me those awful, terrible words, “ I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat” What was I going to do? James was half a world away, and here I was about to deliver ANOTHER stillborn baby. How could this happen? All I wanted to do was cry, but ultimately, I wanted to be in James’ arms. Throughout our losses, and ultimately our marriage, he has always been there to comfort me and I needed that now more than ever.

In those early days after Livy’s death, we were stressed. We were depressed. We were near-suicidal. But in the midst of all of those emotions, we were together. We had each other. James said before Livy’s funeral that things could’ve been worse – he could’ve lost me, too. To know that he needed me, and I needed him…I think that helped us in the grieving process. I wanted to hold on to him and not let go. Knowing that he had to leave again to go back overseas was the worst feeling I could bear at that moment.

With every loss, we have relied on each other for strength. The only problem is that during the first two losses, our goals and dreams remained the same. Unfortunately, Livy’s death changed us a little more. My goals and dreams didn’t change, but James’ did. He always said he didn’t think if we lost a third child, he would be able to handle another pregnancy. I always agreed with him, but now that we’re in those shoes, I feel differently. I still go back and forth (obviously, if you read my blog, you’d see that), but ultimately, I still want to try again. I still have that burning desire to have a family of our own – a healthy one, not one in the grave. James, on the other hand, would prefer if we just called it a day and were done. He would rather make lots of money, and just enjoy life as just the two of us at this point. That sounds great, but I still feel a severe emptiness that just having the two of us will not fill. Because of that, more tension has risen among us. We’re still not on the verge of divorce, but there is definitely more disagreements and distance than there ever was after the deaths of Jake and Jordan. I guess it’s no surprise how high the divorce rates are relating to families that endure the death of a child. The stress, the sadness, the emptiness…it can easily pull people apart in totally different directions!

I am saddened when I read of another angel family losing out to the big D, but I’m almost not surprised. It’s just so hard, and unless you’ve been through it, you can’t comprehend the effects of it. The only thing James and I can do is still hold on to our open communication, and listen when the other talks. I know that will get us through all of this, and ultimately bring us out ahead. As long as we still lean on each other, we will survive this awful nightmare. We just have to find that compromise, as our wishes and hopes change after each loss…

Craigslist...Oh, how I love you!

So, Craigslist has been a fantastic outlet for me lately. While James was deployed, I promised him that I wouldn't sell anything on CL due to safety issues. I wasn't about to have some random stranger coming to the house without him home. However, now that he's here...it's a whole different ball game. Granted, I usually offer to deliver the item if they're close, but even then, I have James come with me. It's been great! We've been able to get rid of several pieces of furniture that we no longer need, as well as smaller items that would sell for more through CL than a garage sale. I love it. We do joke though that it feels somewhat like a drug deal as we meet these random people in, say, the Safeway parking lot. The buyer and I always trade our vehicle descriptions beforehand so that once we're there, we're not hunting around forever. Then once we find one another, we trade the goods for cash and go on our merry way. It's great though, and after today, I have no doubt that we'll be below our weight allowance in the upcoming move! Woohoo!

On a side note, due to Obadiah's antics yesterday, he got to ride along while I dropped off the sold items. I suppose he thought it was a treat (he gets SO excited if you say the magic words -- *car ride*), but it was for my benefit, too. I didn't have to worry about anymore jailbreaks and could keep an eye on him. I'm just glad that fall's on its way here, so Oba can sit out in the car and enjoy the cooler temps rather than plotting out his next escape while we leave him home alone!

I'm hooked...

So, minus the mega preggo (who shouldn't have even been on the cruise due to NCL's restrictions on how far along you can be and still cruise) and the numerous infants (and toddlers) that vacationed alongside us on the cruise, it was a fantastic getaway! It was so nice to vacation in a way that we don't have to worry about how we're getting to our destination, or where our next meal should be, etc. To just wake up each day with a list of activities that we can partake in if we choose, a new city to explore, an assortment of restaurants (with unlimited food -- great for the hubby) to check out, and some form of entertainment on the stage that night...it's definitely the way to go! Halfway through our cruise, we were already looking at NCL's list of other cruise locations. Where should we go next? When I would mention to James two different locations -- using the word "or" between the two -- he would cut in with, "why don't we do both?" Sounds like a plan. I know, I'm game. Perhaps once we're settled in GA, we'll look into the possibility of such a vacation...

I will say, for us, it was the ultimate way of relaxing. We both get too antsy when we travel, so sitting on the same beach for an entire week with nothing to do but stare out at the water gets a bit too tiresome. Heck, we traveled down the entire Oregon coast, a good portion of the northern California coast, and back up the other side of both states in three days. That may sound like a ridiculously quick trip, but there wasn't a moment when we felt rushed. Maybe we get bored too quickly? After skimming the city of Ketchikan, AK in just a couple of hours (being completely satisfied and ready to head back to the ship), James reminded me of the scene in National Lampoon's Vacation. In this particular scene, Chevy Chase nods his head as he quickly scans the scenic area and just a few seconds later says, "Ok kids, let's go!" Maybe we're too much like that. Oh well.

Due to that Clark Griswold Syndrome that we seem to suffer from, it's nice that there is so much at our finger tips on the cruise ship, but yet so little stress added to it. There were a few times during our week that we did run into moments of not knowing what to do with ourselves, and would wander around aimlessly. However, they did a great job at providing nonstop entertainment of some kind. I suppose with the location that we chose, just staring at the scenery was entertainment enough. Heck, we were the only fools to stay out on the deck in the freezing weather at times. But, how could you not? The Alaskan frontier is breathtaking!

I suppose the amazing scenery was the reason behind my obsessive picture taking habit throughout the week -- or maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse behind taking so many pictures. We came away with over 1500 pictures from our trip. Now granted, we ended up deleting several due to trying to get the best shot and falling short many times -- like when trying to get that whale in action, etc. That's alright though. That's a perk that comes with digital photography, right? Oh, how I love it!

Anyways. I'm hooked, and would not be surprised if we end up on another cruise during our next block leave!

Since I haven't done so already, here are some of the pictures from our trip...

Enjoying the scenery...it was great. We were the only two on the sun deck at the time, so it was so quiet and peaceful -- that was until James started cracking jokes...

I think the fog may have actually added to the beauty...

What better way to spend your morning, than out here?

This is what resulted when boredom would set in (luckily, it didn't happen too often!)...

LOVED Juneau! There was so much history, not to mention the Mendenhall glacier! These first few shots were from our tour of the old mining parts of the town...

Then, here are the pictures as we hiked to the Mendenhall Glacier. Not only did we see the result of a beaver's actions, but a BEAR that was enjoying his salmon lunch about 15 feet away!

I think I could wake up to this everyday...

And what better way to explore the White Pass, than by train?

And let me just say...if you're in search of the world's best cupcake, Skagway must be on your list of places to hit. Sugar Mama's has it! Oh, and they have a pretty good brewery, too!

And what better way to spend our evening, than a peaceful sunset?

Man...Glacier Bay is something I won't ever forget. It was breathtaking. The sound of the ice breaking off was amazing!

You can tell just how cold that water was. Beautiful...

As we left Glacier Bay...

The wildlife totally made our day! I LOVE sea otters! The whales were pretty awesome too. Unfortunately, we seemed to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time and missed out on those show offs out there. We typically only saw a fin or two and the occasional blow hole. A few different couples told us about the whales they saw that were putting on a show for the crowd. How fun! Bummer that we missed it!

When we weren't on the deck soaking up the scenery, we were enjoying the many entertainers provided for us at the Stardust Theater. SharkBait was fantastic! I would recommend seeing them if you ever get the chance. I had remembered seeing them on Letterman awhile back, so I knew before their show that we were going to enjoy it...

As our vacation neared the end, the rain took hold. We were so incredibly fortunate to have as much sunshine as we did on our cruise, but by the time we arrived in Ketchikan, that was over with. As it turned out, Ketchikan didn't have too much to offer...some totem poles, Creek Street (which was definitely beautiful in its own right), and some pretty tastey carmel "Orca Corn"...

Victoria, BC was beautiful! Unfortunately, that Clark Griswold Syndrome took hold and we were done after a couple of hours. Of course, my first experience in Victoria may have had something to do with it...About 10 minutes after we arrived downtown, I slipped on the wet pavement and rolled down a hill. Yeah, James laughed hard and hoped for his sake (not mine, ha!) that no one witnessed the hilarious event. Soaked and muddy...not exactly the way I wanted to spend my evening out on the town.

But we made the best of it (after trying to clean off a little bit!)...

Overall, we absolutely LOVED the cruise and couldn't have asked for a better way to spend our post-deployment vacation!

However...On a small side note, we're definitely choosing a more adult-focused cruise line next time so as to avoid all of the babies. One of the awesome couples that we met recommended that we try Princess next time. Even though we loved our cruise and NCL, there were constant reminders of our sweet baby girl -- that we were missing tremendously -- everywhere we looked! Oddly enough, my mom said earlier today that she could tell in a few pictures (which I had posted on Facebook) that it showed on our outward appearance, too. I went back to look, in attempts of finding the pictures that she may have been talking about...Perhaps some of these?

I guess it's one of those things where you can't really tell unless it's a candid shot. I mean, who doesn't smile when they know a camera's pointed at them? It's easy to put on a fake smile (not to say all of our pictures are like that, because they're not!). It is true though. We were missing her. My mom was very thoughtful in her comments about it. Of course Livy was on our mind the entire trip. Heck, several times a day one of us would mention the fact that had things gone as they were supposed to, she would've been with us...enjoying the sights and spending time with her dad.

It's such a hard thing. Missing her, yet trying to enjoy our getaway. We met several couples on our vacation, and as we got to talking, they would *of course* ask if we had any children. There was always that pause. I mean, how do you answer that? No? Yes, but they're gone? Do you want to kill the atmosphere with a Debbie downer comment or just give the quick "no" and continue on? There was once where we found ourselves saying "no" rather quickly since it was such a brief conversation. We didn't feel the need to go into detail. Yet, after doing so, I felt like I was lying. We both did. Then with the next couple, we told them (as James typically tells people) that it's a complicated answer. That we've had three, but we've lost them all. That particular conversation allowed for the more in-depth answer, and we ended up elaborating upon their inquiry. Every situation's different though. As we were riding the bus to downtown Victoria, a couple asked us the dreaded question and we gave that same answer and man...talk about an awkward silence! They just froze. We tried to play it off, as we obviously weren't trying to make them feel sorry for us. We were just being honest. However, there was no salvaging that conversation after that...

I suppose the pain lingers on in so many different ways, and the reminders of our loss(es) never cease...

Wow, well there went a major tangent! I'm sure I've put half of you to sleep by now, so I suppose I better do the same. Bis morgen...