Growing Up Too Fast...

So, as I sit here skimming my Facebook On This Day page, I just can't get over how fast my boys are growing up!

Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day...

October 15th has and always will be a special day to our family. It's a day to recognize and remember all babies gone too soon. At 7pm worldwide, everyone (who chooses to participate) is asked to light a candle to create a wave of light. I love that as Samuel gets older, he eagerly wants to participate and help with it. Tonight, he asked if he could light the candles (with my assistance) and as we did so, we talked about what they represented. We always light 3 -- one for each of our angels. It's such a little act, but has so much meaning…

Samuel and his Bible...

Raise your hand if you don't read your Bible nearly as much as you know you should. Yeah...I've got my hand held high and I'm not proud. However, there was a moment tonight that made me feel like we're at least doing something right...

California...

I think the last time I was on here, James had just decided that he was going to resign his commission. That feels like an eternity ago! And now here we are…officially Californians. Due to the cost of living, I would've never imagined we'd settle here, but we're here now and hope to never leave. We feel very blessed that everything fell into place. Not long after James accepted a job offer, we found a house that we loved and got the offer accepted. It's really hard to believe that this time last year, I was recovering from gallbladder surgery and preparing for a move from Ft. Bliss, TX to Ft. Irwin, CA with a newborn Caleb in my arms. SO much has happened since then! Life couldn't be better. God is good.

2014

I don't even know where to begin. What a year! I think the last time I was on here, I mentioned how we were pregnant. Well, the best news of the year was that we added another healthy baby boy to the mix! Caleb Wesley is now 5 months old and I'm still trying to grasp the fact that we have two boys here in our arms. It's pure joy, I tell you. Even though I'll always have 3 gaping holes in my heart and will forever long for Jacob, Jordan and Olivia -- missing Olivia an insane amount lately -- life is pretty awesome at this point. Seeing Samuel and Caleb together warms my heart more than you can imagine. We're finally at a place that I always dreamed of, but never thought would happen. It's truly indescribable...

The Last Eight Months...

I've often wanted to try and get on here, but it just never seems to happen. And now here we are...eight months later and just now blogging. I can't believe the last time I was on here was after Samuel's 2nd birthday in June. Sad, really.

I can honestly say, things have been going amazingly well. After Samuel turned 2, we took some leave and took him out to Disneyland, Los Angeles and the surrounding beaches, and finally San Diego. Oh, how wonderful it was to be able to go back there! We haven't been to San Diego since before our time in the Army, but it felt like we were going back home. James was ready to quit his job and stay, ha. We were able to do our typical family portraits with the tripod while out at La Jolla, too. Good times.

Return To Zero...

For those of you that know our story, you know that before having Samuel, we experienced the loss of our first 3 sweet babies - Jacob, Jordan and Olivia. There is no greater loss than that of a child. In hopes of bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, those of us in this unfortunate baby loss community are making a pledge to see an upcoming movie about such a heart-wrenching topic. 

It's A Party, It's A Party For Samuel!!!

Our little miracle turned TWO years old on Friday! I'm still trying to grasp the idea of having a two year old...where did time go?!

To celebrate his big day, we threw a Yo Gabba Gabba party for him on Saturday with some of his little friends here in El Paso. I'd like to think it turned out fairly well. With the temp being around 102 and the sun shining bright, the water games were quite a hit. It was definitely fun to see Samuel party it up with his little friends. In fact, he had such a blast that he passed out immediately after everyone left -- the sweet boy!

Happy Easter!

How is it already April?! Seriously, I feel like we should still have a few more months of cold weather left. Yet, here we are -- April 2013 and it's hot enough to go to the pool already...

I hope everyone had a fabulous Easter Sunday! Ours wasn't exactly ideal since James had staff duty, but we still had a great day. While we most definitely plan to teach Samuel the real meaning behind Easter -- the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ -- this year was spent mainly doing the commercialized side of it... egg hunts along with candy, new books, and a few toys all stuffed inside a basket. He's too young to really understand it, but I plan to do the Resurrection rolls next year (you bake a marshmallow inside a roll and then it comes out hollow, like that of the tomb, showing that Jesus Is Risen)...

Even though we went to the Good Friday church service and there was no real reason to dress Samuel up on Easter since we mainly stayed at home, I still used it as an excuse to break out another tie for him to wear. I love little boys in ties! So we met James for lunch and took Samuel to the parade field and grabbed a few pictures. I must say, I'm not sure if I'm ever going to conquer the rough sunlight (with absolutely no shade available most of the time) while doing photography, but so be it. We still had to grab some pics!

In case you were wondering, that's not real grass -- there's no such thing here in the desert! The Army invested in AstroTurf in that particular parade field...

You like his ghost-like appearance? Yeah...still working on shooting in that harsh light...

And here are some pictures from when Samuel first woke up and checked out his Easter basket...

He likes to use various toys to make music, so we got him a little recorder. As of right now, he prefers using it upside down...

I couldn't help but laugh. He was inspecting the peeps, then turned them around and looked at the ingredient list as if he was really reading it. I think someone has been watching momma when we grocery shop. Clearly, the ingredient list for Peeps violates any type of real food diet since we've been avoiding a lot of the processed foods these days, but come on, it's Easter!

Exploring the living room...

And since we're too impatient to wait for his birthday, we gave these to him on Sunday. He is LOVING the fake fruit and vegetables! I love watching him grab the little knife to cut his fruit, ha.

Would you like a pear?

Love that sweet boy! I can't tell you how much joy it brings as we hit each holiday, knowing we get to celebrate it with him! I'm so thankful that after so many years of avoiding so many things due to the pain of our losses, we can enjoy the little things like giving Sam an Easter basket and watch as he excitedly checks out each item. It really is indescribable, and to many, I'm sure it seems like such little things, but it's huge in this house. As I was driving to post to meet James for lunch on Sunday, for whatever reason, Easter 2010 came to mind and it just made me so thankful to be where we are now. Back then, James was deployed and I was attempting to grieve the loss of our daughter, Olivia. I went to church and lunch with my sister Deb and her inlaws -- trying to hold a smile, but the pain was just so severe that I could barely do it. Back then, seeing the cute little girls in their Easter dresses was like a stab to the chest, but now...well...it's sugar-coated and the pain isn't in the forefront thanks to being able to enjoy the little things with Samuel -- like dressing him up like a little gentleman, ha. 

Oh, so thankful...

Such Joy...

I can't even begin to describe to you the amount of joy this boy brings to each day.

Here's Samuel and his daddy just before bed two nights ago. The laughter wasn't nearly as strong by the time I realized I should find my phone and take a video, but you get the idea...

(ignore the mess on the bed -- I was sorting laundry just before I grabbed my phone to take this video...)

Our Angels...

While our 3 angels are always on my mind, the constant thought of them has come to the forefront a lot lately. Between different articles being posted, a new movie being produced, my first Face2Face group here in El Paso happening, and a recent video of our little rainbow...I can't stop thinking about them.

There was a recent article posted by the NYT that I have seen floating around a lot lately, so of course, I definitely have to share it with those of you that still follow this blog. It starts out with the question, "Is she your only child?" Talk about a stab to the chest! It's such an easy question, yet so difficult for anyone that has children in Heaven. I struggle with the answer to that question daily -- especially now that Samuel is involved in more activities where I'm meeting other moms on a constant basis, etc. I always appreciate when I find articles like this. Please take the time to read it *here*...

On another note, have you heard about the new movie, Return to Zero? I'm SO, so glad they reached their funding goal! In order to finish production, they had to raise $50,000, and they did it! Based on a true story about a family that delivers their first child still born, it's definitely one of a kind. I look forward to seeing it when it hits the big screen, and I hope even those that haven't experienced such a great loss takes the time to see it too -- so that you can get a glimpse into the world of those that have. It really is amazing how much face time this subject has gotten over the last several years. I feel like after we lost Jacob, I couldn't really find much out there that talked about what we were going through. I remember finding one group online of baby loss moms, but there were only a handful of people there and it wasn't even active. However, by the time we were grieving over the loss of our daughter, Olivia, more and more moms were becoming vocal on a large scale and look where we are now...a major motion picture, NILMDTS, Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, etc. There is SO much out there for those walking this path. I'm thankful for that. You definitely don't feel as alone...

Speaking of Faces of Loss - Faces of Hope, I finally hosted my first Face2Face meeting here in El Paso -- or should I say, I had planned to. We finally had enough interest here locally, so I scheduled a coffee date for this past Wednesday. However, I ended up being in the local Children's Hospital ER all evening with my son, so I wasn't even able to attend. Luckily, Samuel is FINE, but they were close to admitting him due to his severe wheezing, so an hour before the coffee date, I had to let the other ladies know that I wouldn't be there. I felt terrible about it, but when I heard back from one of the other moms, it made me smile. She said she felt kind of stupid walking around the coffee shop asking if anyone else was there for Face2Face, but she eventually ran into someone that she enjoyed talking to. While this particular lady wasn't there for the group, she did end up wanting to talk. So this mom was able to share her story with someone about her sweet angel. What a blessing! I can only hope that nothing crazy happens when I plan the next coffee date!

And with that, the last thing I wanted to mention is a bit odd, but I can't help but bring it up. Do any of you believe in orbs? I've seen them in pictures frequently, but never in a video. And honestly, I don't know how much I believe in them as much as some people do, but I couldn't help but think about it the other night when they showed up in a video of my son, Samuel. Perhaps because it was late at night, or the fact that I'll find any reason to find a sign that our 3 are with us...but when I noticed them in the video, I had to watch it several times to make sure I really was seeing those little dots float across the screen. And if I did, what were they? So, of course, Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia were constantly on my mind the rest of the night. I mean, I can't tell you how many times since Samuel was born that he has looked at specific locations (where nothing was there) and it was as if he was having a conversation/laughing/staring/etc. So why not? While I may have you totally convinced that I've jumped off the deep end, I can't help but wonder...

Here's the video of the crazy Sam-man refusing to go to sleep. I was sick and exhausted so he won some movie time while I laid down in his bed...

Joy...

So, with Samuel asleep and James outside smoking a cigar, I decided to take some time and clean out some of my emails/files. While doing so, I ran across a blog post that I apparently started at one point, but never finished or published. It's crazy to look back and read it -- knowing how big our son is now and where we are in our lives now...

Here is the main part of that saved blog post...

"Life is way too short and goes way too fast. All these years of yearning for that which was taken from us. A baby. Now we finally have Sam and he's growing faster than I can handle. This child is already learning how to drink from a sippy cup, independently eat finger foods, pull up and stand while holding on to toys/furniture/our hands, etc. Heck, he took FOUR steps last night while using my hands for balance! Not to mention the fact that he has TWO teeth coming in. Crazy. Before I know it, we will be celebrating his one year and all those baby things I dreamed of for so long will be past. I need to stop thinking and just enjoy every moment. I need to be appreciative of what we have been given and stop being angry about what has been taken. I need to find that release so that I can live in the present. All these years of looking to the future...I need to stop. All of the things that I've spent years looking forward to or wishing away time for have come. Now is the time to stop and just breathe. After all, there's a very good chance Samuel will be our last child, so I can't let a moment pass me by."

It's interesting to see what I was thinking over a year ago compared to how I feel now. Time is definitely FLYING by! There is definitely no hint of Baby Sam anymore. Reading about him taking steps, eating independently, etc. -- it feels like SO long ago! The child is crazy big and surprises me daily with the things he has figured out or is able to do.

I have to say...I feel like I have been able to do more of what I aimed for in that blog post -- living in the present and stop worrying about the future. I also feel like the anger is less severe than it once was. I miss our 3 like ca-razy! But there is more of a smile that comes when thinking about them than before. I knew it was only a matter of time, since that's how it was after losing Jacob, but the grief after losing Olivia was on a whole different level. At the time, it felt like ALL hope was lost after we lost our THIRD child! I'm so thankful that we have Samuel to bring such joy as we continue to heal. The amount of joy he brings to our days is indescribable! I really feel like our move to TX has helped, too. We have really enjoyed our time here. Even though James is away more often with his job, it's still nothing like we've dealt with in the past, which is wonderful! I feel like I can honestly say at this point, life is good. I can't really think of any complaints or reasons to wish away time and rush to getting to the next point in our lives. Enjoying the present...It feels like new territory for us. Even though our days are super busy and time is passing by faster than I'd like it to, it feels like we're in a place where we are completely content and when asked how we're doing, can honestly say "We're doing great!" and mean it. (If that makes sense.) It feels good to be in that place!

Of course, it melts my heart when we're in the living room and Samuel runs to our family picture with Olivia. He will typically stand there and just stare at it for a few minutes then point to Livy and "talk" to her. The afternoon when this picture was taken, I didn't get the camera out in time to grab him "talking" to her, but I did catch his sweet finger pointing at her. Sweet, sweet Samuel. He definitely knows how to help us along on this journey. Such bittersweet moments...but they're definitely becoming more sweet than bitter...

This child brings us so much joy on a daily basis. Seriously...when I wake up to him making his little whimper of a cry and staring at the video monitor (yes, he stares right at the camera with a look of, "I know you're watching me. Now, will you please come get me?!")...it doesn't matter if it's at 3:30am or 8am, it brings such a smile. And yes, we have had several days where Samuel thinks 3:30am is the perfect time to start our day! The sweet boy. I just love him and I'm so thankful he's in our lives!

Look how big he is now! 20 months old. Just 4 months until he turns TWO! When James looked at this picture, the first thing he said was, "Wow, he covers up his name now..." Child, please slow down. It's not a race to see who can grow up the fastest!

After uploading today's pictures, I laughed when I saw that this was captured. He loves diving off of anything available, so why not his chair?

Oh, sweet Samuel. I love that I get to spend everyday with this little man...

Blogging...

How is it that it has been OVER a month since I've been on here? Is anyone even following this anymore? I wouldn't blame you if you stopped. I truly hate that I haven't found the time to get on here much over the last year. I miss blogging. I miss using this as my little free therapy session when I have something on my mind that I need to get out. These days, I feel like I'm on the go from the minute I wake up to the minute I finally fall asleep. (I doubt I'll ever be able to pass out the minute I hit the pillow like a certain someone that I happen share the bed with...) I've become a true lurker. When I have a spare moment, I catch up on blogs through my phone on my Google Reader (yet, never comment), hit up Facebook to see the latest, read emails that I seem to never get back to in a timely manner, then continue to chase the little man around.

I'm loving life with the little wild man, but I definitely need to work on some time management. He rarely naps these days and when he does, I take full advantage of catching up on things around the house -- leaving my computer desk to pile up in paperwork and dust on the keyboard. As I'm sure fellow bloggers do, I catch myself thinking of a topic that I'd like to blog about later on -- when Sam naps, before I go to bed, etc. Then it never happens. And now, like tonight, I'm finally on here and I don't really even know where to go with it aside from the fact that I hate that this place is starting to collect dust bunnies.

The last month brought on a wide variety of emotions. Joy, anger, sadness, anxiety...you name it. Here are a few events that stand out in my mind...

We made it to Olivia's 3rd birthday and honored her on her day. I'd almost like to say we celebrated her big day, but for such a day of sadness, I suppose that description wouldn't exactly fit. Not to mention Olivia's day is now a day of sadness for our nation as a whole after the events that unfolded. Man. What a day! Nonetheless, we went out on a date to one of the nicest restaurants in town and made a cake for our baby girl. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend that day. It was most definitely a day of peace...and a little hint of joy thanks to the Sam-man.

We also reintroduced Samuel to Santa Claus. He LOVES Tim Allen's version, but clearly not the library's -- I think it was a bit traumatic for him...

Then on the 22nd (which happens to be the day we buried Olivia), Samuel enjoyed lunch with his buddy, Finn, who happened to be passing through town. It's always nice seeing sweet Finn and his parents!

Before we knew it, Christmas came and went. It was wonderful though, since we were able to spend it with Sam. The sweet boy enjoyed his presents and brought much joy to our house that day.

After spending Christmas together with our little family, we headed to our hometown for a week with extended family. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when our flight got pushed back a day due to a blizzard! On the bright side, it allowed for Samuel to experience snow for the first time. To say the least, he didn't like it, ha. The poor boy picked it up, looked at it with a curious/weird/investigative look, then flicked it away in near disgust. Sweet Samuel is a little too used to the desert, I suppose...

Oh and how can I forget? This trip happened to mark Samuel's first experience on a plane. Honestly, I was surprised how well he did! He sat on our laps and played on the iPad and/or slept the whole time. It didn't end up being the nightmare that we had imagined. (Thank the LORD!)

To be honest, the trip home is sort of a blur. We spent time with family and friends which was great, but most importantly, we visited our daughter. Seeing Olivia was the main reason we decided to go home! I hate that it only happens once a year, but even so, we were really glad that we were able to spend time with her at her grave. I think the best part of the whole trip was when a dear friend drove in from out of town to see us and asked if she could join us one day at the grave. Oh, Jackie...that meant the world to us! Very few people (outside Olivia's grandparents) have gone to visit Olivia on their own, so for Jackie to ask...I really can't put into words how much that meant to us. 

It's not the greatest picture of us, but here's Sam with his sweet Aunt Jackie and momma after a day in the snowy cemetery...

And some pictures from one of the many visits with Samuel and Olivia...

One of the gifts Jackie left for our baby girl...

Samuel holding another gift left by Aunt Jackie...

Aside from that, I didn't end up taking many pictures while we were home. I know, shocking! Aside from our time with Olivia, the only other time I purposefully got the camera out was to get a picture of all of our nieces and nephews together. To say the least, it was chaos and if we ever do it again, I'm kicking every single one of my sisters and bro-in-laws out of the room. There were way too many people trying to get the kids' attention, so they were all looking in different directions and it was a room full of what sounded like yelling -- everyone trying to talk louder than the person next to them, ha. Ohhhhh, the joys of a large family, ha. :)

And there you have it. Aside from a hellish experience trying to get home (another cancelled flight and a 10 hour - turn 24 hour - drive due to bad weather), it was a good trip. I'm thankful for the fact that we were able to make the trip and see our baby girl. Plus, Samuel was able to spend time with his cousins, which was priceless. 

With that said, it's nice to be home. Now if only I could get caught up to the point of having some spare time to blog...I suppose that will be my goal for February. Oh, that and getting the Christmas decor taken down, ha. That's right, it still looks like a house waiting to celebrate Christmas around here! While I was glad to get home, El Paso gave me a nice warm welcome with a bad case of the flu which really put us behind in just about everything. In fact, I was just finally unpacking our luggage earlier today -- pathetic, really. One day, I'll be caught up and have free time to sit and really talk, not just give a vague description of what we've been up to. I feel like that's what this blog is these days and to an extent, I'm alright with that since I like looking back and seeing what we were up to at different points in the year, but there are also so many things I'd like to address...I suppose those will have to wait...

And with that, I'm off to bed. While this is a bit late, I hope everyone had a WONDERFUL Christmas and may this year be the best yet!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

First of all, can I just say...how on earth are we already counting down to Christmas?! It feels like the last month absolutely flew by! Sam is almost 18 months old, Olivia's 3rd birthday in Heaven is just around the corner, and we'll be flying home to Indy before we know it for the first visit in over a year!

With that being said, we had a great Thanksgiving -- I hope everyone else did too! We made a meal big enough to result in leftovers for a week, we relaxed and enjoyed James being home (after 5 weeks in the field), and talked about all that we're thankful for. Oh, and we joined in on the Black Friday madness...starting at noon on Friday after all the crazies were back in bed recovering from a night of door buster deals. Who doesn't love a good sale!?

I can't even describe to you the joy it brings having Sam here -- especially during the holidays. While decorating the house with our Christmas decor, it brought on feelings of sadness as I unwrapped various ornaments for Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia. But then as I unwrapped Samuel's ornaments, it brought on a big smile. Talk about mixed emotions! The holidays will always be bittersweet. There will always be three stockings that remain empty. BUT...thankfully, unlike years past, there will also always be one stocking loaded to the brim -- Samuel's.

I'm excited to be able to celebrate our second Christmas with Samuel in our arms, just as it was fun celebrating Thanksgiving with him again this year -- never mind the fact that he passed out before dinner was done and didn't wake up until after we were finished putting it all away. The sweet boy.

This is my favorite time of the year and to be able to celebrate it all with our little family makes it that much better.

Annnnnd so....the time has come. I can't end this without sharing pictures, so here are a few from the last week.

Our Thanksgiving -- football, food, and a sleeping boy...

It's a rare moment when he's actually still, so when it happens, I try to take every advantage of it and cuddle with him...

Oh, and here he is after breakfast earlier that day in his little tie. A friend commented on him looking like Rodney Dangerfield. Ha! Love it!

While I need to get some better pics with our real camera, here are a few of Samuel and the Christmas decor. He's in LOVE with his singing basset from Hallmark that he received last year...

Here's our tree designated just for our 3 angels - Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia. In the past, we always put their ornaments on our big tree, but this year decided to give them their own. And since we ordered new monogrammed stockings for the whole family this year, we put their old stockings on this tree as well...

And a blurry cell phone attempt of our mantel. Now if it would actually get cold enough for us to use the fire place, I'd be in Heaven! I would love to be able to listen to Bing Crosby sing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" and not step out into 75+ degree weather outside. Such is life in El Paso, I suppose...

Oh and I think I forgot to mention, we drove up to Ruidoso for a little day-trip over the long holiday weekend and checked out that cute town. It was so nice to be able to get away to a place with pine trees, grass, etc. Living in the desert has really made me homesick for WA, and while this was definitely not WA, it was close enough. The best part of it though was being able to get some family pictures! Our version of family pictures typically includes a tripod and self-timer. I know. I'm cheap. BUT...I think they turned out alright. (It's just too bad Obadiah isn't in any of them!) In fact, I used two for our Christmas cards this year. Ultimately, I couldn't decide which one to use, so I made two different cards and it will just be a surprise as to which one people receive. Ha.

Here are a few photos from that attempted photo session...

This pretty much says it all...

And I suppose with that, I should finally go to bed.

Here's to a wonderful Christmas season in the month ahead!